It's been a rollercoaster week

[bluebell24]

I'm just hear for a bit of a vent and a moan today.

Last week I had my proper psychiatric assessment and the doc confirmed bipolar 2. I've had my anti-depressants increased as they were clearly only really taking the edge off, and have now started on sodium valproate too. It's only been a few days and apart from a bit of dizziness I don't seem to be experiencing any serious side effects so I'm hoping it'll remain that way. I'm a bit concerned about weight gain; I'm already overweight and have piled on pounds since being made redundant a few months back so I know I'm going to have to keep an eye on that. Has anyone else had weight gain from this particular med? Just wondered if it's sudden or a creeping, gradual gain ...

I feel quite relieved to have had a diagnosis although as my depression is quite severe at the moment I'm trying very hard to fight the abundance of negative thoughts that keep popping into my head. I miss the old me, it seems such a long time now since I've laughed and felt happy or excited about anything that it almost seems impossible I'll ever feel that way again. I also realise a lot of my self-esteem was tied up in being good at my job and having that particular rug pulled from under me has been very hard. I've had a couple of interviews recently but nerves and a lack of confidence always get the better of me and I also can't shake a belief that people can somehow tell I'm on medication, that maybe I seem a bit of a zombie and lacking in personality.

Added to all of that I've been trying to restablish a friendship that fell apart a couple of months ago and that has gone absolutely disastrously. My former friend emailed me last week (in response to me telling him my diagnosis, for some reason I thought he would want to know?!!) telling me that I am self-centred, delusional, childish and self-pitying amongst other things. I'd agree with him about all of those things, for me they kinda go hand-in-hand with being severely depressed and are the things I hate most about being ill right now. But to top it all he also called me an obsessional stalker and told me I'm harassing him. Again, I kinda agree but I am so ashamed and sad that I've made anyone, particularly someone I care about so much, think that way about me. I know it's totally beyond repair now and I have to respect his privacy and decision to move on in life without me. I'm just appalled at my own behaviour really.

Right now, I so badly want my life to get back to normal, to be the fun person all my friends used to like, to have a job that I'm good at, and just feel alive again rather than empty and useless. I hope this medication works and I hope it doesn't take months and months. I'm just so sad and tired wondering if I will ever have a good life again.

Hmmm, this all does sound very self-pitying I realise. Yet another thing I hate about being depressed is my complete inability to communicate in an inteliigent and articulate fashion, just angsty drivel.

 

[guggy]

I have been taking sodium valproate and olanzapine at the same time for over a year now and experienced some serious weight gain (about 18 lb in a matter of months). I'm not exactly sure which of them caused it, although olanzapine is probably worse than sodium valproate in that regard. In relation to other side effects, I tend to tolerate it quite well, I only had a bit of diarrhea when I first started taking it. You have to take periodic blood tests to see make sure the levels of valproate stay within the therapeutic levels and that's hopefully it.