• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Is what I have depression or something else? I'm a little confused

R

raining again

New member
Joined
Feb 12, 2010
Messages
2
Hey, everyone.

Well, here's the deal... in 2003 or so I started experiencing progressing muscle weakness and twitching which went on for years but eventually ended (but did not reverse itself, so I'm left in a reduced state, very heavy and clumsy and unable to do many things requiring precision).

Went through a billion tests, never got a diagnosis.

This had me so sad and worried that I dropped out of school and was soon on welfare, still living at home (I was about 21 years old or so).

Anyway, I felt really down and afraid for several years, I never got out of it.
I still live at home and have not gotten one step further in life.

So since 2003, you could count my happy days on one hand, I've literally not experienced any true joy in any of the time since, and I've felt lost and absolutely hopeless every day.

Lost all my friends quickly, lost interest in them. Haven't spoken to a real life friend more than maybe 10-15 times in all those years.

I spent all day, every day, in front of my computer, just trying to kill time. Much of the time reading about suicide and methods as this somehow seems to lift my spirits a little bit.

Also started smoking hash and getting 'high' on various prescription drugs such as tramadol and ritalin.

I shower about once a week, and only because I live at home with people getting annoyed by the smell.
I've also not cared at all about my appearance for many years, haven't cut my hair in over a year and I never buy new clothes, etc.

I also don't take pleasure in food, I don't have much of an appetite.
However, for the last 8 or so years, I've been drinking at least 1.5 litres of Cola every day.

I also smoke a little more than a pack a day.

What has me confused is when I stop and try to examine what I feel - I don't really feel *that* depressed, in what I understand depression to be.
I feel... nothing. It's hard to explain, but I just don't feel that sad a lot of the time. But I'm *never* happy or excited about anything, either.

This started after I had been very sad for a few years after my health issues started. At some point, the sadness somehow transformed into not feeling anything anymore.

I can also get aroused by watching pornography, so I have not lost my sex drive.

Finally, I fall asleep pretty quickly when going to bed, but I often spend hours in bed when waking up since I have no motivation to get out.

Even though I spend most of my time feeling nothing, it takes very little to make me very sad. For instance, years and years ago, before any of this started, I would never cry while watching movies. Now, it takes close to nothing. A sad movie will have me in tears, long after the movie is over.
And it's the same with music... if I start listening to sad music, the sadness comes right back to the surface and it's so sudden and overwhelming that I start crying my eyes out.
But the next day, or some hours later... it's usually back to nothing again.

Oh and I'm a 28 year old male, btw. Don't know if that matters. I've also always had extremely low self esteem (never dated, never kissed, etc).

Anyway, this has me a bit puzzled, I'm not sure how to describe whatever it is I have.
 
T

TimThompson

Member
Joined
Feb 11, 2010
Messages
6
Hi. I'm "trying to figure out whats wrong" too.
Have looked up negative schizophrenia?
Symptoms here.
http://sabryabdelfattah.tripod.com/docs/NGSCZ.HTML

If you don't feel that the above is you, maybe take a look at the thread I made titles "advice...". The second post has what progress I have made sumarized, which in some ways may resemble your situation.

Good luck.

Tim
 
R

raining again

New member
Joined
Feb 12, 2010
Messages
2
Thank you for the reply! I'll look into that.
 
SimonB

SimonB

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
938
Location
United Kingdom
Hi there

Hi

Can see you have a long history and I just wish you had more support! The stuff yuou describe could be a number of things. I have a depressive disorder which is not fully diagnosed, but I can move through from moderate to severe phases, in the severe episodes I often feel emotionless almost numb devoid of any feeling including sadness and a desire to cry.

I looked up Tims web page and if I remember my training negative schitzophrenia is quite rare.

Being ill can take its toll on you, are you known to your CMHT? Can you self refer or is your GP ok?


Simon
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
T Is this the depression talking or am I onto something? Depression Forum 16
Z Is this depression? Depression Forum 7
P Helping/supporting my girlfriend who has depression Depression Forum 3
N Do i have depression or just dramatic Depression Forum 3
S anxiety and depression, does it ever end?? Depression Forum 5
whyme88 Anxiety leading to depression? Depression Forum 7
midnightphoenix Depression Depression Forum 1
F My Partner with depression Depression Forum 18
D Think my dad has depression (advice needed) Depression Forum 6
L Partner with depression Depression Forum 13
Supermansgirlfriend Depression hits again.. Depression Forum 10
W My Partner Suffers from Depression & Anxiety Depression Forum 6
DistantOcean Advice for people with depression Depression Forum 7
M 11 years of depression improperly treated by incompetents. 3 suicide attempts. PLEASE HELP!!! Depression Forum 6
D Not being able to meet girls. Worsening my depression. Depression Forum 15
Fairy Lucretia people that don't understand MI /depression Depression Forum 15
Desire less Depression translated Depression Forum 4
LostNorthernStar Physical Symptoms of Depression & Anxiety? Depression Forum 10
D Physically and mentally paralyzed by depression Depression Forum 7
Jewellady5 Depression Depression Forum 8
Z Depression? Depression Forum 4
A What is your bigger struggle, depression or anxiety? Depression Forum 53
B Medicine (pills) lead to Depression, seeking general guidance without specifics Depression Forum 1
R depression from sleep disorders/difficulty Depression Forum 4
R How do you cope with major depression Depression Forum 1
inicornus Talking to parents / friends about your depression Depression Forum 19
N Severe depression Depression Forum 14
Desire less Why it's so hard to get out of long-term depression!!! Depression Forum 4
Z Depression is destroying my life Depression Forum 16
MeAndMyDepression What ONE symptom of depression bothers you the most? Depression Forum 12
H How do I support someone with depression? Depression Forum 16
L Managing depression Depression Forum 13
E Does depression make you say things you don’t mean to the people closest to you? Depression Forum 6
J Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy to treat treatment resistant depression Depression Forum 2
A Depression from the last year ruined my marriage. Depression Forum 5
W No job, no joy, nothing. Depression is killing me. Depression Forum 15
L Depression from grief and blame. Depression Forum 4
T Depression from Sleep Disorders/Difficulties Depression Forum 3
M Tired of fighting depression. Depression Forum 5
L Male postpartum depression Depression Forum 1
M Depression due loneliness, anyone else ? Depression Forum 25
U Rapidly developing depression symptoms Depression Forum 2
M Discussing my depression with SO Depression Forum 5
starfoxxy90 Greif and Loss with depression.. Depression Forum 2
S Help! My partners depression effect our family Depression Forum 6
MeAndMyDepression Cognitive distortions and depression Depression Forum 1
D Why do I seemingly not want to get better? Loneliness, failing university, depression, severe anxiety, and not doing anything about it Depression Forum 7
P Numb Emotions and Not Feeling Love Because of Depression Depression Forum 4
MeAndMyDepression Who has concentration/memory problems because of depression? Depression Forum 5
MeAndMyDepression Do you know people who are jealous of your depression? Depression Forum 3

Similar threads

Top