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It's been a hard day

Reach

Reach

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A long lonely one again. I got out this morning, had a coffee and muffin, spent time amongst people. All the time i was out i was aware that i'd be going home again soon and had several hours ahead of me to fill, but with nothing much to fill them. Daytime TV has got me through again, and it is now half past four so the evening is coming and people will be in the house again. Last night was pretty miserable as i went to be at 8.30pm because i was bored and fed up. I've cried a couple of times today, talking out loud that i am scared of life and having to work in the future. I am scared of everything at the moment and feel this anxiety much of the time. I'm crying now, always close to tears about my situation and cannot talk about it because when i do i just cry. I just spoke to my mum and was close to tears talking about today and how hard it has been. We are in the middle of winter and this has never been a good time of year for me, but i don't feel that i am in an episode as the medication is holding me up, but i am probably suffering with situational depression if there is such a thing. No medication could help my situation right now.
 
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Rose19602

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Sorry to hear how you feel Reach.
It is a depressing time of year, after Christmas with grey, miserable weather.
It sounds like you're trying hard to socialise and keep doing the right things though.
Well done for that. Keep plugging away at it and talking to us.
xxx
 
Reach

Reach

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Thank you MissKitty, i fear though that i am not doing enough. I feel as though i should be out there working hard and that that is the only fix to this, but i am terrified. I feel like the whole experience of bipolar disorder when ill has left me shaken up to the point where i have lost myself and i feel like i cannot return to work without myself. I was a social worker and am now terrified of all the things i'd have to do. I feel completely incapable of coping with it and so am left in limbo here which is a painful place to be most days.
 
megirl

megirl

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Its a horrid place to be.
I wish i could go back to nursing, I certainly miss it,
I always will, i guess.
But bipolar got in the way.
My last few days at work were terrifying i was so fill of panic,
I like had lost my thinking, i was lost in the panic,
Lucky i was with another nurse that supported me through this, one of the senior nurses came and helped she had her own workload, but yeh i was simply lost. The basic stuff/procedures i knew what to do but all that rational thinking was gone.
It was awful, i shouldnt of been there at all, Looking back i coped while hypomanic, i worked did everything perfect couldnt stop i loved it, i was out there, then all this took it away,
Looking back i am suprised i did 6 years nursing,
And its still hard i have times that make me angry, agitated i see myself with my nursing badge, nursing uniform, as if i could just go back as if nothing happened.
But anyway i accept where i am. My boss is awesome he knows a bit of this stuff, my friend mel who got me the job/well put my name forward, was talking to my boss and he was like "Ann was so nervous the start but she got through and was impressed how i naturally took on ordering stuff, etc"
As a nurse i guess i have those skills like infection control, taking some responsibility etc.
Anyway enjoy the no stress,
Limbo hey its like that, i never thought i would ever work again.
It will; happen you will get there,
Its a process, it will happen but yep put you first, and dont be harsh on yourself,
You know this is an illness like a brain injury it takes time,

Take care,
xx
 
Reach

Reach

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It is a bit like brain damage isn't it, it feels like that. Thank you x

Today has started and i'm trembling with fear about the day ahead, the hours ahead, the week ahead, the years ahead even. Nightmares, waking up alot and fears come then, dread, is this just anxiety? My meds can cause anxiety.This is reality though, my real situation and how shit it is. I can see why people give up with this life because it is so hard, i ache, i'm terrified so much that i could just give up, i don't mean death i just mean giving up trying, and i try so hard usually. I am falling apart.
 
megirl

megirl

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How are you feeling today?
I got through my 'glitch' its a bastard isnt it? that you kind of feel ok one day then all os a sudden it feels like somethings kicked you in the guts,
Indeed winter doesnt help, though i know situation depression exists but you may still need to get your meds reviewed.
Have you got a crisis plan?
Do you keep a journal i find sometimes it helps.
Dont give up dont let this illness win, you deserve better than that
Waking up a lot and having nightmares certainly contributes towards anxiety and agitation for me. Nightmares can be exhausting mentally and physically, and of course exhaustion affects your mood.
I think it does sound like might be a good idea to get your meds looked at,

xx
 
megirl

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But anyway, Reach just keep hanging in there.

Hope you are doing that self care stuff, have you tried relaxation techniques for getting settled for sleep.
I sometimes find some relaxing herbal teas can be useful but you do need to be careful as some may interact with your meds,

keep posting am thinking of you,
xx
 
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Reach

Reach

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Thank megirl, i have been pretty wobbly lately. I don't have a doctor to go to about meds easily as i go through my GP, and my GP isn't much use. I decided to reduce my meds by half and so far i am feeling more awake in the day. I realised that it is possible i've just been over sedated and upset over that, i hope that is all it is because i am doing a bit better the last couple of days. Time will tell if the reduction was a mistake but i'm being careful.
 
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keep posting reach you will get there baby cakes, its a uphill climb and you are on the way up XXXXX

katss
 
megirl

megirl

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I think you do indeed need to be careful.
Maybe to at the moment maybe write/journal your day to day progress and where you are with your meds so it gives you an idea of patterns etc,
Hope things improve and well done sounds like you doing ok.
i do think also you do need to be under the care of a psych doc rather than a gp, just my thoughts anyway,

xx
 
Reach

Reach

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Yes i am a bit worried about going high and then low, but so far so good.

Today had some difficult times. For a couple of hours i didn't know what to do with myself. I keep saying that i'm bored but it is more than that. It is my life at the moment, which is quite empty. What is hard is that it is empty of people. I realise that i have learnt some bad habits from my mum and being not very sociable, maybe a bit of social anxiety, isolation habits, has left me with not very many people in my life. This deep longing for interaction but also fear of it, is a problem that i don't know how to fix. My life is empty, my mum says it isn't, that i just lack employment and therefore the days are long and i have little to do, but i feel like it is more than that. I keep thinking about my old psychiatrist and how he threw parties for his friends, how he was so outgoing and friendly with his colleagues. His large family. I have no family, no husband or children, few friends, few relatives, so i feel very not hard done by but very lonely and as though i have created it all myself. I have allowed my llife to get like this out of fear. I gave up work and pushed all of my friends away and so now i am left without much of a life and with this bordeom that i shall replace with loneliness and a lack of things to do, people to talk to. My life is a big blank and it breaks my heart.
 
Kerome

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Don't worry, some of those lacks are easy to fill. I'm a bit like you, I learnt some bad habits from my parent(s) in terms of not being sociable, and struggled with social anxiety. I compensated through working hard, always got on reasonably well with colleagues during working hours but never really managed to build a social circle outside of work for many years. I got a little overweight, a little socially isolated, it was hard when I got a physical injury and couldn't work for a while, I struggled with depression.

My lesson was it pays to care for your body and your social circle. I'm still learning how to do those things in the aftermath of my big psychotic breakdown, but it is definitely possible :) My approach is hobbies, activities and classes to start with, making new friends there, and then slowly building the friendships based on a shared interest. It's tricky because I never got into the habit of exposing my innermost feelings to close friends, at all really. So I find it can be hard to articulate them properly, and speaking from the heart is definitely something you have to learn.

But I found contacting old childhood friends to be a useful activity as well. It's nice to catch up with someone you haven't seen for years and reconnect, and see if you still share some things. Same with family I haven't seen in a while.

And I don't know your circumstances, but a husband may not be hard to find, you never know, once your social activity picks up. And with a husband will come children, and a whole second social circle (all his friends, and their friends). Your life may be a big blank now, but if you work on it, perhaps in a few years that may not be the case anymore...

Big hug :hug:
 
Reach

Reach

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Thank you Kerome, you are probably right. I just cannot see anything changing ever and i am even thinking as far ahead as being a pensioner with no family whatsoever to see, loneliness at an old age. It is scaring me quite a bit. I find it so hard to just say to someone let's go for coffee. I always used to find it easy to make friends, always had alot, but now i just became a recluse. I have some friends who are used to my cancelling, and they persist which is good, but i don't see them often, i've never had that circle of friends like so many are lucky to have. It is because i am a homebod too. It is a shame there is noone at home.

Since i last wrote, i have just watched TV. I keep getting that anxiety or panic about what am i doing, what do i have to do for the next half hour. I feel in such a bad place right now, even though well as far as bipolar is concerned, i feel not right, worried, lonely, anxious, i feel a million things. I wish i could just settle and be in the moment, but moments are long and empty. I sound like a broken record.
 
megirl

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Sorry you are having it rough, its a bitch mental illness and no you dont sound like a broken record at all.
Living in the moment sounds great but like you say moments can be long.
It will pass this feeling, i hope you can get something to distract yourself or do something calming or nurturing just for you.
Can you treat yourself to something you like?
Or watch a funny movie.
I do believe you need your meds reviewed hun,
I was out of work including sick leave up to the point of resigning at least 18 months.
As i started to get better i went from thinking i would never work again ?what on earth did i want to do? Course all i wanted to do was go back to nursing.
I think part of me always will i need to learn to live and accept that part.
But anyway i got to the point of being interested in wanting to get out there and do something but not knowing what.
I started doing a couple of days a week voluntary work in a rest home, walking the oldies, hearing their stories, making them a cuppa, etc i enjoyed it until it became quite mundane for me.
I guess like my pdoc says its all a process which it is, but so different for everyone.
I find when i am well i dont get lonely its when my moods not ok that i can get lonely.
I would never dreamt i would be working in a factory cleaning, but good side of things no pressure (my boss is awesome)I hope your day is a better one,
take care
x
 
Reach

Reach

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Thank you megirl, i understand what you mean about feeling lonely only when unwell. I think i'm still getting there, i'm well but not completely and i have only been out of the worst of it for about 6 weeks now so maybe there is a little way to go. Half of it is reality though, and my life unfortunately has been near destroyed by this condition so i have some work to do to get it back on track. I still have a sort of social anxiety that i need probably to tackle forever now as my instinct is to isolate, but then isolation is not something i like once i have it either.

Today has gone okay so far. I've been out this morning but now starts the hardest part of the day, when i turn this laptop off i then have nothing to do until bath time which is hours away. i have a few chores, but little energy to do them. I have gotten through the other days so i can get through this. The anxiety in my chest is not nice though. The panic at the long day, the long week, month, life, it all gets in my head now and i don't know what to do about it but put one step in front of the other.
 
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