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It’s pulling me in

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hairybanana

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Aug 18, 2021
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Location
Australia
Experiencing waves of depression today. Finding it a task to get much done. Still working away. But these thoughts are relentless. Everything ticking over, churning away, one thing after another. I know the cause of it, I know it’s sitting at the forefront of my mind and screaming for me to pay attention. I don’t want to right now. But it’s leaving me feeling… hopeless. Useless. Ashamed. Angry. A lot of anger. And a lot of sadness. It’s really hitting me. Its at the surface. I just want to put that back in a box, at least til I make it through this week.

There are so many things in life I’ve had to work through but it never stops. I wanted clarity and clear memories so i could make sense of myself, but with that clarity comes a lot of pain. The extent to which my mind has been fucked up really gets me down. When things like this come up, this fucking shit **** of a memory. And I hate you for it. A dark, burning, seething hatred is all I have for you. So fucking screwed up because of you. It all comes back to you. Even when I’m not expecting it to, it comes back to you and how much you fucked me up.
 
H

hairybanana

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So much of my life is about survival. Fighting and trying to keep myself alive. Its been a long and exhausting existence. I wish it wasn’t this hard. I wish i could deal with things better. I wish I didn’t feel so broken and depressed all the time
 
H

hairybanana

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Not a good day. Feel like I’m suffocating. How to describe it? My depression is a monster. A monster that has grown strong and tall, it towers over me. It never leaves me, it stalks me, stays close, so when I’m weak it can strike. Like a noose around my neck its grip tightens. The weaker I become the stronger it gets. It feeds off weakness. It takes everything I have to keep fighting. It’s draining. I’m tired. I want to be free from this monster.
 
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hairybanana

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And the hardest part of it all is maintaining the outward appearance that I’m a functioning and capable father. When all I want is to lie in bed. When all I feel is depressed. I talk and I smile and I play with my son but on the inside it feels like I’m dying a slow and agonising death. Im not present with any of it. And the guilt i feel over that is horrendous.
I know I have been a good father, i have given him everything I can possibly give. Its all that’s really mattered to me. He won’t have the life I have. He won’t have the issues I have. He won’t spend his life wishing he were dead.
But i feel so much guilt. I wish I could do better for him. I hope I’m doing a good job. I hope he grows into a happy and healthy person. I just hope my shit doesn’t become his shit. I’ve worked so hard to keep those things separate. Its just so hard. Feel so fucking depressed i just want to lie in bed today
 
wednesday addams

wednesday addams

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Aug 20, 2021
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Hi hairy, have you shared what happened to you with a professional?
 
B

BreathingDeeplyNow

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Two things of concern here:

1. There are things in your past that caused you pain. The mind brings back those memories and you experience the same pain again.
2. You don't like experiencing the pain, so you want to run away from it, or fight and win over it. But the more you try to run and fight, the more you fall into its trap.

I was suffering from the exact vicious circle a few years ago. Today, I am a totally different person.

First, I can assure you that you are doing way better than me... I couldn't even put an act in front of my 7-year old son... I was crying in front of him and he saw how depressed I was. I ran away from my family and stayed abroad for several months (including in Australia for 40 days, as a matter of fact) and blamed others for all my suffering.

What ultimately helped me was when I decided that I am going to give more importance to what I have going well for me right now and not let the past or the future steal the joy of the present.

My friend, if you are able to breathe well in this covid situation, if you have eyes that can see, and a mind that is clear enough to articulate how you feel and type in this forum, you have been blessed with all these and can be grateful for all of them.

I would recommend you to start following the teachings of Eckhart Tolle (who was in severe anxiety and suicidal depression until he was 30) or Thich Nhat Hanh. Their teachings have helped transform my anxiety and depression into fuel for getting myself out of a lot of suffering for myself and people around me.
 
Contramike

Contramike

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Jan 27, 2010
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397
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Colorado
And the hardest part of it all is maintaining the outward appearance that I’m a functioning and capable father. When all I want is to lie in bed. When all I feel is depressed. I talk and I smile and I play with my son but on the inside it feels like I’m dying a slow and agonising death. Im not present with any of it. And the guilt i feel over that is horrendous.
I know I have been a good father, i have given him everything I can possibly give. Its all that’s really mattered to me. He won’t have the life I have. He won’t have the issues I have. He won’t spend his life wishing he were dead.
But i feel so much guilt. I wish I could do better for him. I hope I’m doing a good job. I hope he grows into a happy and healthy person. I just hope my shit doesn’t become his shit. I’ve worked so hard to keep those things separate. Its just so hard. Feel so fucking depressed i just want to lie in bed today
But your concern for your son is what makes you a good father! You're doing everything you can to put him first is the sign of a loving, caring father!

Sometimes maybe take some time for yourself. You've probably heard this so many times it makes you sick, but think of the time you spend on yourself as an investment in your son. If the time you spend on yourself enables you to be a better father, it is to your benefit as well as your sons.
 
H

hairybanana

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 18, 2021
Messages
3,640
Location
Australia
Two things of concern here:

1. There are things in your past that caused you pain. The mind brings back those memories and you experience the same pain again.
2. You don't like experiencing the pain, so you want to run away from it, or fight and win over it. But the more you try to run and fight, the more you fall into its trap.

I was suffering from the exact vicious circle a few years ago. Today, I am a totally different person.

First, I can assure you that you are doing way better than me... I couldn't even put an act in front of my 7-year old son... I was crying in front of him and he saw how depressed I was. I ran away from my family and stayed abroad for several months (including in Australia for 40 days, as a matter of fact) and blamed others for all my suffering.

What ultimately helped me was when I decided that I am going to give more importance to what I have going well for me right now and not let the past or the future steal the joy of the present.

My friend, if you are able to breathe well in this covid situation, if you have eyes that can see, and a mind that is clear enough to articulate how you feel and type in this forum, you have been blessed with all these and can be grateful for all of them.

I would recommend you to start following the teachings of Eckhart Tolle (who was in severe anxiety and suicidal depression until he was 30) or Thich Nhat Hanh. Their teachings have helped transform my anxiety and depression into fuel for getting myself out of a lot of suffering for myself and people around me.
I can’t thank you enough for your response here, and thank you for sharing your experience with me. It is very nice to know you’ve been here and have gone through this with a child in the mix.

And look, I’m probably not as good at hiding it as I’d like to be. My son did give me one of his “well done” stickers the other day for taking a shower.

Thank you again for your response, I will reread it tomorrow when my brain is functioning better. And when I’m sober.
 
H

hairybanana

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 18, 2021
Messages
3,640
Location
Australia
But your concern for your son is what makes you a good father! You're doing everything you can to put him first is the sign of a loving, caring father!

Sometimes maybe take some time for yourself. You've probably heard this so many times it makes you sick, but think of the time you spend on yourself as an investment in your son. If the time you spend on yourself enables you to be a better father, it is to your benefit as well as your sons.
Yeah once he’s in bed it’s my time. Will relax then 👍 I do wish I had more time to myself though. I’ve always needed that time alone
 
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