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Isolated, Hyper And Suicidal

Zardos

Zardos

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Joined
May 30, 2013
Messages
3,256
I'm in a bad way.. I've slowly become isolated and I just can't cope with it anymore... is this what its like for old folks at Christmas ? How do they cope ? Isolation is a killer.. I'm not eating.. Sleeping.. And I'm out of pills.. I don't know what to do.........

I don't really want to die... but I'm beginning to think that's the only way out.. The only choice... a way out.
 
Koi1971

Koi1971

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Joined
Jun 7, 2020
Messages
56
Location
Casper Wyoming
If you don't want to die, then you still have hope, and by posting, you are showing courage, you're not alone, and hey it's Tuesday, celebrate almost mid week.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Zardos

Zardos

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2013
Messages
3,256
Thanks for the replies guys.. I've been thinking of calling the Samaritans all day.. But I don't feel....'worthy' somehow.. I'm bad at talking to people face to face or over the phone.. Trouble is with e-mail it takes them 24 hours to get back to you.. So I don't know what to do... the only good news is theres nothing really to kill myself with.. I don't get my prescription untill tomorrow... and even then I don't think theres enough to do me in... I'm a coward anyway... I just want to pass away peacefully in my sleep... I've seen enough now.. All the 'good' times are behind me.. All I have ahead of me is more isolation and pain...

I have a myriad of physical health problems to the point where I count the days as 'pain' and 'pain free' days... I'm hooked on painkillers again... but the pain still gets through... I've been binge watching the Bjork stalker.. Ricardo Lopez video that Count Dankula did... runs for about an hour.. Over which time you can watch a man slowly unwind and finally snap.. poor bastard. But I can really relate... another peace of good news is I don't want to take anybody with me... I've never understood why people do that.. I mean if its your time to go then maybe going is the right thing to do.. But why drag some other poor sod into it.. whats God going to say if I show up at the pearly gates with a couple of innocent people I've just murdered in tow... I can't see him letting me in somehow..

all I'm doing is waiting to die now... and my 'nearest' and 'dearest' seem to be okay with letting me do that alone... i'm worried about being made homeless.. I have nowhere to go if that happens.. No one to take me in.. No safety net......

how did I get here ? And now how do I make it stop ? All the ways I can see this ending are bad... cancer, heart attack, house fire... I've always resisted researching ways to kill yourself.. But now I'm thinking maybe its something I should look into.. I just want something painless and peaceful... better I do myself than wait it out... there is nothing 'good' left in my life.. I'm going round in ever decreasing circles.. Circling the drain...

I'm giving up on eating tonight.. So the next issue at hand is going to sleep which is a really tricky business these days.. I have to time it just right if I want to get any sleep at all... got to be up early to get my prescription........... I think one more watch of Ricardo Lopez's end and another small bottle of Coke.. A few more fags.. Its tricky winding down............. fantasy creeps in and then I'm buggered.. Hours could go by and I mite not even notice.. Again I wonder if that's something old people do... I really should talk to somebody about my fantasy life... it has destroyed me !
 
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