R
raining again
New member
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2010
- Messages
- 2
Hey, everyone.
Well, here's the deal... in 2003 or so I started experiencing progressing muscle weakness and twitching which went on for years but eventually ended (but did not reverse itself, so I'm left in a reduced state, very heavy and clumsy and unable to do many things requiring precision).
Went through a billion tests, never got a diagnosis.
This had me so sad and worried that I dropped out of school and was soon on welfare, still living at home (I was about 21 years old or so).
Anyway, I felt really down and afraid for several years, I never got out of it.
I still live at home and have not gotten one step further in life.
So since 2003, you could count my happy days on one hand, I've literally not experienced any true joy in any of the time since, and I've felt lost and absolutely hopeless every day.
Lost all my friends quickly, lost interest in them. Haven't spoken to a real life friend more than maybe 10-15 times in all those years.
I spent all day, every day, in front of my computer, just trying to kill time. Much of the time reading about suicide and methods as this somehow seems to lift my spirits a little bit.
Also started smoking hash and getting 'high' on various prescription drugs such as tramadol and ritalin.
I shower about once a week, and only because I live at home with people getting annoyed by the smell.
I've also not cared at all about my appearance for many years, haven't cut my hair in over a year and I never buy new clothes, etc.
I also don't take pleasure in food, I don't have much of an appetite.
However, for the last 8 or so years, I've been drinking at least 1.5 litres of Cola every day.
I also smoke a little more than a pack a day.
What has me confused is when I stop and try to examine what I feel - I don't really feel *that* depressed, in what I understand depression to be.
I feel... nothing. It's hard to explain, but I just don't feel that sad a lot of the time. But I'm *never* happy or excited about anything, either.
This started after I had been very sad for a few years after my health issues started. At some point, the sadness somehow transformed into not feeling anything anymore.
I can also get aroused by watching pornography, so I have not lost my sex drive.
Finally, I fall asleep pretty quickly when going to bed, but I often spend hours in bed when waking up since I have no motivation to get out.
Even though I spend most of my time feeling nothing, it takes very little to make me very sad. For instance, years and years ago, before any of this started, I would never cry while watching movies. Now, it takes close to nothing. A sad movie will have me in tears, long after the movie is over.
And it's the same with music... if I start listening to sad music, the sadness comes right back to the surface and it's so sudden and overwhelming that I start crying my eyes out.
But the next day, or some hours later... it's usually back to nothing again.
Oh and I'm a 28 year old male, btw. Don't know if that matters. I've also always had extremely low self esteem (never dated, never kissed, etc).
Anyway, this has me a bit puzzled, I'm not sure how to describe whatever it is I have.
Well, here's the deal... in 2003 or so I started experiencing progressing muscle weakness and twitching which went on for years but eventually ended (but did not reverse itself, so I'm left in a reduced state, very heavy and clumsy and unable to do many things requiring precision).
Went through a billion tests, never got a diagnosis.
This had me so sad and worried that I dropped out of school and was soon on welfare, still living at home (I was about 21 years old or so).
Anyway, I felt really down and afraid for several years, I never got out of it.
I still live at home and have not gotten one step further in life.
So since 2003, you could count my happy days on one hand, I've literally not experienced any true joy in any of the time since, and I've felt lost and absolutely hopeless every day.
Lost all my friends quickly, lost interest in them. Haven't spoken to a real life friend more than maybe 10-15 times in all those years.
I spent all day, every day, in front of my computer, just trying to kill time. Much of the time reading about suicide and methods as this somehow seems to lift my spirits a little bit.
Also started smoking hash and getting 'high' on various prescription drugs such as tramadol and ritalin.
I shower about once a week, and only because I live at home with people getting annoyed by the smell.
I've also not cared at all about my appearance for many years, haven't cut my hair in over a year and I never buy new clothes, etc.
I also don't take pleasure in food, I don't have much of an appetite.
However, for the last 8 or so years, I've been drinking at least 1.5 litres of Cola every day.
I also smoke a little more than a pack a day.
What has me confused is when I stop and try to examine what I feel - I don't really feel *that* depressed, in what I understand depression to be.
I feel... nothing. It's hard to explain, but I just don't feel that sad a lot of the time. But I'm *never* happy or excited about anything, either.
This started after I had been very sad for a few years after my health issues started. At some point, the sadness somehow transformed into not feeling anything anymore.
I can also get aroused by watching pornography, so I have not lost my sex drive.
Finally, I fall asleep pretty quickly when going to bed, but I often spend hours in bed when waking up since I have no motivation to get out.
Even though I spend most of my time feeling nothing, it takes very little to make me very sad. For instance, years and years ago, before any of this started, I would never cry while watching movies. Now, it takes close to nothing. A sad movie will have me in tears, long after the movie is over.
And it's the same with music... if I start listening to sad music, the sadness comes right back to the surface and it's so sudden and overwhelming that I start crying my eyes out.
But the next day, or some hours later... it's usually back to nothing again.
Oh and I'm a 28 year old male, btw. Don't know if that matters. I've also always had extremely low self esteem (never dated, never kissed, etc).
Anyway, this has me a bit puzzled, I'm not sure how to describe whatever it is I have.
