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It looks like we'll be stuck in Texas forever. I give up.

S

spiritfriend

Guest
My mom and I just can't escape the situation we're in. We've been dealing with this for years. You would think after a divorce, people would move on. But my dad continues to hold on tight and keep us locked in a place we hate.

This might sound silly to some. I know I've been complaining about Texas a lot here, but I truly hate this place. There's nothing here. Rude people, heat, flat land, gun obsessed idiots, boring buildings, cars cars more cars. Life here feels like a commercial. Everyone is just doing stuff they have to do. It's all planned out. And besides, all of the worst memories I have are from Texas. I know bad things can happen anywhere, but my mom and I often joke about how this place is cursed for us.

Last time we lived here my mom had cancer twice. My dad treated her terribly during that hard time in her life. I was too little to understand what was going on. And then the thing between me and my uncle happened. Then there were fights between my mom and my dads side of the family. They didn't like my mom because she isn't black (which made so sense. my dad used to date black women. they didn't like his black girlfriends either.) And they didn't like me because I'm not fully black. So...?

I was born in Germany. When I got back to Germany as a kid, I felt so happy. It was like starting over. And when I think of Germany, I think of home and happiness and safety. I think of other places around Europe that I had visited that interest me. It fills me with inspiration and I feel like I need that healthy environment back. Medication can only take you so far. It's the environment that matters, too. I keep saying this.

Now, because of the military (my dad's retired now), we're stuck in Texas again and what happens? Terrible things. From money problems, to mental health issues, to suicide attempts. This place really is cursed. No, I don't care if you find it stupid that I'm saying that. I stand by what I believe. I hate this place and I want to leave. And that's it.

It's been years of abuse and stalking and mental illness and money issues. I'm so sick of it. And today I find out that my dad might still be keeping back money that he owes us (since my parents divorce) and we need that money. I hate that I got him a stupid Christmas present. I can't stand this lifestyle anymore. And the bad memories keep playing over and over in my head and medication isn't working.

I'm so tired. I don't think I can keep up with this stress anymore.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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Messages
17,161
I'm so sorry Luna

Ive lived a longish life now, nothing ever stays the same for long. Change is the only thing you can rely on.

Something unexpected happens and what you think is your future, suddenly is not.

Hang in there. Keep asking for help. Something WILL shift for you, I'm sure. :hug:
 
C

Crazy Lady In Stanton

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Luna, I'm so sorry you are trapped. I've been there before. I was trapped with abusive parents and church elders who basically kept me prisoner. They wouldn't even let me go to school. Your situation sounds even worse than mine was, as you are also trapped in Texas. Seriously, that is one of the states in the Union that the rest of country makes fun of (that and Alabama). Maybe you can't make it back to Germany, but could you make it out to California? Most areas of Orange County are really nice. The social services are pretty good, and there's many shelters and other charities.
 
S

spiritfriend

Guest
Maybe you can't make it back to Germany, but could you make it out to California?
My mom and I thought of going to different states before. But we're currently saving money for Germany. It just feels like it's taking forever. Today she told me that next year will be the last year for us in Texas and I hope she's right. Plus, she's not a US citizen. She can only live here for several more years. I have both US and German. I also think that if we moved to a different state, my dad would follow us. He can't chase us if we were in Germany.

Anyway, thank you both for commenting. :hug: :hug:
 
C

Crazy Lady In Stanton

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The South is basically the dirty armpit of the US. Escape up North. The Northwest is especially nice. Or just come out to Southern California.
I'm sorry your dad's family isn't nice to you. That must be painful. How lonely that must feel.
I know it's not the same as having caring family, but I like you. You are kind, intelligent, and creative.
Don't give up hope of escaping.
 
C

Crazy Lady In Stanton

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I hope you make it back to Germany soon. I wish you luck! :)
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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I once look into cargo ships to see if they could take a passenger. It is one way to cross the atlantic.
 
S

spiritfriend

Guest
Thank you all for making me smile. And for understanding too!
I truly felt like giving up today but you have given me hope. Thank you so much!
 
Sen

Sen

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Jigoku
You're not stupid and neither are your feelings,Being in such a negative situation is bound to make you unhappy (especially when you've been trapped in it for so long)Like you,My mother and myself think we're cursed because of all the terrible things that have happened to us in our lives.It's hard to hold onto hope when we think that the bad times will never change or let up.It's just seems to be one bad thing after another and it's way too much to cope with,It can be soul destroying and completely crushing to live with day in and day out.

I wish that I could say that it will all work out,But I can't be that cruel and give you false hope.All I can really do is hear you out if you ever want to talk because you shouldn't have to go through this alone.You don't deserve this pain or this misery,You deserve far better than all this you really do.
 
S

spiritfriend

Guest
You're not stupid and neither are your feelings,Being in such a negative situation is bound to make you unhappy (especially when you've been trapped in it for so long)Like you,My mother and myself think we're cursed because of all the terrible things that have happened to us in our lives.It's hard to hold onto hope when we think that the bad times will never change or let up.It's just seems to be one bad thing after another and it's way too much to cope with,It can be soul destroying and completely crushing to live with day in and day out.

I wish that I could say that it will all work out,But I can't be that cruel and give you false hope.All I can really do is hear you out if you ever want to talk because you shouldn't have to go through this alone.You don't deserve this pain or this misery,You deserve far better than all this you really do.
Thank you. :hug:
I hope you and your mother are doing okay.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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Messages
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Location
The Prancing Pony
My mom and I thought of going to different states before. But we're currently saving money for Germany. It just feels like it's taking forever. Today she told me that next year will be the last year for us in Texas and I hope she's right. Plus, she's not a US citizen. She can only live here for several more years. I have both US and German. I also think that if we moved to a different state, my dad would follow us. He can't chase us if we were in Germany.

Anyway, thank you both for commenting. :hug: :hug:
That sounds like it is sorted then. Get to Germany and it will be fine. Its a nice country. When they get drunk in germany they just start singing and dancing. Its different over there.
 
Sen

Sen

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Thank you. :hug:
I hope you and your mother are doing okay.
I'm in quite a bit of physical pain, but I live with that daily so it's ok,My mother is unwell to so she's had to take pain meds.How are you coping ?
 
S

spiritfriend

Guest
I'm in quite a bit of physical pain, but I live with that daily so it's ok,My mother is unwell to so she's had to take pain meds.How are you coping ?
I'm sorry to hear. So far I'm fine.
I hope you and your mom feel better soon. If you ever go through any trouble and feel like talking, I'm here to listen. :hug: Wishing you the best!
 
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