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It’s not really about the food is it?

itsnotaboutthefood!

itsnotaboutthefood!

Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Uk
#1
New member, suffering from bulimia for 6 years... got the courage to seek help in May 2018... still waiting for proper help... have done some group sessions, i really didn’t feel understood there. 😢
Wrote this today as my head about to explode.

Don’t make me travel,
to make me unravel,
And then talk to me about food,
Dont give me a plate
And then make us rate
How much carbs and protein to use,
Don’t give me data
I’m just going to hate ya,
As my bulimia is not about food,
It IS about hunger,
I’m not getting younger
And I really don’t mean to be rude,
Let’s talk about trauma,
Let’s talk about stress,
Let’s talk about control,
But not eating less.
Let’s go with connection,
Let’s go with accepting,
Ok now I’m on a roll.
I’m starving inside,
But I’ve still got my pride,
But your group work is really dull,
Don’t patronise me,
And don’t agonise me,
just give me the help that I need,
I don’t want to be thin
Just to heal from within
So that what I am now is enough,
Don’t get our secrets,
And then never see us,
As that is proving to be quite tough,
Please now hurry,
The wait is a worry,
Just give me the help that I crave,
I’m so grateful for mates
They have helped me relate,
And have encouraged me to be brave.
I will always be grateful,
And will never be hateful
As they have given me a place to be,
The only person that I can do and that is simply me. ❤️❤️❤️
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
39,680
Location
Lancashire
#2
:welcome: to the forum. I think that is a powerful poem. its not about the food but it is about hunger, I think that is really good. Have you had any other help than the group sessions? It so hard with EDs as there is so little help available. have you ever been able to identify why you are bulimic? Forgive me asking questions, I just would like to know more about you. Take care :grouphug:
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
7,866
Location
England
#3
Hi,
Welcome to the forum
Well done for writing your poem.
Group therapy isn't for everyone, maybe one-to-one might be better if you can persuade your dr to refer you.
Hope you heal soon.
Here to listen anytime.
Take care
 
Chopsy

Chopsy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 10, 2016
Messages
1,729
Location
UK
#4
Hi 'itsnotabout the food' & Welcome to the M.H.forum :)

i read your poem with interest:grouphug:

hope you receive the 'proper help' you are waiting for :hug1:
 
itsnotaboutthefood!

itsnotaboutthefood!

Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Uk
#5
:welcome: to the forum. I think that is a powerful poem. its not about the food but it is about hunger, I think that is really good. Have you had any other help than the group sessions? It so hard with EDs as there is so little help available. have you ever been able to identify why you are bulimic? Forgive me asking questions, I just would like to know more about you. Take care :grouphug:
Thank you, no I haven’t had any other help yet, I’m on a waiting list for CBT, been 7 months now. I have great friends though which helps.
I have lots of things from my past which could easily have triggered the eating disorder. In my head it’s about being thin, but I know there is more to it than that.
I have had past trauma/ rape at the age of 16.... was in herion shortly after.... suffered domestic violence. Finally got clean by the time I was 18.
My father and alcoholic and my Mum chronically ill. I had a tough time with my first baby she was born weighing 1.12lb due to placenta Previa.. we nearly lost her but she is doing ok now.
My father than passed away as fell down the stairs drunk and knocked his head 😢 ......I could go on.... so I realise I have a lot that maybe I need to deal with.
Anyway thanks for taking time to message me. I appreciate it, how about you? X
 
itsnotaboutthefood!

itsnotaboutthefood!

Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Uk
#6
Hi,
Welcome to the forum
Well done for writing your poem.
Group therapy isn't for everyone, maybe one-to-one might be better if you can persuade your dr to refer you.
Hope you heal soon.
Here to listen anytime.
Take care
Thanks very much, no group therapy not really my bag.... and surprising they were talking about what food is healthy.... hmm I know all that, I don’t feel bulimia is really about that.
I am on a waiting list for CBT, waiting 7 months so far. I’m hoping that will help. Thanks for taking time to message me.
Hope you’re doing ok?
 
itsnotaboutthefood!

itsnotaboutthefood!

Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Uk
#7
Hi 'itsnotabout the food' & Welcome to the M.H.forum :)

i read your poem with interest:grouphug:

hope you receive the 'proper help' you are waiting for :hug1:
Thanks for your message, I’m hoping I get the CBT soon, I just want to be free of the ED! Hope you are doing ok?
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
39,680
Location
Lancashire
#8
Thank you for asking, i'm actually doing fine at the moment. Stressed at times but who isn't.

You have had a lot to deal with which was out of your control, so the ED is one thing you can control, how much and when you eat. Do you think its a control thing? I suspect you have a lot of unspoken feelings which are juggling around in your mind and not got a real outlet for. Anger at dad but in a way mother as well for being ill (may not sound fair but we still sometimes feel this). Raped at 16 - that is a terrible thing to cope with and speaking as a rape survivor myself, I appreciate that it takes years to come to terms with. I was lucky that I had a wonderful husband (now dead) who guided me through the worst of it. I am pleased you have friends to reach out to you.
 
itsnotaboutthefood!

itsnotaboutthefood!

Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Uk
#9
Thank you for asking, i'm actually doing fine at the moment. Stressed at times but who isn't.

You have had a lot to deal with which was out of your control, so the ED is one thing you can control, how much and when you eat. Do you think its a control thing? I suspect you have a lot of unspoken feelings which are juggling around in your mind and not got a real outlet for. Anger at dad but in a way mother as well for being ill (may not sound fair but we still sometimes feel this). Raped at 16 - that is a terrible thing to cope with and speaking as a rape survivor myself, I appreciate that it takes years to come to terms with. I was lucky that I had a wonderful husband (now dead) who guided me through the worst of it. I am pleased you have friends to reach out to you.
It probably is to do with control, but I need some professional help to find out really. Something just seems to take over me and I’m not sure what triggers it. Sorry to hear about your husband, it must have been just awful to lose him.
Can I ask if you don’t mind, did you receive any counselling for the rape? If so did it help... I’m worried I will open a can of worms if I start going into all that. X
 
Chopsy

Chopsy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 10, 2016
Messages
1,729
Location
UK
#10
Thanks for your message, I’m hoping I get the CBT soon, I just want to be free of the ED! Hope you are doing ok?
Hope the CBT is a success & you get free of the ED :hug:

i am well thanks, busy & productive just now, which is a nice break from 'shutdown' mode. i'm getting on with putting my home [my bungalow & garden] in order, putting everything in it's 'right' place :)
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
39,680
Location
Lancashire
#11
It probably is to do with control, but I need some professional help to find out really. Something just seems to take over me and I’m not sure what triggers it. Sorry to hear about your husband, it must have been just awful to lose him.
Can I ask if you don’t mind, did you receive any counselling for the rape? If so did it help... I’m worried I will open a can of worms if I start going into all that. X
I went to rape Crisis and they were brilliant. They helped me realise that it was not my fault under any circumstances and I went through it all in detail and it helped me immeasurably. It was frightening - as you say, opening a can of worms - but I was so much more at peace afterwards. But the effects didn't go away totally, it took time and the help of my husband who was very deeply understanding. Sex was a problem for a while, but I eventually realised that it wasn't all men, just the one, and that helped too. Does that help?
 
itsnotaboutthefood!

itsnotaboutthefood!

Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2019
Messages
8
Location
Uk
#12
Yes...
I went to rape Crisis and they were brilliant. They helped me realise that it was not my fault under any circumstances and I went through it all in detail and it helped me immeasurably. It was frightening - as you say, opening a can of worms - but I was so much more at peace afterwards. But the effects didn't go away totally, it took time and the help of my husband who was very deeply understanding. Sex was a problem for a while, but I eventually realised that it wasn't all men, just the one, and that helped too. Does that help?
Yes that has actually, made me a bit teary.... if you knew me that’s a rarity!
Thanks so much.
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
39,680
Location
Lancashire
#13
Would it be an idea to start with one thing, like the rape, and work your way through all your problems slowly and see if that helps in the long run with the bulimia? It sounds to me like the bulimia is a symptom of other problems.