It’s been exactly six years since my mom died....

K

khuang

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#1
I know today will be difficult for me because it is the day my mom died in the hospital after a year and a half battle with stage four inoperable lung cancer a couple of days before I was supposed to fly out and visit her. Losing her was hard but I was actually okay with it as I had plenty of time to accept the fact that she didn’t have much longer to live. What is difficult for me is what happened the following week and the year afterwards.

There was a guy a few years younger than me who I will call Calvin (not his real name) that I thought was my friend. I first met him at the mall outside of GameStop in February 2011. I was physically attacked by the woman who helped my dad raise me six days before Christmas 2010 and I was terrified of going out in public out of the fear that I would “accidentally” run into her and she would do something horrible to me either passive aggressively or follow me home where she could hurt me without any witnesses. Calvin was the first person that I actually felt comfortable talking to that wasn’t my dad or his employee at the time or a caseworker or therapist. I told him all about the woman and how I was afraid she would find a way to attack me again and all of the horrible things she said to me constantly and made me believe. He told me none of it was true and before I met him, I was always socially awkward due to having Asperger’s disorder. Calvin helped me feel comfortable about talking to other people and I was slowly becoming more social and actually making friends. He also showed me that it was okay for me to like the things that I like and that I shouldn’t have to feel ashamed about it. He also motivated me to keep my apartment clean and made me feel “normal” for once in my life. When I found out about my mom’s illness, he understood and was supportive for me. He also knew that I was afraid that people would abandon me as soon as they get to know me. He promised that he’d never do that but he did.

There’d be times where he’d get into this mood and he wouldn’t leave his room for awhile. This usually would last a few days up to a few weeks but then he’d be happy to talk to me. I gave him space when he got like this. This time it was about six months and he didn’t talk to me until my mom died. I told him and he said nothing so I just left him alone and went back to my apartment. A week later I saw him outside and I said hi to him and he angrily said to me, “If you want to live, you’ll walk away now!” This shocked me as he never talked like this before but I left him alone never once thinking this would literally be the last time he would ever talk to me. Six months went by and I asked his grandma why he refused to talk to me and she said that she didn’t know. He then started to acknowledge my existence. I soon fell into an extreme depression and stopped cleaning because I thought it was pointless since Calvin was the only one to ever visit me and if he was never going to visit me again then why waste so much time and energy into cleaning if no one would ever see the effort I made? I kept crying and blaming myself for him hating me. A year later I ended up being evicted because I was too depressed to clean and no one understood that I was having a very serious depression situation.

To this day it still hurts to know that Calvin hates me and broke his promise to me especially after the fact this was when I needed him the most. I still blame myself and often wonder what I did to make him hate me so much? I also ended up regressing socially and now am terrified to let others get to know me. I want friends but I’m too afraid to even try now. It hurts so much every day and today is when it hurts the most. Losing Calvin as a friend hurled me so much more than losing my mom. She divorced my dad when I was little and I stayed with him growing up. I also had time to say goodbye to her and accept that she was dying and that I would lose her again. Nothing ever prepared me for losing Calvin. Or the thought that I somehow made him hate me and that he hated me because I ruined his life somehow just like how the woman who attacked me claimed that I was ruining hers and would always ruin the lives of anyone who comes into contact with me.
 
calypso

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#2
I would feel the same way if all that happened to me. He doesn't hate you, he has massive issues himself which he isn't dealing with very well. You say he would stay in his residence for days or weeks at a time. Sounds like severe depression or something else which is serious. I don't think you caused this at all.

You made a few friends when you were feeling more sociable? Can you talk to any of them? What did you do with him that you can't do on your own? Just interested. I think from the sound of it he was trying to warn you off getting more hurt by him by him staying with you.

Hang on in there and don't let it get you down too much. Do you think you could meet another person who would help you? After all you talked with him initially so you could do that again couldn't you?
 
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khuang

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#4
There is one person I’ve allowed to get to know me. Only thing is he lives quite a distance from me and I can’t see him often. The thing is there are so many resources and so much support out there to help with preparing and grieving a loved one’s death but nothing to prepare you for losing a friendship.
 
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khuang

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#5
You made a few friends when you were feeling more sociable? Can you talk to any of them? What did you do with him that you can't do on your own? Just interested. I think from the sound of it he was trying to warn you off getting more hurt by him by him staying with you.
I shut myself in my apartment and stopped associating with our mutual friends. I just couldn’t be around them without constant reminders of Calvin. I saw one around 2017 and he talked to me briefly but I made the conversation short and walked away quickly before I could have an emotional breakdown in the middle of the mall. It hurt knowing that this person was a mutual friend. Then I saw his uncle working at a local dollar store which also hurt. I was okay but as soon as he asked me if I remembered him and said he was Calvin’s uncle, I began shutting down mentally and I quickly grabbed my purchase and left before I had a meltdown. I now feel uneasy if I go into that store especially if he’s working when I walk in.
 
Fairy Lucretia

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#6
im sorry for the loss of your mummy x I lost mine almost 4 years ago
was the toughest time I my life so far
you are welcome to PM me if you want to talk about your grief
love Lu xxx
 
calypso

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#7
I wish I could say things will get easier but they might not for the immediate future. Have you thought about therapy for your social anxiety? It might be an idea to try that and see if they can help in any way. I know, you have probably thought of that already and don't want to do it, but I had to ask.

Its awful that you bump into reminders of Calvin everywhere. And also not knowing why he did what he did. Its all a mystery. When a relationship breaks up, you go through a mini grief and it hurts.
 

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