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It Could Be Just My Head *TW. Sexual Abuse*

Murasakibee

Murasakibee

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Aug 25, 2020
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Midwest USA
So recently everything that's gone on with my nieces (which is still ongoing and I'll explain in an update soon) have brought forth something that comes up once and awhile, which is I think I was sexually abused as a child.
Every time I pondered this,I quickly shoot it down as impossible but this time the feelings and suspicions are not going away.

I am not sure what to believe.

When I was 8 years old, my sister was married and had a baby and I loved babies, so I always was willing to go over. While during that time my parents were split up and things were stressful, my brother closest to my age was being sexually abused by his cub scout leader (idr what they are called) so my mom pulled him out and was arguing with the church to get the pervert removed,things were so stressful my brother chose to live with my dad. That caused more fights. I knew a lot about what was going on because my mom didn't believe in leaving me in the dark. I was also informed that my older four siblings were abused by our grandparents in the past, my sister who had the baby supposedly lied about being abused and she was just an attention seeker because the oldest 4 had been abused and she was so ignored. My mom supposedly feels bad and calls it sick sibling syndrome and says its her fault for ignoring her so much and that is why lied. I don't know what's true, that happened 10 year before I was born. But I do know, I have always been afraid to be like her, she is a compulsive liar and would get me in trouble, my family didnt like her and compared me to her when I was bad, I was afraid to be l like her.

Anyway I was bored, stressed and lonely and so I was always so willing to go to my sister's house to play with her baby, I honestly pretended they were my real family, my sister was my mom my brother in law was my dad and the baby was my little brother.
My brother in law played with me a lot, I enioyed it a lot, but at points the way he'd grab me thinking back it was inappropriate which is why I would yell stop and normally he would. I'm still piecing it all together. But instead if rambling nore I'll cut to the chase. One day, I ran into a porn dvd. I remember the cover in great detail, I found it while I was in his room playing, waiting for him to come capture me in our game and when he came in I asked what it was and he told me, in detail. I remember most of that incident in very clearly however, after the conversation, I don't remember a thing but, it's always felt like something bad happened.
As shamed as I am to say this, I started experimenting with other kids too right after that, consensually of course. I was very hyper sexual for years, yes sadly before puberty(though I started my period at the age of 10). Now I'm repulsed by sex of any sort. If I wasn't abused, I was at least impacted greatly by the incident.
It's something I go back and forth on. Like my emotional mind is convinced I was abused but my logical mind reminds me I have no proof, not even a memory
..although there is one other incident that might prove it happened which is when my sidter was divorcing him a few years later, I overheard my mom and other sister speaking and my other sister said "He was talking about making murasakibee his wife (wont and cant use my real name*" and my mom looked replused and said "she's 10! "
That was the first time I felt like I remembered him touching me, I felt at the time he did it a lot. But I quickly went to going with that it was impossible.
There have been several times after that I pondered it but I figured I was wrong. Or I wanted attention because my brother had been abused. I never once brought it up, this is all contemplations I have only had in my head.

Recently though i realized, I have kept all these concerns to myself and I keep going back over and over and really, who am I fooling? Who am I lying too? I am so convinced it happened yet I call my own self a liar. Maybe I'm paranoid or I imagined it. I have no physical memory of him doing it to me, just emotional. I try and try but it does feel like something is off.

Sorry if none of this made sense I'm nust trying to figure things out
 
UpnDwn1978

UpnDwn1978

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Jun 16, 2020
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Hi Murasakibe I'm sorry that you've had to go through those awful experiences. have you seen a therapist to talk about these experiences? Take care and best wishes.

M
 

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