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Is this OCD? I need help!

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Rogue7

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 2, 2020
Messages
59
Location
Australia
How did you treat your OCD and CPTSD?
Well, I'm still in therapy. So it's a work in progress. I'm working on bringing my different "parts" into a more cohesive personality instead of having a fragmented personality (I dissociate). Also, practicing mindfulness and reminding myself thats its not me, it's OCD.
 
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john1325476

Member
Joined
Jan 5, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Tallahassee
Well, I'm still in therapy. So it's a work in progress. I'm working on bringing my different "parts" into a more cohesive personality instead of having a fragmented personality (I dissociate). Also, practicing mindfulness and reminding myself thats its not me, it's OCD.
I have listened to Bessel Van Der Kolks audio book and lectures. He talks about people behaving weirdly in public, constantly feeling fight or flight emotions. Having the survival areas of the brain hijacked. I suppose this could be what I’m experiencing? And the way I gain a “sense” of control about this constant danger and anxiety is by ocd’ing about these real events?
 
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john1325476

Member
Joined
Jan 5, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Tallahassee
Well, I'm still in therapy. So it's a work in progress. I'm working on bringing my different "parts" into a more cohesive personality instead of having a fragmented personality (I dissociate). Also, practicing mindfulness and reminding myself thats its not me, it's OCD.
Parts work is also important I’ve heard. Constantly being in a state of flight does cause disassociation. It is awful.
 
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Rogue7

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 2, 2020
Messages
59
Location
Australia
I have listened to Bessel Van Der Kolks audio book and lectures. He talks about people behaving weirdly in public, constantly feeling fight or flight emotions. Having the survival areas of the brain hijacked. I suppose this could be what I’m experiencing? And the way I gain a “sense” of control about this constant danger and anxiety is by ocd’ing about these real events?
I think it's great that you are starting to put pieces of your puzzle together. Keep going strong xx
 
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Rogue7

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 2, 2020
Messages
59
Location
Australia
Parts work is also important I’ve heard. Constantly being in a state of flight does cause disassociation. It is awful.
I just had an appointment with my therapist today. I have horrible intrusive thoughts/urges to hurt others and worry that I will eventually snap and kill someone. She told me something that might help you too. That's its just a narrative. A story my mind is making up but it doesn't mean it's going to happen. (even though it feels very real to me). For me, I'm going to try really hard to change the narrative.
 
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john1325476

Member
Joined
Jan 5, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Tallahassee
I just had an appointment with my therapist today. I have horrible intrusive thoughts/urges to hurt others and worry that I will eventually snap and kill someone. She told me something that might help you too. That's its just a narrative. A story my mind is making up but it doesn't mean it's going to happen. (even though it feels very real to me). For me, I'm going to try really hard to change the narrative.
Do you ever feel like people want to harm you? I understand the narrative feeling real, so real in fact it seems like reality. I’m glad you’re getting relief! It’s within everyone to recover from mental illness. I know I’m going to be healthy soon. I’ve wasted too many years (and in my youth) obsessing and being anxiety ridden.
 
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Rogue7

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 2, 2020
Messages
59
Location
Australia
Do you ever feel like people want to harm you? I understand the narrative feeling real, so real in fact it seems like reality. I’m glad you’re getting relief! It’s within everyone to recover from mental illness. I know I’m going to be healthy soon. I’ve wasted too many years (and in my youth) obsessing and being anxiety ridden.
I'm always on guard in certain situations but I'm more scared of myself than others which is weird considering I've been sexual assaulted on numerous occasions by different people.
 
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john1325476

Member
Joined
Jan 5, 2020
Messages
14
Location
Tallahassee
I'm always on guard in certain situations but I'm more scared of myself than others which is weird considering I've been sexual assaulted on numerous occasions by different people.
I am sorry to hear. No one should have to live like that. No one should have to live with the amount of fear we do. Sounds like maybe your ocd is centered around being perfect and obsessing over not being someone who could be targeted for sexual assault again. I’ve heard theories stating that in ‘some’ cases ocd has its roots in childhood sexual abuse, shame, and generally feeling like abuse and lack of love we received in childhood is our fault and no one elses (not true). Many cases of ocd can be looked at as the brain bringing up bad situations on a constant basis, saying, “hey, you might do or be this bad thing, are you sure you’re not?” We grow to resist those feelings, and as a result train our subconscious it is true and that so why we fear it. Which leads to the unrelenting intrusive thoughts. Mine has lead me to feeling like I really want to provoke people to attack me and get in fights so I can finally end the feeling that “people want to attack me” and the uncertainty that accompanies it. I’m at a place where I genuinely can’t tell if I want to get into fights (I really hope it’s not true), all because I’ve fought the feelings for so long through ruminating, obsessing, compulsions. I’ve tried to get an absolute sense of certainty over whether there’s something about me that makes people want to fight me. I’ve been doing it for so long that I’m afraid to stop. I feel like I can’t leave the fear and possibility behind because then I’m not in control.
 
R

Rogue7

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 2, 2020
Messages
59
Location
Australia
I am sorry to hear. No one should have to live like that. No one should have to live with the amount of fear we do. Sounds like maybe your ocd is centered around being perfect and obsessing over not being someone who could be targeted for sexual assault again. I’ve heard theories stating that in ‘some’ cases ocd has its roots in childhood sexual abuse, shame, and generally feeling like abuse and lack of love we received in childhood is our fault and no one elses (not true). Many cases of ocd can be looked at as the brain bringing up bad situations on a constant basis, saying, “hey, you might do or be this bad thing, are you sure you’re not?” We grow to resist those feelings, and as a result train our subconscious it is true and that so why we fear it. Which leads to the unrelenting intrusive thoughts. Mine has lead me to feeling like I really want to provoke people to attack me and get in fights so I can finally end the feeling that “people want to attack me” and the uncertainty that accompanies it. I’m at a place where I genuinely can’t tell if I want to get into fights (I really hope it’s not true), all because I’ve fought the feelings for so long through ruminating, obsessing, compulsions. I’ve tried to get an absolute sense of certainty over whether there’s something about me that makes people want to fight me. I’ve been doing it for so long that I’m afraid to stop. I feel like I can’t leave the fear and possibility behind because then I’m not in control.
I feel you. I'm in the same boat rn. Always questioning if I really want these bad things to happen or not. If I'm evil or not. If I'm crazy or not. The list goes on and it's doubt and uncertainty that drive it for sure!
 
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