It has been a while since I have been here. Originally, I came to this forum for someone else, but I guess I am the one messed up. The older I get the worse it gets. My doctor of 20 years is retiring and I have to find a new shrink. You all know how exhausting that is. I have addictive behavior depression, and OCD (not the cleaning orderly kind but the obsessive thoughts) and I'm a big isolator. Been clean from alcohol for over 11 years but I've gambled myself into a tissy. I spent 11 years helping people and stopped when my job of 9 years went to hell. Now here I am back to suicide idealization and not wanting to leave my house, unless to gamble early in the morning in a corner smoking cigs and hiding from the world. I'm tired and I'm afraid once I get elderly, I'm gonna be totally out of my mind. I don't even know why I'm here. Ha. Well, Just lurking and vomiting nothing of substance here. Have a good one.