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"It had nothing to do with you, do you know that"

TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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On The Train
I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 at a party. I asked for help and the people looked away from me and did not help me. My mother who was a cruel lady told me when I told her what happened that I “should not have been there”. And did not take me to the hospital or treatment. I was horrified because my identity was a “good girl”. Who am I now?

I went thought Cognitive Processing Therapy with my therapist about my sexual assault. It was many weeks of many sessions of intense, intense talking, writing, and going over my story, my thoughts and feelings and having my therapist help me make sense of it all. Sometimes I would sit and wail and my therapist would sit there and look at the ceiling.

I had a lot of “stuck points” as they call them. They are incorrect views about a topic that keep you “stuck” in these defense mechanisms.

It was my fault. It was because I…… ( My therapist would say: “but others say the EXACT opposite”)

If only I……… I should have figured out what would happen!! (My therapist would say: “If you could do that, would you have gone there?”)

The big part of the therapy was that, there is not REASON for my attacker to have attacked me. THERE IS NO REASON. I will not know or understand the REASON. I am not like my attacker and I will not understand. (My therapist: If could be he set out to attack someone and you were the first one he saw). I will never understand. That’s ok.

I had severe downs in this time and I was suicidal, which is why they make you come so often to CPT therapy but I am glad I lived through it. It was just words and THAT was hard.

I never talked to anyone in depth about my assault and my feelings. I was in denial for a long time that I was affected to greatly because I had to keep trudging forward in order to survive. I had to work, I had to go to school, and take care of everyone in my life before I would face issues that I had.

After two bad marriages I was blessed with a really kind, loving fiancé. He did not go through all this abuse and trauma that I have. He is a confident person with strong bonds to his loving parents. He has never had issues like I have. He was never abused. He sets goals and attains them. He will tell people NO. His perspective is really amazing to me. I have been triggered by something on TV or something someone said or did and I felt that I should explain to him. He said I didn’t have to tell him anything but I thought he should know what had happened. I told him what happened and the effect of it on me. I told him my issues from it and how I modify my life so that this attack doesn’t happen again. He looked surprised at my reasoning. He said, "It had nothing to do with you, do you know that?" It sort of shocked me because a healthy, happy, confident person can see all these truths right away, without psychology training. It wasn’t your fault. We make our own choices.

It wasn’t YOUR fault. It had nothing to do with you, do you know that?

All the best with much love,
Tulip
🤗
 
Foxjo

Foxjo

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I hear you x
It's not easy to get through to yourself when you have been a victim of such an attack. I know the feeling of blaming yourself.

I'm glad you have had some counselling. I brought mine up with my counsellor after being triggered by a soap storyline. I was fed up of being triggered and regressing back into my shell.

You are so brave speaking out. You are stronger than you know.
Hugs to you
Fox
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Thanks for your post @TulipIceCream

I'm sorry you were sexually assaulted.But yeah,working through it is hard and coming to a point where you no longer find fault in yourself is hard too.

It took me much therapy to accept and believe all the SA I experienced in childhood wasn't my fault.

Hugs
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 5, 2019
Messages
466
Location
On The Train
I see this forum as a place to improve. I may or may not ever come back to this place and that's ok. :) I may or may not respond to these postings in a normal way. That's ok too
 
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