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Is this the depression talking or am I onto something?

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T

ThinkingOfAUserName

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Feb 3, 2021
Messages
28
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Mexico
After a horrible 2020 where I lost a sister to cancer, another sister to politics and 2 very dear people to betrayal, I have been performing a review of my life. I've always struggled, sometimes financially, sometimes socially, some people say I might have aspergers, I have struggled with school, I have a terrible memory and a weird way of comprehending things. My romantic life has been a long string of jerks and some abusive people. I am divorced but more like a single mother since the father is a very absent figure.

In my country I can't complain much about my struggles because I'm white and they automatically assume I am just a spoiled brat that knows nothing of life. But I've walked many walks, some of them hard choices, others apparently good opportunities that always come with many obstacles I've had to sort out.

I am finally in a stable job with stable pay and I am finally living in decent conditions. I rent a house, my car is really the company's car, all I have is a little money that I am about to use for a medical procedure, worn out furniture I wouldn't even give away to charity and many books, my most prized treasure. I am ok with all of this.

What I'm not ok with is people. I've had gender dysphoria for 30 years now, it took me a long time to figure out it was never about wanting to be a man, I just didn't want to be a woman because it sucks. The social expectations, the abuse and constant harrassment, vulnerability, etc. And it was always hard for me to relate to women. It was easier to make friends with men, so a vicious cycle started since I was 13, girls hated me so I hanged out with guys, that gave me a slut reputation that was completely uncalled for (I lost my virginity at 22), so I was alienated by girls, which made me hang out even more with guys which would in turn sluttify me even more. But I was always proud of how easy it was for me to get male friends.

Recently I noticed a pattern, after my (lost the count) failed attempt at finding love, I decided I give up. It's just not worth it. That was when I noticed the pattern, those guys that I thought were easy to hang out with, about 85% of them eventually made a move on me. Some declared their undying devotion, others took "no" very badly and stopped talking to me, and a couple did manage to get me into bed and then ghosted me, one after 5 years of what I thought was a very good friendship. My conclusion to all of this is no, it hasn't been easy to relate to men. It is easy to get their attention, phone number, start a conversation. But for this to turn into a friendship, I must first prove I am more than just a vagina, more than just an "I'd hit that" girl. More than just a f*ckable person. I am tired of people not seeing the other things I have to offer. I am tired of being dissapointed. At this very moment, I feel like I don't understand this world and I don't feel like trying anymore. I don't understand how friendships work, and let's not even go to the love theme, that is just starting to gross me out. I am tired of the importance of sex that apparently justifies hurting people to get it. I am tired of being judged by women for things I don't do and tired of men just wanting an easy time.

I think a lot about not being here anymore. I don't want to die and I don't intend to do anything to speed that process, but I just don't want to be here anymore. I feel like I belong in another planet. Right now I feel like isolating myself from the world. Would it be healthy to do this? Not as in taking time off, but as in devoting myself to my kids and my work and my books and just avoiding people all together?
 
P

Peppermint

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Joined
Jan 13, 2020
Messages
91
Location
Somewhere
Oh, it sounds like you have gone through such a hard time recently, with the loss of your sisters to cancer and politics and the betrayals.

I can understand you wanting to devote yourself to your kids and work. Totally isolating yourself and avoiding people might not be the healthiest thing to do. Remember there are some good people out there too, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. I think you are still healing from all those losses in 2020 and that will take time.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,181
Sorry to hear of all you have been through and obviously your losses too. With so much negativity it's easy to see why someone might feel like giving up so to speak. :hug: I think if it were me I would re-evaluate those past relationships, and see if there's lessons to be learned. For me regarding relationships, these days I focus on the other person's values, and those of the people in their social circles. In my opinion it can make the difference between a short term and long term relationship, the difference between a healthy relationship and one not worth pursuing etc. Hope this helps :)
 
M

ManDss

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Joined
Apr 22, 2018
Messages
843
Location
Argentina
Hi there. Sorry to hear all this. Its a pain in the azz when you cant relate with anyone, and you have to deal with those annoying stereotypes. Its hard to find "the kind of people you want".

Isolate yourself is kinda a good idea, at least take a time of all this. And then if you start meeting people again, you know what to expect, so its not gonna be so shocking.

Try to cope. Maybe meet people online could be good.

Hope your medical procedure goes well.
 
C

candycane

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 15, 2021
Messages
216
Location
Online
After a horrible 2020 where I lost a sister to cancer, another sister to politics and 2 very dear people to betrayal, I have been performing a review of my life. I've always struggled, sometimes financially, sometimes socially, some people say I might have aspergers, I have struggled with school, I have a terrible memory and a weird way of comprehending things. My romantic life has been a long string of jerks and some abusive people. I am divorced but more like a single mother since the father is a very absent figure.

In my country I can't complain much about my struggles because I'm white and they automatically assume I am just a spoiled brat that knows nothing of life. But I've walked many walks, some of them hard choices, others apparently good opportunities that always come with many obstacles I've had to sort out.

I am finally in a stable job with stable pay and I am finally living in decent conditions. I rent a house, my car is really the company's car, all I have is a little money that I am about to use for a medical procedure, worn out furniture I wouldn't even give away to charity and many books, my most prized treasure. I am ok with all of this.

What I'm not ok with is people. I've had gender dysphoria for 30 years now, it took me a long time to figure out it was never about wanting to be a man, I just didn't want to be a woman because it sucks. The social expectations, the abuse and constant harrassment, vulnerability, etc. And it was always hard for me to relate to women. It was easier to make friends with men, so a vicious cycle started since I was 13, girls hated me so I hanged out with guys, that gave me a slut reputation that was completely uncalled for (I lost my virginity at 22), so I was alienated by girls, which made me hang out even more with guys which would in turn sluttify me even more. But I was always proud of how easy it was for me to get male friends.

Recently I noticed a pattern, after my (lost the count) failed attempt at finding love, I decided I give up. It's just not worth it. That was when I noticed the pattern, those guys that I thought were easy to hang out with, about 85% of them eventually made a move on me. Some declared their undying devotion, others took "no" very badly and stopped talking to me, and a couple did manage to get me into bed and then ghosted me, one after 5 years of what I thought was a very good friendship. My conclusion to all of this is no, it hasn't been easy to relate to men. It is easy to get their attention, phone number, start a conversation. But for this to turn into a friendship, I must first prove I am more than just a vagina, more than just an "I'd hit that" girl. More than just a f*ckable person. I am tired of people not seeing the other things I have to offer. I am tired of being dissapointed. At this very moment, I feel like I don't understand this world and I don't feel like trying anymore. I don't understand how friendships work, and let's not even go to the love theme, that is just starting to gross me out. I am tired of the importance of sex that apparently justifies hurting people to get it. I am tired of being judged by women for things I don't do and tired of men just wanting an easy time.

I think a lot about not being here anymore. I don't want to die and I don't intend to do anything to speed that process, but I just don't want to be here anymore. I feel like I belong in another planet. Right now I feel like isolating myself from the world. Would it be healthy to do this? Not as in taking time off, but as in devoting myself to my kids and my work and my books and just avoiding people all together?
So sorry to here that.
I really am.
Can you move out of the country your in, and go to another one?
 
T

ThinkingOfAUserName

Active member
Joined
Feb 3, 2021
Messages
28
Location
Mexico
Thank you all for your replies. It helps to know someone cares. I have been kind of absent in a whirlwind of things, between getting ready for surgery and finding out accidentally many things about the people who betrayed me that just make me plain nauseous. One has a history of stalking and threatening past lovers and is playing the victim in a radical feminist group, everyone is there catering to her every need, even if it is bullying a young girl (the way she manages to rot everything in sight, even a feminist group that aims to fight violence against women is stunning), the other one, the one I started a relationship with is being accused of having unconsented and unprotected sex with someone who was too drunk to consent.

It has been an eye opener. A rough awakening but this helps me in the sense that I definitely know I do not belong there and do not want to be there.

I would very much like to live in another country. After certain events at my job, this might be the opportunity I was hoping for. Start fresh someplace else. But it is not an easy feat, something that might take a few years to fulfill.
 
ht46

ht46

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
2,349
Location
Kokomo
I isolate myself and devote myself to my wife, books and music. Honestly what psychiatrists disagree with is that I think escaping is good for some people. As long as youre content with yourself and have your kids who cares that's the main thing, don't settle for less. I don't know I tend to enjoy the tender sensations of life and treat the rest with indifference.
 
C

candycane

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 15, 2021
Messages
216
Location
Online
Thank you all for your replies. It helps to know someone cares. I have been kind of absent in a whirlwind of things, between getting ready for surgery and finding out accidentally many things about the people who betrayed me that just make me plain nauseous. One has a history of stalking and threatening past lovers and is playing the victim in a radical feminist group, everyone is there catering to her every need, even if it is bullying a young girl (the way she manages to rot everything in sight, even a feminist group that aims to fight violence against women is stunning), the other one, the one I started a relationship with is being accused of having unconsented and unprotected sex with someone who was too drunk to consent.

It has been an eye opener. A rough awakening but this helps me in the sense that I definitely know I do not belong there and do not want to be there.

I would very much like to live in another country. After certain events at my job, this might be the opportunity I was hoping for. Start fresh someplace else. But it is not an easy feat, something that might take a few years to fulfill.
Glad we were able to help,you.
 
Capri19

Capri19

Active member
Joined
Mar 16, 2021
Messages
35
Location
NZ
After a horrible 2020 where I lost a sister to cancer, another sister to politics and 2 very dear people to betrayal, I have been performing a review of my life. I've always struggled, sometimes financially, sometimes socially, some people say I might have aspergers, I have struggled with school, I have a terrible memory and a weird way of comprehending things. My romantic life has been a long string of jerks and some abusive people. I am divorced but more like a single mother since the father is a very absent figure.

In my country I can't complain much about my struggles because I'm white and they automatically assume I am just a spoiled brat that knows nothing of life. But I've walked many walks, some of them hard choices, others apparently good opportunities that always come with many obstacles I've had to sort out.

I am finally in a stable job with stable pay and I am finally living in decent conditions. I rent a house, my car is really the company's car, all I have is a little money that I am about to use for a medical procedure, worn out furniture I wouldn't even give away to charity and many books, my most prized treasure. I am ok with all of this.

What I'm not ok with is people. I've had gender dysphoria for 30 years now, it took me a long time to figure out it was never about wanting to be a man, I just didn't want to be a woman because it sucks. The social expectations, the abuse and constant harrassment, vulnerability, etc. And it was always hard for me to relate to women. It was easier to make friends with men, so a vicious cycle started since I was 13, girls hated me so I hanged out with guys, that gave me a slut reputation that was completely uncalled for (I lost my virginity at 22), so I was alienated by girls, which made me hang out even more with guys which would in turn sluttify me even more. But I was always proud of how easy it was for me to get male friends.

Recently I noticed a pattern, after my (lost the count) failed attempt at finding love, I decided I give up. It's just not worth it. That was when I noticed the pattern, those guys that I thought were easy to hang out with, about 85% of them eventually made a move on me. Some declared their undying devotion, others took "no" very badly and stopped talking to me, and a couple did manage to get me into bed and then ghosted me, one after 5 years of what I thought was a very good friendship. My conclusion to all of this is no, it hasn't been easy to relate to men. It is easy to get their attention, phone number, start a conversation. But for this to turn into a friendship, I must first prove I am more than just a vagina, more than just an "I'd hit that" girl. More than just a f*ckable person. I am tired of people not seeing the other things I have to offer. I am tired of being dissapointed. At this very moment, I feel like I don't understand this world and I don't feel like trying anymore. I don't understand how friendships work, and let's not even go to the love theme, that is just starting to gross me out. I am tired of the importance of sex that apparently justifies hurting people to get it. I am tired of being judged by women for things I don't do and tired of men just wanting an easy time.

I think a lot about not being here anymore. I don't want to die and I don't intend to do anything to speed that process, but I just don't want to be here anymore. I feel like I belong in another planet. Right now I feel like isolating myself from the world. Would it be healthy to do this? Not as in taking time off, but as in devoting myself to my kids and my work and my books and just avoiding people all together?
After a horrible 2020 where I lost a sister to cancer, another sister to politics and 2 very dear people to betrayal, I have been performing a review of my life. I've always struggled, sometimes financially, sometimes socially, some people say I might have aspergers, I have struggled with school, I have a terrible memory and a weird way of comprehending things. My romantic life has been a long string of jerks and some abusive people. I am divorced but more like a single mother since the father is a very absent figure.

In my country I can't complain much about my struggles because I'm white and they automatically assume I am just a spoiled brat that knows nothing of life. But I've walked many walks, some of them hard choices, others apparently good opportunities that always come with many obstacles I've had to sort out.

I am finally in a stable job with stable pay and I am finally living in decent conditions. I rent a house, my car is really the company's car, all I have is a little money that I am about to use for a medical procedure, worn out furniture I wouldn't even give away to charity and many books, my most prized treasure. I am ok with all of this.

What I'm not ok with is people. I've had gender dysphoria for 30 years now, it took me a long time to figure out it was never about wanting to be a man, I just didn't want to be a woman because it sucks. The social expectations, the abuse and constant harrassment, vulnerability, etc. And it was always hard for me to relate to women. It was easier to make friends with men, so a vicious cycle started since I was 13, girls hated me so I hanged out with guys, that gave me a slut reputation that was completely uncalled for (I lost my virginity at 22), so I was alienated by girls, which made me hang out even more with guys which would in turn sluttify me even more. But I was always proud of how easy it was for me to get male friends.

Recently I noticed a pattern, after my (lost the count) failed attempt at finding love, I decided I give up. It's just not worth it. That was when I noticed the pattern, those guys that I thought were easy to hang out with, about 85% of them eventually made a move on me. Some declared their undying devotion, others took "no" very badly and stopped talking to me, and a couple did manage to get me into bed and then ghosted me, one after 5 years of what I thought was a very good friendship. My conclusion to all of this is no, it hasn't been easy to relate to men. It is easy to get their attention, phone number, start a conversation. But for this to turn into a friendship, I must first prove I am more than just a vagina, more than just an "I'd hit that" girl. More than just a f*ckable person. I am tired of people not seeing the other things I have to offer. I am tired of being dissapointed. At this very moment, I feel like I don't understand this world and I don't feel like trying anymore. I don't understand how friendships work, and let's not even go to the love theme, that is just starting to gross me out. I am tired of the importance of sex that apparently justifies hurting people to get it. I am tired of being judged by women for things I don't do and tired of men just wanting an easy time.

I think a lot about not being here anymore. I don't want to die and I don't intend to do anything to speed that process, but I just don't want to be here anymore. I feel like I belong in another planet. Right now I feel like isolating myself from the world. Would it be healthy to do this? Not as in taking time off, but as in devoting myself to my kids and my work and my books and just avoiding people all together?
Hi there, I absolutely understand your feeling of wanting to distance yourself from people. I often feel like that but know that people also help me. I sometimes think I don’t like people very much, and prefer my own company and that of close family and friends. Ive been through a marriage break up, and that was nearly two years ago, but still have moments in my community where I think I’m being judged or talked about. Certain comments from people have got back to me and it hurts...and it’s then that I want to run away and not face anyone. However, we have to pick ourselves up and carry on. It becomes emotionally and physically exhausting at times and it’s often then that people experiencing what you are, feel very alone. I hope this forum helps to discuss your feelings and get some comfort and encouragement. I’m certainly hoping I can also get that. I’m feeling worn out right now, and need to get back on track. Take care and be kind to yourself!😊
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,181
Hi there, I absolutely understand your feeling of wanting to distance yourself from people. I often feel like that but know that people also help me. I sometimes think I don’t like people very much, and prefer my own company and that of close family and friends. Ive been through a marriage break up, and that was nearly two years ago, but still have moments in my community where I think I’m being judged or talked about. Certain comments from people have got back to me and it hurts...and it’s then that I want to run away and not face anyone. However, we have to pick ourselves up and carry on. It becomes emotionally and physically exhausting at times and it’s often then that people experiencing what you are, feel very alone. I hope this forum helps to discuss your feelings and get some comfort and encouragement. I’m certainly hoping I can also get that. I’m feeling worn out right now, and need to get back on track. Take care and be kind to yourself!😊
I'm sorry to hear of all the things you have endured... Are you getting any support etc. with any of this :hug:
 
Capri19

Capri19

Active member
Joined
Mar 16, 2021
Messages
35
Location
NZ
I'm sorry to hear of all the things you have endured... Are you getting any support etc. with any of this :hug:
Thank you and yes. I had a very good phone counselling session this morning. I had a written complaint about me at work...from a day last week when I was very fragile and not coping very well...the person who complained wasn’t to know that but it still hurts so much when you’re struggling and trying really hard, to then get kicked by a written complaint.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,181
Thank you and yes. I had a very good phone counselling session this morning. I had a written complaint about me at work...from a day last week when I was very fragile and not coping very well...the person who complained wasn’t to know that but it still hurts so much when you’re struggling and trying really hard, to then get kicked by a written complaint.
A written complaint, that sucks... is it being resolved :hug:
 
Capri19

Capri19

Active member
Joined
Mar 16, 2021
Messages
35
Location
NZ
A written complaint, that sucks... is it being resolved :hug:
The person has had an emailed reply from my manager apologising on my behalf. Didn’t exactly make me feel better. I will never write and complain about anyone....unless they cause someone’s death or physical harm. No one knows what anyone’s trying to cope with...anyway, I appreciate your comment.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,181
The person has had an emailed reply from my manager apologising on my behalf. Didn’t exactly make me feel better. I will never write and complain about anyone....unless they cause someone’s death or physical harm. No one knows what anyone’s trying to cope with...anyway, I appreciate your comment.
I can understand your sentiments regarding written complaints. You clearly aren't happy with the way it's been handled. May I ask what you think should have been done differently? May I also ask about your sentiments regarding the person who put pen to paper too? :hug:
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
2,038
Location
Southern USA
I self isolate a lot
After a horrible 2020 where I lost a sister to cancer, another sister to politics and 2 very dear people to betrayal, I have been performing a review of my life. I've always struggled, sometimes financially, sometimes socially, some people say I might have aspergers, I have struggled with school, I have a terrible memory and a weird way of comprehending things. My romantic life has been a long string of jerks and some abusive people. I am divorced but more like a single mother since the father is a very absent figure.

In my country I can't complain much about my struggles because I'm white and they automatically assume I am just a spoiled brat that knows nothing of life. But I've walked many walks, some of them hard choices, others apparently good opportunities that always come with many obstacles I've had to sort out.

I am finally in a stable job with stable pay and I am finally living in decent conditions. I rent a house, my car is really the company's car, all I have is a little money that I am about to use for a medical procedure, worn out furniture I wouldn't even give away to charity and many books, my most prized treasure. I am ok with all of this.

What I'm not ok with is people. I've had gender dysphoria for 30 years now, it took me a long time to figure out it was never about wanting to be a man, I just didn't want to be a woman because it sucks. The social expectations, the abuse and constant harrassment, vulnerability, etc. And it was always hard for me to relate to women. It was easier to make friends with men, so a vicious cycle started since I was 13, girls hated me so I hanged out with guys, that gave me a slut reputation that was completely uncalled for (I lost my virginity at 22), so I was alienated by girls, which made me hang out even more with guys which would in turn sluttify me even more. But I was always proud of how easy it was for me to get male friends.

Recently I noticed a pattern, after my (lost the count) failed attempt at finding love, I decided I give up. It's just not worth it. That was when I noticed the pattern, those guys that I thought were easy to hang out with, about 85% of them eventually made a move on me. Some declared their undying devotion, others took "no" very badly and stopped talking to me, and a couple did manage to get me into bed and then ghosted me, one after 5 years of what I thought was a very good friendship. My conclusion to all of this is no, it hasn't been easy to relate to men. It is easy to get their attention, phone number, start a conversation. But for this to turn into a friendship, I must first prove I am more than just a vagina, more than just an "I'd hit that" girl. More than just a f*ckable person. I am tired of people not seeing the other things I have to offer. I am tired of being dissapointed. At this very moment, I feel like I don't understand this world and I don't feel like trying anymore. I don't understand how friendships work, and let's not even go to the love theme, that is just starting to gross me out. I am tired of the importance of sex that apparently justifies hurting people to get it. I am tired of being judged by women for things I don't do and tired of men just wanting an easy time.

I think a lot about not being here anymore. I don't want to die and I don't intend to do anything to speed that process, but I just don't want to be here anymore. I feel like I belong in another planet. Right now I feel like isolating myself from the world. Would it be healthy to do this? Not as in taking time off, but as in devoting myself to my kids and my work and my books and just avoiding people all together?
i think you definitely should concentrate on yourself and your kids more.
Wait for "the one" as old fashioned as that sounds.
Definitely get away from those awful feminists who give all women a bad name.
Clearly they are not helping you.
In any case, I think you are brave and will do awesome in life and raise wonderful, caring
children which is your main job. Best luck, dear✌
 
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