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Issues being an Only Child

J

JacksonA88

New member
Joined
Oct 1, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Texas
Hi all, I am a brand new member. I'm going to use thus thread to share my background and current/past struggles, for I am trying a new way of seeking help, by posting on a forum for the first time. I will word this as best as i can. Thank you in advance for listening.

I am an only child, first off. I am 21 years old and I am a senior in college. I played 3 years of college football and I am also very into music, sports, and several other random hobbies, as well as play bass guitar in a band.

I struggle with anxiety and depression. I usually internalize it and then randomly spill everything out randomly to my friends, usually never my parents/family. I am an only child, and my parents are extremely, and i mean extremely, overbearing at times, more often than not. They are helicopter parents and sometimes they even laugh and joke about it, and yet expect me to somehow accept it and tell myself it's because they "want the best for me".

As stated above, i played 3 years of college football. This year would've been year 4, but I hadn't loved the game for a long time, practically forcing myself to stay in it for over 2 years because i was afraid to tell my family. (My family has a rich background playing in college sports). About halfway through this past summer, I reached a breaking point where I couldn't even bear the thought of it anymore, and I told my parents that I simply did not love the game anymore, and was ready to step down from football. Their response shocked me. My dad became extremely angry, (he has an extreme temper and has lashed out at me countless times when i was young and older). My dads response was "you think it's just too hard" as well as "i didn't raise a fu**ing p*ssy". He said that. My mom tried telling me how it was good for me and why she thinks i'm making the wrong decision, etc. I basically got bombarded by them after I told them how i was feeling. That's how it usually goes. This very event was what lead to them becoming aware of my personal mental health concerns.

I have always been afraid of opening up to my parents because of how they act. I never have a say in anything, and everything I do is based off of their approval, still to this day. Since I don't really tell them much, and usually just simply lie (lying is extremely easy for me, because i constantly do that to keep them off my back). Me telling them I did not want to play football was really the first time I really opened up about my personal well-being issues. Since they were so angry, I spilled out all of my depressive thoughts I had been hiding from them for years. I did this to help them understand how much of a toll football was taking on my mind.

They seemed to have "understood" but seemed to have just rather forgotten about the entire situation instead of sitting me down and having a heart-to-heart. They apologized and told me they had no idea I was feeling that way. My mother told me to see a therapist, which I have been seeing one, but feel like it's been unproductive. This has been just 1 example of how they act.

When I was little, around 7 or 8, my dad locked me outside during a storm and pickup our dog's feces with my hands. My dad was yelling so loudly, my mom thought our neighbors were going to call Child protective services. If i ever oppose their input, disagree or tell them that they are wrong, all hell breaks loose. My dad puts money in my bank account without me ever asking, and then tries to use that against me (i already have a part time job). My mother will buy me random nice things that i never wanted or asked for, and then uses that against me whenever she gets upset with me.

I lived at home over the summer, and while my parents would be at work, they would text me numerous times to wake up on their command, along with a list of daily tasks to do. If i forgot 1 thing on this list...once again, all hell would break loose and suddenly i am irresponsible, forgetful, and careless. These tasks would often involve doing the dishes, cleaning pool, cleaning the house, etc. Every day. I kid you not, I would wake up to at least 3 texts from each of them. These long paragraph text messages about things i need to do for them and how they expect me to have it all done by the time they got home. Not that it was hard, but if i forgot 1 thing while everything else was done, the atmosphere at home would be nothing but my father yelling at me, and making me feel horrible over something like doing the dishes. They often bring up past mistakes i've done and try to bring up previous events to make me feel worse.

When I was younger, up to around middle school and had my first cell phone, they would call me and make me come home to do chores they did not ask me to do before I left the house once I got home from school. My mom would pick me up and take me home, let me leave, and then either my mom or dad would call at a random time to come back home and complete chores before I could go back outside with my friends, which made me extremely uncomfortable for some reason. It also made my friends think my parents were crazy, and they'd often ask me about it.

Now I am here. I am 21 years old, and not much has changed. They become judgmental if i tell them I made a C on an exam for a hard class. My mom has her PHD, and my dad has been successful in computer software sales, they make plenty of money, actually quiet a lot. So anything short of what THEY expect and want from me is unacceptable, and instead of trying to help me or support me to do better, they just tell me that it's not good enough and only grades matter. The fact is, i have a 3.2 GPA at one of the most academically prestigious and competitive schools in all of Texas. Not because of my parents standards, but because of me wanting to shut them up.

I have been to counseling before, been on 3 different antidepressants, and recently been trying therapy. I have a very large social circle. I am in a fraternity, I have my friends back home, my former football teammates, and plenty of friends. But for some reason I find myself always isolated in my room, can't fall asleep at normal times (I haven't gone to bed before 2am all semester), and i cannot wake up either. I haven't started my senior year off in the best way and I feel like my depression is just getting worse. I have drawn out on paper and illustrated exactly how I would end my life, and quiet frankly, it's on my mind a lot. I know exactly how i would do it, im just too caught up in how it would affect everyone around me. A part of me thinks it would be good, to teach my parents a lesson. At times, I feel disconnected from them, and despise being in their presence. I get very uneasy and uncomfortable when i am home for a weekend, whenever I decide to come home to see friends outside of college.

I always feel like I am being judged, even when I am not. I individually text several of my friends seeking their approval of things i buy, like, or want. I feel like I am viewed as 'weird' and not confident at times. Sometimes when I am alone, I just get teary-eyed and cry for no reason, despite me being a tall, athletic, good looking, and "popular" person. I have harmed myself in the past, and often fight the urge to begin the habit again. The most recent time I harmed myself was last fall, after I knew I had failed an economics test. I injured my knuckles in my car, then walked back to my dorm.


I am sorry for making this so long, I just want to get my entire background out there, because I need help. I feel like I lose a little part of myself every day if I am being honest. I am really good at pretending to be happy around my friends, they distract me from my negative thoughts. Is this my fault? Why are my parents treating me like this? I just want to understand. Thank you for listening.

Jackson Anderson
 
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SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
2,270
Location
USA
Hi there. I wanted to bump this thread up.Hopefully someone will come along and respond.

Welcome btw.Im sorry you joined and took the time to write a long post and no one responded. I'm sure it was just overlooked

Hugs
 
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