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Is this fair?-Short version.

7920NewbridgeCovina

7920NewbridgeCovina

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Aug 19, 2020
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I have a friends wedding coming up. My mom offered to watch my step kids because they asked that kids outside of the bride and grooms immediate family don’t attend. I didn’t want to attend for several reasons.. I’ve gained a lot of weight this year because of the new baby. I’m really not that close to the girl anymore.
He won’t go. He asks like it’s fair of him to just tell me to go by myself. We live together. We have a baby together. We’ve been talking about buying a house together for over a year. He’s going to stay home with his kids while I attend the wedding alone. I hate attending events like this. Now I have to do it by myself.
The question is: Is this fair of him? Am I overreacting?
 
B

bpd2020

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I am wondering if he dislikes attending weddings and cannot face going. Have you told him you would really like him to go with you? If you have and he still refuses then I do think that is unsupportive.

On another note, I personally would not force myself to attend an event that is causing me so much distress. You are not close to the person so I do not feel you are obligated to go. Having social anxiety is hard enough without having to be in a crowded situation. I know you have to do what is right for you though.
 
AlwaysinCrown

AlwaysinCrown

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Poland
You don't have to get married. I'm not sure if civil unions are legal in your state? It's not a special ceremony and you can invite the closest family for the reception. I also don't like big events. On the other hand you don't have to get married, we don't live in the middle ages.
 
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Elisante

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Greece
You don't have to get married. I'm not sure if civil unions are legal in your state? It's not a special ceremony and you can invite the closest family for the reception. I also don't like big events. On the other hand you don't have to get married, we don't live in the middle ages.
She wants to attend a wedding, not get married.
 
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Elisante

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If none of you actually wants to go, maybe you shouldn't go. Especially since you're not close to that friend anymore. Make an excuse about not having anyone to watch the kids.
 
7920NewbridgeCovina

7920NewbridgeCovina

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Minnesota
Yeah, except they’re teenagers. No one technically needs to watch them.
 
E

Elisante

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You can say that your pregnancy is making you nauseous (I think you said you had a baby)
 
7920NewbridgeCovina

7920NewbridgeCovina

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You can say that your pregnancy is making you nauseous (I think you said you had a baby)
Yeah! Sorry. He’s already here. He’s going to be 3.5 months old when the wedding is.
I just haven’t been able to stop emotional eating since I’ve had him. Something comes up with the kids or my relationship and I binge eat. I’ve had the eating problems for years but it resurfaced again after the baby.
 
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Elisante

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Then say you're afraid of the virus. I'm running out of excuses😂. To be honest you don't own an explanation (although it would be nice to give one). The question is if you actually want to go. If you want to then I understand why you're mad at your husband for not coming. It is a bit unfair.
 
7920NewbridgeCovina

7920NewbridgeCovina

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Minnesota
Then say you're afraid of the virus. I'm running out of excuses😂. To be honest you don't own an explanation (although it would be nice to give one). The question is if you actually want to go. If you want to then I understand why you're mad at your husband for not coming. It is a bit unfair.
I am too 😅 We made the short list for covid because I grew up with her. I’ve known her since we were 4. I RSVPed to the wedding a month ago when he talked me into it.
mom tired of having to explain why I’m at events by myself.
 
E

Elisante

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So It's not the first time he leaves you alone? That's awful, tell him that he has to make some compromises since you're married.

I never had a relationship but I had a friend that always leaved me alone and it sucked, I get how you feel.
 
7920NewbridgeCovina

7920NewbridgeCovina

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Minnesota
So It's not the first time he leaves you alone? That's awful, tell him that he has to make some compromises since you're married.

I never had a relationship but I had a friend that always leaved me alone and it sucked, I get how you feel.
It’s gotten slightly better but he’s left me alone in restaurants. Parked outside of his house. We ordered dinner once and he left me in the middle of a restaurant once.
 
OddballOut

OddballOut

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Why does he not want to go? His own mental health reasons?

I mean it seems unsupportive, especially if he talked you into it. But fair/unfair? Not sure that belongs in the discussion. Super objective and making someone feel guilty wouldn't help, forcing him to go wouldnt help either- i think both of those would be unfair.

You don't owe people an explanation, if you don't want to attend. my go to, if people insist on one is "i don't feel well" and they can assume whatever they want after that, not my problem.

Barring that- is there a friend or someone else you can take with you instead?
 
7920NewbridgeCovina

7920NewbridgeCovina

Active member
Joined
Aug 19, 2020
Messages
32
Location
Minnesota
Why does he not want to go? His own mental health reasons?

I mean it seems unsupportive, especially if he talked you into it. But fair/unfair? Not sure that belongs in the discussion. Super objective and making someone feel guilty wouldn't help, forcing him to go wouldnt help either- i think both of those would be unfair.

You don't owe people an explanation, if you don't want to attend. my go to, if people insist on one is "i don't feel well" and they can assume whatever they want after that, not my problem.

Barring that- is there a friend or someone else you can take with you instead?
The man I just had a child with is choosing to stay home with his kids because he doesn’t want to piss of his ex wife. We would be gone 3 hours. She has to have absolute control over everything. So much so that the kids can’t stay with my mom for a few hours while we attend the ceremony of a childhood friend of mine.
 
R

Rex Smith

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San Diego
Is it fair for him not to go? Yes, he should be able to say he doesn't want to do something. Weddings suck.
 
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