It's an odd old life.

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TheSea

Member
Joined
Jul 16, 2019
Messages
7
Location
England
Hi all,

Sorry in advance this is going to be a long one. Writing to just get it all out as much as for feedback/an introduction.

I guess I'm the sort of guy who seems like he has all of his shi* together on the outside. Decent little self employed business, gorgeous little girl, own home. But I just feel like I'm swimming through treacle and holding myself together with gaffer tape.

I've never been formally diagnosed with anything. I tried to get help from my drs a few times many years ago after asking a few times he just gave me a leaflet and told me to phone the number on it. I called and they did appointments where you meet and ones via the phone. None of the in person ones worked around my job so opted for the phone ones. I waited months to be seen by someone and every time we spoke she just kept saying "You don't sound that bad. Are you sure you need these appointments" after the third call/third time she said it I just said just take me off. It just felt like she wasn't interested/didn't care.

Regardless of that I suffer from depression and anxiety, the anxiety being mainly social but not always. I can sense when it's coming as my left eye twitches as I guess a pre-warning of what's to come and continues to do so. My main anxiety symptom is the feeling of not being able to breath/catch my breath.

Anyways I've always managed to hold down jobs and relationships. I've never really let it take control of my life. My natural coping mechanism when things get a bit hard/crap is just to work more so my brain doesn't really have time to mess with me/process it.

This has all been ongoing for around 10 years now. It first started in my second year of Uni. Up until this point I was out getting drunk/taking drugs 4-7 nights a week. I think the mental break finally came when I pretty much stopped drinking, going out and doing silly things. It was the first time in my years where my brain had time to process stuff and I think everything from my childhood and teen years all just tried to process at once.

To be honest until the last 3 years it had pretty much completely gone for a a long while. My mood was stable and anxiety was rare but during the last 3 years I've split up with the mother of my child, moved out the family home and had to start life again. Lost a successful business due to neglect because of that situation. Lost my mother due to cancer a year ago Saturday gone. She was the only family member I have other than my brother. Took over looking after my brother from my mother after not speaking to him for probably 15 years prior to her death. But I promised I would keep an eye out for him. It's just the odd shopping trip, picking him up from hospital every now and again but he goes through phases of of calling, messaging none stop all day every day for a week or so at a time. Demanding money, lifts, to take him drink, cigarettes. He was diagnosed with drug induced paranoid schizophrenia at around the age of 16-18. Has his own flat but carers visit once per day.

I know I'm probably feeling more down and anxious lately because of everything that's going on and it will probably improve but I just need somewhere to talk for now.

I currently have my daughter 50/50. 3 days 1 week and 4 the next. I do my own business the days I don't have her and take off the ones I do have her to play/have adventures but have an evening job 4 nights a week from home so I can work when she's sleeping and cover those lost hours/pay. However she's starting school this September so I've handed my notice in to the evening job as I'm going to have more free days to do my day job. Whilst she's at school. I'm worried the extra free time alone/to think is going to do me more damage than good.

9 times out of 10 I'm at my worst when I have time to myself (That's just 3 evenings a fortnight at the mo) but that is going to increase to 7 nights per fortnight from next month.

I barely feel like a person lately to be honest. I randomly start crying over nothing a few times a week. Tears literally just come to my eyes when I'm driving, sitting at home or shopping just completely at random. I don't seem to be able to mentally function properly my memory has always been bad but the last few years I literally remember nothing, zone out all the time during conversations. Have lack of motivation/drive other than phases of obsession where I need to finish this or that. My house is a mess most of the time. I've let friendships fall apart, I've stopped doing as many fun things with the little one, stopped taking my dog for walks, having nights out. Just feel like a shell of a person rather than a person.

I would like to think the extra free time coming up is going to be amazing. To actually have some time to socialise and to work on me. But I'm very much an introvert, always been a bit socially retarded and don't really like asking people to do things. I always feel like I'm putting people out by asking for there time/ that they have much better things to do or people they would rather spend time with. On the reverse I also get invited to do very little by others too just the odd wedding or something child related. I guess that just makes me feel my thoughts about people feel more real. One of my best friends from school did move back to our hometown and we started going out for a couple pints once a fortnight. That lasted a few months until I lent him money for a deposit on a flat then the contact pretty much just stopped.

Sorry about the rant. I dunno I'm just feeling a bit of a mess and rather broken. Hello!
 
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Trekster33

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 15, 2019
Messages
134
Location
South West UK
Hello and welcome. You have a lot to content with in your life which is majorly stressful.

Well done for kicking the booze and drugs. I battle spending, gaming, hoarding, food addictions on a daily basis. I use them to hide from my problems instead of facing them head on. It takes guts to admit you're addicted to something and tackle it head on.

We can't diagnose you unfortunately, but what has been tested for and ruled out? We can see from your post that you have anxiety and depression but could some of this be due to being a carer for your brother? I know you love him and promised your mother you would stand by him, but if he's damaging your mental health then it's time to see less of him, especially when he's demanding unreasonably off you.
 
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TheSea

Member
Joined
Jul 16, 2019
Messages
7
Location
England
Thanks Trek!
Oh I wouldn't ever want or expect a diagnosis from a forum. Don't worry, it wasn't a hint haha.

I think it's just a build up of everything from the last few years to be honest. I've kept myself that busy that nothing has had time to process and the odd time I do get a break I start thinking about EVERYTHING lol.

I know I need to process everything to be able to move on and that will happen over the next few months when I do have that extra free time. Exactly why I've signed up so I can jump in when I need the support from you lovely lot :)
 
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Trekster33

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 15, 2019
Messages
134
Location
South West UK
Thanks Trek!
Oh I wouldn't ever want or expect a diagnosis from a forum. Don't worry, it wasn't a hint haha.

I think it's just a build up of everything from the last few years to be honest. I've kept myself that busy that nothing has had time to process and the odd time I do get a break I start thinking about EVERYTHING lol.

I know I need to process everything to be able to move on and that will happen over the next few months when I do have that extra free time. Exactly why I've signed up so I can jump in when I need the support from you lovely lot :)
Anytime, another option is to ask for a carers assessment from social services to see if you can get some help in looking after your brother. He might be resistant at first to getting help from a care agency so try and involve him as much as you can.

One book that's helped me is "time management for busy people" it's Americanised but very useful as offers practical solutions including 15 minutes tasks.

I've tried keeping myself busy so I don't have to think about the past. I try and rationalise what's happened to me, knowing that I did the best I could at the time. I also check in with people when those who've been triggering in the past ask or demand things off me.
 
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TheSea

Member
Joined
Jul 16, 2019
Messages
7
Location
England
He does actually already get help. The flat he's in is ran by some mental health thing. Carers visit him once a day every day. Although all they do is go over ask him to tidy up and leave.

He's been a lot better the last couple weeks. He's rarely drinking so I'm not getting a ton of calls and messages demanding stuff at the moment either.

I must admit I won't ever read that book. I do appreciate the suggestion but simply talking is the only help that I really want/need.
 
Warrior

Warrior

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Joined
Jul 23, 2019
Messages
482
Location
UK
:welcome: @TheSea to the forum, i'm new here myself and members are lovely (y)

First of all the the ones checking on your brother aren't doing a good job because drinking with meds well that won't help him one bit to improve :)
Sounds to me like you've got deep depression more than anxiety at the moment and with so much going on with your life it's easy for the mind to relasp, it's picking yourself back up that's your main target and @Trekster33 as given some good advice on how to get your mind away for what your dealing with but good on you for fully admitting to drugs and drinking :respect:
 
T

TheSea

Member
Joined
Jul 16, 2019
Messages
7
Location
England
He did actually have really good staff until around a year ago. I never met them but he says they used to take him out, get him on courses and such. But they had budget cuts and all new staff were brought in.

Thank you. It does seem a lovely place and welcome to you too 😊
 
Warrior

Warrior

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2019
Messages
482
Location
UK
He did actually have really good staff until around a year ago. I never met them but he says they used to take him out, get him on courses and such. But they had budget cuts and all new staff were brought in.

Thank you. It does seem a lovely place and welcome to you too 😊
Not having the right people is a shame, budget cuts are doing quite some harm but I won't go down that road :rofl2:so really he's feeling low besides yourself and i'm sure it's bad depression with yourself and would seek your GP's help and pour everything you feel out :)
 

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