- Jul 25, 2016
Hi, this is extremely a 'first world problems issue' but it's had a domino affect on my life and I've been thinking about it all day for months. I had a chance to meet my absolute idol and it went really wrong... I have social anxiety and despise myself for it, I was so awkward. I have no friends, apart from 2 okay friends who I can speak to every couple weeks. I feel really low seeing how much people normally communicate on social media and I wish I had that ability to be interesting. It really, really hurt after meeting this artist, who literally represents all my ideals and is so wonderfully talented and their work has so much depth... And I couldn't say anything, I was really awkward and boring. She tried being polite and nice and kept saying " Why are you so nervous?" In consideration but I feel so mad at myself for blowing it. It wasn't like being star struck, it was social anxiety...And thst moment which is been waiting for for months just slipped away. The reason it's affected me like this is because this is the person who gives me confidence, who lifts me out of myself so I can be something I like, and provides and escape when things get tough... I've had a hard few years, with a few surgeries here and there and I lost some vision, which as a teenager I wasn't expecting. I remember before the anaesthetic knocked me out I was listening to her music each time I had a surgery. we were supposed to have a picture but I must have freaked her out with my nervousness and inability to talk we didn't. Idols are really important, and this person helped form a lot of my identity, even my username is based of a song of hers... and now this has happened I really detest myself, this was supposed to make up for everything which has happened. I have a torn family too, lots of arguments and again I used to stand on this persons shoulders to get out of it. I think it's a childish way to think of the world, as if life's a story and there's climaxes and resolutions, or some things make up for other things but it's just the way I see it. I've got an offer from s really good university... Exams could have gone a lot, LOT better. If I don't meet it, I'll feel so utterly empty. I think the reason I have no friends is because there isn't much to me, sometimes I feel like a camera wirh no one behind it. Just absorbing life and not being part of it. I feel so worthless just by myself, I have a tendency to get very anxious and become negative. I know it's not that big a deal but for some reason it really upset me, life's not fantastical, and sometimes monumental moments turn out to be nothing more than moments, social anxiety is the strongest of all, and I'm nothing.