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    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

It never gets better, I hate myself so much.

P

pipshady

Member
Joined
Jan 31, 2010
Messages
23
This is my first post here, not sure why I m doing this, I just need to vent I think.

I ve suffered for many years with a depressive disorder, i was diagnosed with rapid cycling bi polar but that diagnosis has since changed back to just a depressive disorder.

I have very little in the way of good memories, I have lied cheated and stole, I m truely ashamed of the person I was,

I am married to Joanne, we have to young sons, we split last year for 6months, I made myself get better to win her back, and this worked, I m suprised after all she has been through, I ve lied to her, been physically violent and I had an emotional affair, but despite that she says she's still
loves me, and if it was nt for her love I
m certain I would be dead by now.

I ve attempted suicide 3 times serious, needing hospital treatment, and I ve self harmed.

Things recently had been looking really good, I felt really happy, ok things were a little bumpy but things are nt going to be 100% after a break up right?
I m trying really hard to beat this depression, I have on going assessments by my psychiatrist and I take olanzapine and paroxitine.

Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, yesterday disaster struck,
Police knocked my door and issued me with a court summons, driving without due care and driving without a license

when my wife and I were seperated I was in an accident which
was my fault, no doubt about that, but when
police checked my records it showed my license had expired, I had served a ban previously but not re-applied for my license. An over sight by me, probably down to depression and memory issues.

So now it looks like I ll lose my license again, which means I lose my job as I m a gas engineer and need to drive, that means my kids and wife will suffer too, I ve caused so much damage it's unbelieveable.

So I think what's the point in me being here, I constantly fuck up, no matter how hard I try. Sure my boys would miss me but if I was nt here I would nt be around to let them down all the time, and poor joanne, I live her so much it hurts, she really is amazing, would she be better off in the end without me causing her constant grief and worry?

I just feel like a failure, I had it all and now it's all gone due to a silly accident and not having a piece of paper. I m terrified of going to court, there's no way I can afford a solicitor so I m screwed basically, at the rate I m feeling I won't even make it to court, I m so very low.
 
A

Antonia25

Active member
Joined
Jan 26, 2010
Messages
36
Location
Luton
feeling low

im so sorry you feel so low, i can understand why...

i think the thing with depression is things always feel alot worse... we dont have the ability to cope...

i dont really have sound advice to give you, regards the court etc but i can say this,.....
your wife and children love you very much, this is clear as she has stuck by you. if she didnt love you, she would have gone and not come back...
they are probably just a small amount of people that love you and would miss you incredibly if you wernt here...

are you on medication to help with these feelings?? id be concerend that these thoughts may escualte again..

sorry my words are probably of little comfort to you, but please feel free to pm me at any time... i will do my best to be virtually here for you..

take care x
 
P

pipshady

Member
Joined
Jan 31, 2010
Messages
23
Thank you, I m not really here for comforting, although it does help! I am seeking legal advice at the moment, but after a bit of Internet research the outlook looks very bleek. I feel like I m slipping into a deep depression like I have done before, I know I would lose my darling wife if I did so I gave to fight it, she and my boys are all that's keeping me here at the moment, I have no doubt if we had nt been together when this happened I would ve taken my own life. I m going to talkto my doctor about my suicidal thoughts, as they were and are more sever now, I m not considering overdoses any more. I think I love my kids and wife too much to do that. My youngest would nt remember me, he is only two, but my eldest has just turned 5, and it would destroy him. But sometimes, when my thoughts are racing, it seems like a good idea.
 
A

Antonia25

Active member
Joined
Jan 26, 2010
Messages
36
Location
Luton
family

just remember the love you and your family share
stay strong xx
 
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