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Is this how it happens?

vanish

vanish

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Hey folks, I need help in understanding something. My wife occasionally self harms and I always thought it was an intensely private thing (self harming) but tonight she did it right in front of me while I was telling her to stop. Is this unusual or can this sometimes be what happens? I really don't get it at all. She has BPD but is usually nowadays in control most of the time, as she is the primary carer for myself, her children and her elderly mum. Tonight she said to me she had to punish herself for lying to me (over something really trivial that I wasn't bothered about).

I'm just confused!
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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This does sound unusual. I have always heard of self harm being a solitary thing.

I use to keep a diary and I marked it when I told a lie. You could also get her a jar and some pebbles and tell her to put a pebble in the jar for every lie she tells. As the jar fills up she learns not to lie.

I am saddened to hear she has no compassion for her own self and self harms over a lie.
 
mami5

mami5

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I can relate to the need to punish herself bit. I often feel the same and will, at times, come up with very trivial reasons for doing so. I don't hurt myself in front of others though, even though I have been tempted many times.

I don't know your wife, or her reasons for doing what she did....but for me....I've been abused most of my life and I consider it to be my punishment. Now I'm alone I believe I need to punish myself, I even believed my cancer was a punishment. Living with BPD is so complicated and hard.
 
vanish

vanish

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Thanks Poopy and Mami for your insight into self harm. You're certainly right there Mami, BPD is very complicated and hard. She was abused when she was younger so it could be possible that the need to punish herself stems from there. We start couples counselling today so we can both gain a better understanding of why we do the things we do and to learn to communicate better. We're not in trouble as a couple, far from it but we just need to get on the same page of the book with each other so to speak.
 
mami5

mami5

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It is good to see you are entering counselling together in order to understand and support each other. I think that shows how strong you are as a couple as it takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing.

I hope you gain something from it and it helps you to talk things through. Take care :hug:
 
vanish

vanish

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Thanks Mami. I am hoping we'll both gain a new understanding and perspective of each other issues while supporting one another.
 
C

Candy19

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I feel the need to reply to this too after your other one as I think it links to the thread you just posted

When an argument happens a lot of BPD people internalise it and sort of use that as evidence that they are a bad person or shouldn't be loved or something, it's hard to say as I don't know what your argument was about, but they completely blame themselves and although you say it doesn't bother you that much, even the smallest of things can cause her to overthink and like you said punish herself for it

I've done something like this before myself, my FP and I had an argument through text, then shortly after I self-harmed and sent a picture of it to him because I felt bad and like I had to prove that in a way
 
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C

Candy19

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As people have said BPD is complicated to understand especially for people who don't have it, but I think it's amazing that you deal with this and willing to help her rather than add to the stigma of BPD or use it against her, wish there was more people like you in this world
 
C

Candy19

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You just reminded me of a thread I posted a few months back actually

I made this after an argument with a close friend, maybe it can help you understand the mindset we get in after something like this happens:

How do I properly punish myself?
 
T

Tryin2gethelp

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I have BPD, I have been on every med going, and the only thing that helped me was group therapy.
I have run out of places I can injure and still kind of hide, it isn't personal, I know it is irrational as I do it, but it does give me a feeling of control of my own pain. Yeas I was abused as a child too. I hope you find a way through this, try to understand and not judge, leave the judgment to the people that don't know any better.
 
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