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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

It doesnt look good, it doesnt look good at all.

Wheelie Bin Barry

Wheelie Bin Barry

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 17, 2021
Messages
506
Location
North of The Wall
Not sure why I am writing this, there's doesn't seem to be much point, but I have come to appreciate unloading all the crap if nothing else.

Things don't look good, I am actually sane at this point in time, as sane as I can be anyway, my meds have cleared my head at least enough to control my emotions, but still, it doesn't look good.

I have never really been good at anything, I have never been smart, I have never had talent, or any measurable ability of any kind, and I knew that, but I hoped I could at least be a reasonable thinker, in my own slow sort of way.

I also hoped based on kind remarks I had received, that I might actually be a good writer or poet, at least to some extent, and able to enjoy myself a little through it, but it turns out im not, and it's much worse than that alone, much worse for me indeed, it saddens me to say.

My brain is so warped, so slow, so thick, so ridiculously inept, and so lacking of any sort of clarity whatsoever, that I can't even see reality as everyone else can see it, I can't even understand it, or comprehend what people are telling me, regardless of how clearly they are speaking, my life is one big inescapable delusion.

I just don't have the brain power to see, or to understand why, and I do not have enough strength of heart, to even accept what little becomes visible to me, if it ever truly does that is, I honestly don't know what I can do now.

If I can't even see the world clearly, as others see it, if my reality is so warped compared to theirs, to the point I really am just an ignorant fool, who can never possibly succeed, regardless of how hard I try, what can I really do?, what is left for me at that point?.

I give up again, only, this time it's a different sort of giving up, a sort of calm acceptance, im not really emotional about it, I have a sense of sadness, and as time passes, I may become severely depressed at some point, but I still intend to continue on if I can.

It's just finally become inescapably apparent, that my worst fears were true all along, I really am brain dead, useless, incapable of success of any kind, a source of disturbance in the lives of everyone I come into contact with, I am the complete definition of what it means to be a burden upon society, and a waste of space, time, and oxygen.

Im also overweight, ugly, with an oddly shaped face and body, squint eyes and teeth, and a bad personality, with mannerisms that irritate and annoy everyone who ever comes into contact with me.

there is no hope for me in this world whatsoever, there never will be, there never has been, I have always been this way, it is how I was born, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

My foster carers were right, "I lack clarity" "im glakit" "im not going to make it" but how did it take me 20 bloody years just to begin to see, what they saw all too clearly immediately off the bat?.

And what did I do to deserve being born into such a curse anyway, to be cursed completely in every state of my existence from birth, to the untimely end that inevitably awaits me, and whatever horror destiny has reserved for me, in the next stage that comes after that, at the end of my wretched and miserable existence?.

My condition is so unfortunately depressing, that I can't even be sad about it any more, I guess sadness reflects a kind of fighting to carry on, that something's not right, and needs to change, that either I will do better, or they should, and that im sad about it.

But no, none of that is true in my case, there is absolutely nothing I can do, there's no fight left in me at all, and even if there was, there's no point in even trying, it's completely pointless, it's completely hopeless, it would be a complete waste of time.

The magnitude of this undeniable realisation, has replaced any sense of sadness I might have had, with a strange sense of wonder, perhaps a sense of what the actual fuck, but I don't feel enough for that description to be accurate, is this what it feels like to be dead inside?.

Though thinking about it, im starting to feel again, a sense of anger, at the unfairness of it all, a sense of resentment, or general displeasure, towards God for creating me this way, though im not sure that thats fair or deserved, but still, I can't help feeling this way to some extent, why?, what did I do to deserve this?, I've prayed, I've cried, I've humbled myself exceedingly, where is my miracle?, where is my transformation?, why was I even born?, just to be inescapably cursed to death? after a lifetime of sorrow, despair, and suffering?, what have I done to deserve that?, and more importantly, what did I do before I was even born, to deserve being shat into it all against my will?.

I don't want to be angry, I don't want to speak badly of God, I want to believe all the good things that the Bible says about God, I want to believe all the good things that Christians have said, but I just don't get it, I don't understand, why?.

Yes im a sinner, yes I've done things I know I shouldn't, yes I have a sinful nature that results in sinful behaviour, but it's not like I had a choice in the matter, and it's not like I have a choice in the matter even now.

I have tried so hard to be a good person, to change who I am and how I behave, but it's completely impossible, I never really had a chance, I never really had a choice, the impulses inside me are too powerful to control, let alone resist, and there's nothing I can do about it, this is a raw deal, and im not happy about it at all.

Prayer doesn't work, even in floods of tears begging on my knees, even curled up in the fetal position in emotional agony, if the Bible is true for others, why isn't it true for me?, is it even true at all?, I don't think I like either possibility anymore, true or not, this is unbearable, and even though im a sinner, that's how I was born, there's nothing I can do about it, despite trying everything I possibly could, and I don't know that I deserve it, regardless of what the Bible has to say at this point?.

But somewhere inside, deep in the core, I still want to believe, I still want to be a good Christian, I still want to follow Jesus, to hope in the goodness of God, trusting and believing in him, living a life that's pleasing to him, or at least acceptable, I want a relationship with a loving God who created me, and cares deeply enough about me to die for me, so I can live happily forever in a Garden paradise, but I can't help but wonder, was that all just a fairytale?, and if it's not, why am I forsaken?.

I just don't know what to believe, I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do, I don't know that there is any point at all regardless, im completely at a loss, but even so, I wish I was like job, sad, desparing, troubled, afflicted, feeling it's unfair, asking God why, but never cursing him, knowing he is good, even if I don't fully understand, trusting him, even if he were to slay me, but I don't know that I have what it takes to be so strong.

It's not easy, especially feeling so alone, and totally without help, pastors aren't interested in dealing with real problems, they are just not interested, and will not listen or respond at all, even by email, all they want is to earn a paycheck, and to spend their time at barbeques and sing alongs, while I suffer on my own in silence, out of sight, and out of mind.

Perhaps I could bear having no help from any living being anywhere in the world forever, if only God would help me, guide me, and strengthen me, as the Bible says he would, but I've never seen him, I've never heard his voice, in prayer or otherwise, and the same goes for all the host of angels under his command as well, heaven, if it really is anything more, than gassy balls of light somewhere in the sky, is completely silent, silent in everything, at all times, and no where to be found at all, ever.

I have no intelligence or strength to succeed or support myself, I live in a cruel world of endless lies, selfishness, suffering, sadness, and cruelty, and I have no help, no support, no guidance, even from the saviour?, the source of forgiveness and salvation?, or any of those under his command?, what on earth can I possibly do?, I just don't know anymore, I will try go cling to hope, I will try to hold on to what little I have left, for as long as I possibly can, but truthfully, if im being completely honest, it doesn't look good, it doesn't look good for me at all.
 
Z

ZechariahElijah

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 16, 2021
Messages
148
Location
United States
Thanks for sharing. You seem to be a pretty good writer to me. I found your post to be thoughtful and profound.

By the way... I'm studying to be a pastor. And I'm interested in dealing with real problems because I deal with my own real problems every second of every day. I'd be glad to talk more with you.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,194
Not sure why I am writing this, there's doesn't seem to be much point, but I have come to appreciate unloading all the crap if nothing else.

Things don't look good, I am actually sane at this point in time, as sane as I can be anyway, my meds have cleared my head at least enough to control my emotions, but still, it doesn't look good.

I have never really been good at anything, I have never been smart, I have never had talent, or any measurable ability of any kind, and I knew that, but I hoped I could at least be a reasonable thinker, in my own slow sort of way.

I also hoped based on kind remarks I had received, that I might actually be a good writer or poet, at least to some extent, and able to enjoy myself a little through it, but it turns out im not, and it's much worse than that alone, much worse for me indeed, it saddens me to say.

My brain is so warped, so slow, so thick, so ridiculously inept, and so lacking of any sort of clarity whatsoever, that I can't even see reality as everyone else can see it, I can't even understand it, or comprehend what people are telling me, regardless of how clearly they are speaking, my life is one big inescapable delusion.

I just don't have the brain power to see, or to understand why, and I do not have enough strength of heart, to even accept what little becomes visible to me, if it ever truly does that is, I honestly don't know what I can do now.

If I can't even see the world clearly, as others see it, if my reality is so warped compared to theirs, to the point I really am just an ignorant fool, who can never possibly succeed, regardless of how hard I try, what can I really do?, what is left for me at that point?.

I give up again, only, this time it's a different sort of giving up, a sort of calm acceptance, im not really emotional about it, I have a sense of sadness, and as time passes, I may become severely depressed at some point, but I still intend to continue on if I can.

It's just finally become inescapably apparent, that my worst fears were true all along, I really am brain dead, useless, incapable of success of any kind, a source of disturbance in the lives of everyone I come into contact with, I am the complete definition of what it means to be a burden upon society, and a waste of space, time, and oxygen.

Im also overweight, ugly, with an oddly shaped face and body, squint eyes and teeth, and a bad personality, with mannerisms that irritate and annoy everyone who ever comes into contact with me.

there is no hope for me in this world whatsoever, there never will be, there never has been, I have always been this way, it is how I was born, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

My foster carers were right, "I lack clarity" "im glakit" "im not going to make it" but how did it take me 20 bloody years just to begin to see, what they saw all too clearly immediately off the bat?.

And what did I do to deserve being born into such a curse anyway, to be cursed completely in every state of my existence from birth, to the untimely end that inevitably awaits me, and whatever horror destiny has reserved for me, in the next stage that comes after that, at the end of my wretched and miserable existence?.

My condition is so unfortunately depressing, that I can't even be sad about it any more, I guess sadness reflects a kind of fighting to carry on, that something's not right, and needs to change, that either I will do better, or they should, and that im sad about it.

But no, none of that is true in my case, there is absolutely nothing I can do, there's no fight left in me at all, and even if there was, there's no point in even trying, it's completely pointless, it's completely hopeless, it would be a complete waste of time.

The magnitude of this undeniable realisation, has replaced any sense of sadness I might have had, with a strange sense of wonder, perhaps a sense of what the actual fuck, but I don't feel enough for that description to be accurate, is this what it feels like to be dead inside?.

Though thinking about it, im starting to feel again, a sense of anger, at the unfairness of it all, a sense of resentment, or general displeasure, towards God for creating me this way, though im not sure that thats fair or deserved, but still, I can't help feeling this way to some extent, why?, what did I do to deserve this?, I've prayed, I've cried, I've humbled myself exceedingly, where is my miracle?, where is my transformation?, why was I even born?, just to be inescapably cursed to death? after a lifetime of sorrow, despair, and suffering?, what have I done to deserve that?, and more importantly, what did I do before I was even born, to deserve being shat into it all against my will?.

I don't want to be angry, I don't want to speak badly of God, I want to believe all the good things that the Bible says about God, I want to believe all the good things that Christians have said, but I just don't get it, I don't understand, why?.

Yes im a sinner, yes I've done things I know I shouldn't, yes I have a sinful nature that results in sinful behaviour, but it's not like I had a choice in the matter, and it's not like I have a choice in the matter even now.

I have tried so hard to be a good person, to change who I am and how I behave, but it's completely impossible, I never really had a chance, I never really had a choice, the impulses inside me are too powerful to control, let alone resist, and there's nothing I can do about it, this is a raw deal, and im not happy about it at all.

Prayer doesn't work, even in floods of tears begging on my knees, even curled up in the fetal position in emotional agony, if the Bible is true for others, why isn't it true for me?, is it even true at all?, I don't think I like either possibility anymore, true or not, this is unbearable, and even though im a sinner, that's how I was born, there's nothing I can do about it, despite trying everything I possibly could, and I don't know that I deserve it, regardless of what the Bible has to say at this point?.

But somewhere inside, deep in the core, I still want to believe, I still want to be a good Christian, I still want to follow Jesus, to hope in the goodness of God, trusting and believing in him, living a life that's pleasing to him, or at least acceptable, I want a relationship with a loving God who created me, and cares deeply enough about me to die for me, so I can live happily forever in a Garden paradise, but I can't help but wonder, was that all just a fairytale?, and if it's not, why am I forsaken?.

I just don't know what to believe, I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do, I don't know that there is any point at all regardless, im completely at a loss, but even so, I wish I was like job, sad, desparing, troubled, afflicted, feeling it's unfair, asking God why, but never cursing him, knowing he is good, even if I don't fully understand, trusting him, even if he were to slay me, but I don't know that I have what it takes to be so strong.

It's not easy, especially feeling so alone, and totally without help, pastors aren't interested in dealing with real problems, they are just not interested, and will not listen or respond at all, even by email, all they want is to earn a paycheck, and to spend their time at barbeques and sing alongs, while I suffer on my own in silence, out of sight, and out of mind.

Perhaps I could bear having no help from any living being anywhere in the world forever, if only God would help me, guide me, and strengthen me, as the Bible says he would, but I've never seen him, I've never heard his voice, in prayer or otherwise, and the same goes for all the host of angels under his command as well, heaven, if it really is anything more, than gassy balls of light somewhere in the sky, is completely silent, silent in everything, at all times, and no where to be found at all, ever.

I have no intelligence or strength to succeed or support myself, I live in a cruel world of endless lies, selfishness, suffering, sadness, and cruelty, and I have no help, no support, no guidance, even from the saviour?, the source of forgiveness and salvation?, or any of those under his command?, what on earth can I possibly do?, I just don't know anymore, I will try go cling to hope, I will try to hold on to what little I have left, for as long as I possibly can, but truthfully, if im being completely honest, it doesn't look good, it doesn't look good for me at all.
Sorry to hear of your struggles :hug: Has anything happend recently to trigger these thoughts? Change is possible, sometimes it's identifying those small opportunities which can make a difference over a larger period of time. Rome wasn't built in a day and as such it's important to stay strong and stay positive and reaching out to others is a great idea :) If we know a little more about your situation etc. we may be able to help and support you better. Are you in regular contact with your Care Teams etc. and do they know how you are currently feeling :hug:
 
Wheelie Bin Barry

Wheelie Bin Barry

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 17, 2021
Messages
506
Location
North of The Wall
Sorry to hear of your struggles :hug: Has anything happend recently to trigger these thoughts? Change is possible, sometimes it's identifying those small opportunities which can make a difference over a larger period of time. Rome wasn't built in a day and as such it's important to stay strong and stay positive and reaching out to others is a great idea :) If we know a little more about your situation etc. we may be able to help and support you better. Are you in regular contact with your Care Teams etc. and do they know how you are currently feeling :hug:
I'm ok now, it was just a moment of discouragement, but im better today, im in contact with my care team, they know im having a hard time, but don't know why, I have mentioned this forum though, they gave me an email address so I can lead them to it, well just have to see what happens after that.
 
Wheelie Bin Barry

Wheelie Bin Barry

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 17, 2021
Messages
506
Location
North of The Wall
Thanks for sharing. You seem to be a pretty good writer to me. I found your post to be thoughtful and profound.

By the way... I'm studying to be a pastor. And I'm interested in dealing with real problems because I deal with my own real problems every second of every day. I'd be glad to talk more with you.
That's nice to hear, and im happy to talk to anyone including you, but don't feel like you have to, im ok, I was just a bit discouraged.
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
905
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
Hi @Wheelie Bin Barry,

I notice that you use a lot of absolutes in your post--all-or-nothing thinking. This is a cognitive distortion you have to work on. I boldfaced practically all of these absolutes. I most likely missed a good many:

All-or-nothing thinking often involves using absolute terms, such as never or ever. This type of faulty thinking can also include an inability to see the alternatives in a situation or solutions to a problem. For people with anxiety or depression, this often means only seeing the downside to any given situation.

Not sure why I am writing this, there's doesn't seem to be much point, but I have come to appreciate unloading all the crap if nothing else.

Things don't look good, I am actually sane at this point in time, as sane as I can be anyway, my meds have cleared my head at least enough to control my emotions, but still, it doesn't look good.

I have never really been good at anything, I have never been smart, I have never had talent, or any measurable ability of any kind, and I knew that, but I hoped I could at least be a reasonable thinker, in my own slow sort of way.

I also hoped based on kind remarks I had received, that I might actually be a good writer or poet, at least to some extent, and able to enjoy myself a little through it, but it turns out im not, and it's much worse than that alone, much worse for me indeed, it saddens me to say.

My brain is so warped, so slow, so thick, so ridiculously inept, and so lacking of any sort of clarity whatsoever, that I can't even see reality as everyone else can see it, I can't even understand it, or comprehend what people are telling me, regardless of how clearly they are speaking, my life is one big inescapable delusion.

I just don't have the brain power to see, or to understand why, and I do not have enough strength of heart, to even accept what little becomes visible to me, if it ever truly does that is, I honestly don't know what I can do now.

If I can't even see the world clearly, as others see it, if my reality is so warped compared to theirs, to the point I really am just an ignorant fool, who can never possibly succeed, regardless of how hard I try, what can I really do?, what is left for me at that point?.

I give up again, only, this time it's a different sort of giving up, a sort of calm acceptance, im not really emotional about it, I have a sense of sadness, and as time passes, I may become severely depressed at some point, but I still intend to continue on if I can.

It's just finally become inescapably apparent, that my worst fears were true all along, I really am brain dead, useless, incapable of success of any kind, a source of disturbance in the lives of everyone I come into contact with, I am the complete definition of what it means to be a burden upon society, and a waste of space, time, and oxygen.

Im also overweight, ugly, with an oddly shaped face and body, squint eyes and teeth, and a bad personality, with mannerisms that irritate and annoy everyone who ever comes into contact with me.

there is no hope for me in this world whatsoever, there never will be, there never has been, I have always been this way, it is how I was born, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

My foster carers were right, "I lack clarity" "im glakit" "im not going to make it" but how did it take me 20 bloody years just to begin to see, what they saw all too clearly immediately off the bat?.

And what did I do to deserve being born into such a curse anyway, to be cursed completely in every state of my existence from birth, to the untimely end that inevitably awaits me, and whatever horror destiny has reserved for me, in the next stage that comes after that, at the end of my wretched and miserable existence?.

My condition is so unfortunately depressing, that I can't even be sad about it any more, I guess sadness reflects a kind of fighting to carry on, that something's not right, and needs to change, that either I will do better, or they should, and that im sad about it.

But no, none of that is true in my case, there is absolutely nothing I can do, there's no fight left in me at all, and even if there was, there's no point in even trying, it's completely pointless, it's completely hopeless, it would be a complete waste of time.

The magnitude of this undeniable realisation, has replaced any sense of sadness I might have had, with a strange sense of wonder, perhaps a sense of what the actual fuck, but I don't feel enough for that description to be accurate, is this what it feels like to be dead inside?.

Though thinking about it, im starting to feel again, a sense of anger, at the unfairness of it all, a sense of resentment, or general displeasure, towards God for creating me this way, though im not sure that thats fair or deserved, but still, I can't help feeling this way to some extent, why?, what did I do to deserve this?, I've prayed, I've cried, I've humbled myself exceedingly, where is my miracle?, where is my transformation?, why was I even born?, just to be inescapably cursed to death? after a lifetime of sorrow, despair, and suffering?, what have I done to deserve that?, and more importantly, what did I do before I was even born, to deserve being shat into it all against my will?.

I don't want to be angry, I don't want to speak badly of God, I want to believe all the good things that the Bible says about God, I want to believe all the good things that Christians have said, but I just don't get it, I don't understand, why?.

Yes im a sinner, yes I've done things I know I shouldn't, yes I have a sinful nature that results in sinful behaviour, but it's not like I had a choice in the matter, and it's not like I have a choice in the matter even now.

I have tried so hard to be a good person, to change who I am and how I behave, but it's completely impossible, I never really had a chance, I never really had a choice, the impulses inside me are too powerful to control, let alone resist, and there's nothing I can do about it, this is a raw deal, and im not happy about it at all.

Prayer doesn't work, even in floods of tears begging on my knees, even curled up in the fetal position in emotional agony, if the Bible is true for others, why isn't it true for me?, is it even true at all?, I don't think I like either possibility anymore, true or not, this is unbearable, and even though im a sinner, that's how I was born, there's nothing I can do about it, despite trying everything I possibly could, and I don't know that I deserve it, regardless of what the Bible has to say at this point?.

But somewhere inside, deep in the core, I still want to believe, I still want to be a good Christian, I still want to follow Jesus, to hope in the goodness of God, trusting and believing in him, living a life that's pleasing to him, or at least acceptable, I want a relationship with a loving God who created me, and cares deeply enough about me to die for me, so I can live happily forever in a Garden paradise, but I can't help but wonder, was that all just a fairytale?, and if it's not, why am I forsaken?.

I just don't know what to believe, I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do, I don't know that there is any point at all regardless, im completely at a loss, but even so, I wish I was like job, sad, desparing, troubled, afflicted, feeling it's unfair, asking God why, but never cursing him, knowing he is good, even if I don't fully understand, trusting him, even if he were to slay me, but I don't know that I have what it takes to be so strong.

It's not easy, especially feeling so alone, and totally without help, pastors aren't interested in dealing with real problems, they are just not interested, and will not listen or respond at all, even by email, all they want is to earn a paycheck, and to spend their time at barbeques and sing alongs, while I suffer on my own in silence, out of sight, and out of mind.

Perhaps I could bear having no help from any living being anywhere in the world forever, if only God would help me, guide me, and strengthen me, as the Bible says he would, but I've never seen him, I've never heard his voice, in prayer or otherwise, and the same goes for all the host of angels under his command as well, heaven, if it really is anything more, than gassy balls of light somewhere in the sky, is completely silent, silent in everything, at all times, and no where to be found at all, ever.

I have no intelligence or strength to succeed or support myself, I live in a cruel world of endless lies, selfishness, suffering, sadness, and cruelty, and I have no help, no support, no guidance, even from the saviour?, the source of forgiveness and salvation?, or any of those under his command?, what on earth can I possibly do?, I just don't know anymore, I will try go cling to hope, I will try to hold on to what little I have left, for as long as I possibly can, but truthfully, if im being completely honest, it doesn't look good, it doesn't look good for me at all.
 
Wheelie Bin Barry

Wheelie Bin Barry

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 17, 2021
Messages
506
Location
North of The Wall
Hi @Wheelie Bin Barry,

I notice that you use a lot of absolutes in your post--all-or-nothing thinking. This is a cognitive distortion you have to work on. I boldfaced practically all of these absolutes. I most likely missed a good many:

All-or-nothing thinking often involves using absolute terms, such as never or ever. This type of faulty thinking can also include an inability to see the alternatives in a situation or solutions to a problem. For people with anxiety or depression, this often means only seeing the downside to any given situation.

Not sure why I am writing this, there's doesn't seem to be much point, but I have come to appreciate unloading all the crap if nothing else.

Things don't look good, I am actually sane at this point in time, as sane as I can be anyway, my meds have cleared my head at least enough to control my emotions, but still, it doesn't look good.

I have never really been good at anything, I have never been smart, I have never had talent, or any measurable ability of any kind, and I knew that, but I hoped I could at least be a reasonable thinker, in my own slow sort of way.

I also hoped based on kind remarks I had received, that I might actually be a good writer or poet, at least to some extent, and able to enjoy myself a little through it, but it turns out im not, and it's much worse than that alone, much worse for me indeed, it saddens me to say.

My brain is so warped, so slow, so thick, so ridiculously inept, and so lacking of any sort of clarity whatsoever, that I can't even see reality as everyone else can see it, I can't even understand it, or comprehend what people are telling me, regardless of how clearly they are speaking, my life is one big inescapable delusion.

I just don't have the brain power to see, or to understand why, and I do not have enough strength of heart, to even accept what little becomes visible to me, if it ever truly does that is, I honestly don't know what I can do now.

If I can't even see the world clearly, as others see it, if my reality is so warped compared to theirs, to the point I really am just an ignorant fool, who can never possibly succeed, regardless of how hard I try, what can I really do?, what is left for me at that point?.

I give up again, only, this time it's a different sort of giving up, a sort of calm acceptance, im not really emotional about it, I have a sense of sadness, and as time passes, I may become severely depressed at some point, but I still intend to continue on if I can.

It's just finally become inescapably apparent, that my worst fears were true all along, I really am brain dead, useless, incapable of success of any kind, a source of disturbance in the lives of everyone I come into contact with, I am the complete definition of what it means to be a burden upon society, and a waste of space, time, and oxygen.

Im also overweight, ugly, with an oddly shaped face and body, squint eyes and teeth, and a bad personality, with mannerisms that irritate and annoy everyone who ever comes into contact with me.

there is no hope for me in this world whatsoever, there never will be, there never has been, I have always been this way, it is how I was born, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

My foster carers were right, "I lack clarity" "im glakit" "im not going to make it" but how did it take me 20 bloody years just to begin to see, what they saw all too clearly immediately off the bat?.

And what did I do to deserve being born into such a curse anyway, to be cursed completely in every state of my existence from birth, to the untimely end that inevitably awaits me, and whatever horror destiny has reserved for me, in the next stage that comes after that, at the end of my wretched and miserable existence?.

My condition is so unfortunately depressing, that I can't even be sad about it any more, I guess sadness reflects a kind of fighting to carry on, that something's not right, and needs to change, that either I will do better, or they should, and that im sad about it.

But no, none of that is true in my case, there is absolutely nothing I can do, there's no fight left in me at all, and even if there was, there's no point in even trying, it's completely pointless, it's completely hopeless, it would be a complete waste of time.

The magnitude of this undeniable realisation, has replaced any sense of sadness I might have had, with a strange sense of wonder, perhaps a sense of what the actual fuck, but I don't feel enough for that description to be accurate, is this what it feels like to be dead inside?.

Though thinking about it, im starting to feel again, a sense of anger, at the unfairness of it all, a sense of resentment, or general displeasure, towards God for creating me this way, though im not sure that thats fair or deserved, but still, I can't help feeling this way to some extent, why?, what did I do to deserve this?, I've prayed, I've cried, I've humbled myself exceedingly, where is my miracle?, where is my transformation?, why was I even born?, just to be inescapably cursed to death? after a lifetime of sorrow, despair, and suffering?, what have I done to deserve that?, and more importantly, what did I do before I was even born, to deserve being shat into it all against my will?.

I don't want to be angry, I don't want to speak badly of God, I want to believe all the good things that the Bible says about God, I want to believe all the good things that Christians have said, but I just don't get it, I don't understand, why?.

Yes im a sinner, yes I've done things I know I shouldn't, yes I have a sinful nature that results in sinful behaviour, but it's not like I had a choice in the matter, and it's not like I have a choice in the matter even now.

I have tried so hard to be a good person, to change who I am and how I behave, but it's completely impossible, I never really had a chance, I never really had a choice, the impulses inside me are too powerful to control, let alone resist, and there's nothing I can do about it, this is a raw deal, and im not happy about it at all.

Prayer doesn't work, even in floods of tears begging on my knees, even curled up in the fetal position in emotional agony, if the Bible is true for others, why isn't it true for me?, is it even true at all?, I don't think I like either possibility anymore, true or not, this is unbearable, and even though im a sinner, that's how I was born, there's nothing I can do about it, despite trying everything I possibly could, and I don't know that I deserve it, regardless of what the Bible has to say at this point?.

But somewhere inside, deep in the core, I still want to believe, I still want to be a good Christian, I still want to follow Jesus, to hope in the goodness of God, trusting and believing in him, living a life that's pleasing to him, or at least acceptable, I want a relationship with a loving God who created me, and cares deeply enough about me to die for me, so I can live happily forever in a Garden paradise, but I can't help but wonder, was that all just a fairytale?, and if it's not, why am I forsaken?.

I just don't know what to believe, I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do, I don't know that there is any point at all regardless, im completely at a loss, but even so, I wish I was like job, sad, desparing, troubled, afflicted, feeling it's unfair, asking God why, but never cursing him, knowing he is good, even if I don't fully understand, trusting him, even if he were to slay me, but I don't know that I have what it takes to be so strong.

It's not easy, especially feeling so alone, and totally without help, pastors aren't interested in dealing with real problems, they are just not interested, and will not listen or respond at all, even by email, all they want is to earn a paycheck, and to spend their time at barbeques and sing alongs, while I suffer on my own in silence, out of sight, and out of mind.

Perhaps I could bear having no help from any living being anywhere in the world forever, if only God would help me, guide me, and strengthen me, as the Bible says he would, but I've never seen him, I've never heard his voice, in prayer or otherwise, and the same goes for all the host of angels under his command as well, heaven, if it really is anything more, than gassy balls of light somewhere in the sky, is completely silent, silent in everything, at all times, and no where to be found at all, ever.

I have no intelligence or strength to succeed or support myself, I live in a cruel world of endless lies, selfishness, suffering, sadness, and cruelty, and I have no help, no support, no guidance, even from the saviour?, the source of forgiveness and salvation?, or any of those under his command?, what on earth can I possibly do?, I just don't know anymore, I will try go cling to hope, I will try to hold on to what little I have left, for as long as I possibly can, but truthfully, if im being completely honest, it doesn't look good, it doesn't look good for me at all.
Wow, you really put effort into helping me to see that, thank you, I suppose I'll probably have to think on it awhile, before I can see it clearly, but I should note, I think such absolutism, though I was not intentionally aware of it, to quite the extent that you have revealed it to be, I feel it does accurately reflect my state of mind at that time, I feel a little more open now, a little more hopeful, but when I wrote my post, as far as I could tell, it was hopeless, completely undeniably hopeless, it was never going to change, and I was completely convinced of that fact, now though, who knows, only time will tell.

Additionally, the English language is pretty incredible, I really need to educate myself more, and perhaps that would be a good place to start, it's amazing that my mental state was so clearly reflected by my word choice, even though I wasn't aware of it in terms of absolutism, quite as you have pointed out, I would love to be able to see the written language like you can see, and be so conscious of mental states behind the writing, I think such knowledge and awareness would benefit me a great deal, in more ways than one, just another push for me in the direction of returning to further education I think.

P.S. you don't have to see this as an invitation, im sure you have a busy life, but I have to say, I am very curious as to how this reply of mine reads, also, im glad of your response, it's helpful and appreciated, but it may be a double edged sword for me, I'll likely never be able to look at my writing the same again after this lol, im going to be questioning how it comes off to people from now on, and interestingly, though I don't feel as bad about it now, look how clearly you saw me, in my writing, it's like you saw through, or perhaps more accurately, directly into me.

That is exactly the sort of perception I was talking about, that yourself and others have, and I do not, but thinking on it further, I don't think you could have given a better, more accurate, or more appropriate response, it's exactly what I needed, and exactly what I wanted, though I didn't know it yet, it unfortunately serves to prove at least part of the assessment in my initial post correct, but I am still glad you posted, and im still glad I read it.

It helped me to see things in a new way, opening up a little of my dense understanding, to the difference between myself and others, I don't know that everyone is as perceptive as you are, but it seems the difference between you all, from the level I am at myself, makes it almost irrelevant to compare anyway, you are all leaps and bounds ahead of me regardless, somehow, you have managed to answer all of my questions, without even answering my questions. lol, good job, I've never had a better answer in response to anything in my life, I can't be sure that such was fully intended on your part, though I suspect it largely was, it's just how much smarter you all are than I am, that you naturally function better, and are able to see things im so completely unaware of, that they might as well not even exist, im delighted by your response, if only I could be spoon fed like this much more often.

P.S. I have no idea what the people reading this response will be, or what they will think of it, but im aware it could seem a bit intense, or a bit much, but that's just me im afraid, and though I know that's the case, im still not sure what to make of it, what it makes me, or how it defines me, all I know for sure, is I really appreciated this response, and I meant every word I said, perhaps some won't get me, making them just as confused about me, as I am about them, it's possible, but I have a sneaking suspicion, most will see it clearly in a way I don't even comprehend, seeing the truth of what it means, whatever that is, even if I don't really understand it myself, people just see me clearer than I can, I don't even understand myself, nevermind anyone else, but anyway, this is the one time im actually going to thank "depression" for helping me, brilliant, thank you, lol. #yesimnuts #yesimcompletelyoutofmymind #notmuchicandoaboutit
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

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I am really impressed by your response to what I wrote. You made my day that I actually helped someone in a big way. Thank you so much for your kind words and I'm really glad that I was able to help you.
 
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