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Is this the end of a 27 year relationship?

S

so sad

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Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
245
I think the answer is yes
:'(


For a few weeks now things haven't been right. It started when she went mental at me over a misunderstanding (I threw away an old dish on what I thought was on her order but she told me I was stupid). She told me she had been planning her 'escape route', knew what furniture etc she was taking. She'd had enough of me and told me 3 times that she didn't love me. I cried (which made me so angry) and said i didn't know what to do to be the person she could love. She calmed down a bit, said that it all might be due to lockdown etc.

Things have been strained since with the odd row where similar things were said.

I was away last week with my family and I knew that once I was back she would find something to kick off about - I was bang on. Sunday morning, she couldn't find the tape measure, my fault apparently. We were then measuring the walls in a room and she tried to skip the corners. I tried to explain that would mean we would be short and she lost it, telling me I was trying to control her and we always had to do things my way.

Left her to it and we spent the day apart, me in the garden, her in the house. When I decided to go in, I noticed that she'd left a half-empty glass out as well as some gardening stuff. I put it away and brought the glass in. Big mistake - she screamed in my face, saying how dare I move her glass and wheelbarrow, me trying to control her life. She said we would live separate lives from now on. I almost laughed at her but thought better off it.

So I think we're at the end. I went to my parents for tea after all of this and told them that I thought it was time we went our separate ways. I have never spoken to them about her before because she will not acknowledge me as her partner, saying she isn't gay so why would she. I cried (I never cry in front of them) but more out of anger than anything.

I've arranged to speak to Relate for some advice.

I feel so sad. In the past, she has had all of the power. She used the fact that we both knew I couldn't manage on my own but now I know I could. If anything, she will struggle because she has always allowed me to sort out insurances etc, anything to do with the house. Now she is saying I've done that to control her. She has never wanted to do it. She has a lot to learn. She has always been very dominating - things are her way or no way.

I want her to use her 'escape plan' and leave. We'd have to get the house valued and I would have to take out a mortgage to pay her out and that really worries me as it would really push my finances to the limit.

I don't know how to cope with this. I want to self harm, I want to take some control of things.

Sorry for the long post - didn't know where else to turn

Mx
 
P

Purpleplum

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Feb 7, 2020
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So maybe you two need some time apart to think things over. Maybe could seek couples counseling.

If she is unwilling to work on things, then it is probably best to find someone that is a better match.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Hi Mx I’m so sorry that your relationship seems to be ending. It sounds like there has been a lot of frustration, insecurity and unhappiness for quite some time now and that maybe ending things is for the better. I hope that you are able to have supports through the separation. We are certainly here for you. xo, j
 
C

celticlass

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May 7, 2011
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Location
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Very sorry to hear your story. Clearly I don't know much about you or your partner. I do think - and with bitter experience under my belt - that she should leave if she does not want to continue in the relationship. Maybe you need to take some legal advice regarding the home you both share and what a separation will mean for you both? I was the one to leave the marital home when I knew I could not go on in the relationship. There were children to consider but once it got to a point that he was spitting in my.face I found other accommodation for self and kids when they would be with me. Many times I have regretted that move for myself if not for the children. That house would have done me all the years I was bringing up the family and left me more financially secure than I am now. But regardless your health, safety and peace of mind counts for a lot and you need to factor that out when making choices. The forum will hopefully act as a good sounding board for your thinking.
 
S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
245
Thanks for the replies.

She would never seek couple's counselling because she won't acknowledge we're a couple. We have lived a pretence for all of these years but I think she is stupid if she doesn't assume people know. We do everything together so its not like a normal house share.

Its the end as far as I'm concerned but the money side is freaking me out. I've not had a mortgage for years but I will end up with a sizeable one if I buy her out, which is what I want to do. I'm literally 2 mins on foot from my parents and its nice and quiet. We have 2 cats which I know she will leave with me so I need to consider their safety and they have it here.

She must hate me to make herself so vulnerable. She is 20 years older than me and from the start pushed me to sort things out with the house, holidays etc. She'd brought up a son on her own and always said it was someone else's turn to organise stuff. Funnily enough, she fell out with her son years ago and has no contact with him or her grandchildren and she fell out with her sister about 40 years ago. She never sees herself as being in the wrong although there have been times when she has acknowledged how hard work she can be to live with and its a good job I'm placid. I am placid but I've also allowed her to walk all over me for too long.

I feel so sad and scared

x
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
8,247
Location
Nashua NH
Thanks for the replies.

She would never seek couple's counselling because she won't acknowledge we're a couple. We have lived a pretence for all of these years but I think she is stupid if she doesn't assume people know. We do everything together so its not like a normal house share.

Its the end as far as I'm concerned but the money side is freaking me out. I've not had a mortgage for years but I will end up with a sizeable one if I buy her out, which is what I want to do. I'm literally 2 mins on foot from my parents and its nice and quiet. We have 2 cats which I know she will leave with me so I need to consider their safety and they have it here.

She must hate me to make herself so vulnerable. She is 20 years older than me and from the start pushed me to sort things out with the house, holidays etc. She'd brought up a son on her own and always said it was someone else's turn to organise stuff. Funnily enough, she fell out with her son years ago and has no contact with him or her grandchildren and she fell out with her sister about 40 years ago. She never sees herself as being in the wrong although there have been times when she has acknowledged how hard work she can be to live with and its a good job I'm placid. I am placid but I've also allowed her to walk all over me for too long.

I feel so sad and scared

x
I’m so sorry that you are dealings with the loss of a loved one. Breakups can be so hard. It does sound like having this person out of your life might help with your mental health some as she seems like kind of a volatile person. Still it’s hard when we still care. You will eventually be able to get past this and move forward toward a new life with new possibilities. What things would you like in this new life? Sometimes daydreaming about this can take our minds of of things that are causing us pain and heartache. In the meantime please feel welcome and encouraged to lean on us as much as possible. We will get through this together. xo, j
 
S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
245
Hi
I've got a list on the go of what I want to do once we've got past all the nastiness. Its a long list, mainly being able to do what I want, when i want. Simple things, like being able to browse the net on my phone if we're watching something on TV that I'm not that bothered about. if I do it now, she goes mad saying that I'm ALWAYS on my phone - I'm really not.
I can watch what I want on TV, go out for walks, classes, travel more (I'm OK to travel on my own). Lots of things. Just not feeling like I'm treading on eggshells ALL of the time will probably be the biggest bonus.
I've never lived on my own and I'm 48 - I know it will take some adjusting to but I'm ready...I think.
I still feel really sad. Dreading the weekend. I do wonder if she'll being up what we need to do at some point over the next 2 days - probably Sunday. That's when it will get really awkward and potentially, nasty.
The anxiety is overwhelming :low: :(
x
 
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