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It was supposed to be the best day of my life...

O

Original Lifeline

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Joined
Jul 25, 2016
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Hi, this is extremely a 'first world problems issue' but it's had a domino affect on my life and I've been thinking about it all day for months. I had a chance to meet my absolute idol and it went really wrong... I have social anxiety and despise myself for it, I was so awkward. I have no friends, apart from 2 okay friends who I can speak to every couple weeks. I feel really low seeing how much people normally communicate on social media and I wish I had that ability to be interesting. It really, really hurt after meeting this artist, who literally represents all my ideals and is so wonderfully talented and their work has so much depth... And I couldn't say anything, I was really awkward and boring. She tried being polite and nice and kept saying " Why are you so nervous?" In consideration but I feel so mad at myself for blowing it. It wasn't like being star struck, it was social anxiety...And thst moment which is been waiting for for months just slipped away. The reason it's affected me like this is because this is the person who gives me confidence, who lifts me out of myself so I can be something I like, and provides and escape when things get tough... I've had a hard few years, with a few surgeries here and there and I lost some vision, which as a teenager I wasn't expecting. I remember before the anaesthetic knocked me out I was listening to her music each time I had a surgery. we were supposed to have a picture but I must have freaked her out with my nervousness and inability to talk we didn't. Idols are really important, and this person helped form a lot of my identity, even my username is based of a song of hers... and now this has happened I really detest myself, this was supposed to make up for everything which has happened. I have a torn family too, lots of arguments and again I used to stand on this persons shoulders to get out of it. I think it's a childish way to think of the world, as if life's a story and there's climaxes and resolutions, or some things make up for other things but it's just the way I see it. I've got an offer from s really good university... Exams could have gone a lot, LOT better. If I don't meet it, I'll feel so utterly empty. I think the reason I have no friends is because there isn't much to me, sometimes I feel like a camera wirh no one behind it. Just absorbing life and not being part of it. I feel so worthless just by myself, I have a tendency to get very anxious and become negative. I know it's not that big a deal but for some reason it really upset me, life's not fantastical, and sometimes monumental moments turn out to be nothing more than moments, social anxiety is the strongest of all, and I'm nothing.
 
M

MsM

Guest
I have social anxiety too, so I can understand how you're feeling (to an extent, I've never met a celebrity and never will thanks to my social anxiety). Try not to beat yourself up, social anxiety is an evil thing, it ruins everything, it makes sure to pop up at the most crucial moments. It's incredibly difficult to overcome and its power is immense. Do you know what triggered your anxiety?

I do however think that your idol has probably seen nervous fans before - lots! On films and TV shows you see fans meeting their idols and they are too nervous to speak (or else ramble nonsense, knock things over etc.), it's quite normal to be shy and scared meeting someone so important, someone who affects your life in positive ways. Even people without social anxiety get it. I'm sure she wasn't freaked out, maybe concerned. Honestly, I don't feel I could ever meet an idol, I wouldn't even go into the place let alone try to talk to them. So I think you're really brave. :hug:

Also, I completely get looking at Facebook and wishing to be able to talk the same way with people, and be funny and interesting and "liked" (heh). I feel the same way. Thing is, social anxiety masks who we actually are underneath, it fades out our personalities so we don't shine as our true selves.

Please try not to feel bad about yourself. Hate the illness, not yourself.
 
Jaminacaranda

Jaminacaranda

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Aug 18, 2013
Messages
2,192
Location
East of England
Idols are really important
Are they? Really? Not to me, and I suspect not to many other people.

Your whole post smacks of you needing to find your own personhood - who you are as an unique individual.You don't need to be talented or famous or even rich to have an enjoyable life, there's plenty of us folks who have settled for less but still feel happy.

I've got an offer from a really good university... Exams could have gone a lot, LOT better. If I don't meet it, I'll feel so utterly empty.
Yeah, so did I, and yes - I flunked my 'A' levels but still i managed to get a good degree a few years later and went on to teach for 18 years and earn a damn good pension.

Forget the Media and forget what your parents/peers say and just strike out on your own. Just take the first, small step and it will become easier.
 
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