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Is this depression/anxiety or just a broken heart?

L

Ljs_85

New member
Joined
Mar 16, 2015
Messages
1
I'm have not been diagnosed with depression, I'm not a fan of doctors so am trying to find help myself. I've always been easily knocked, when I get down, I get really down, but this has only ever been as a result of relationship issues and then I move on and feel ok again. A year an a half ago I started dating a man who had severe depression, I loved him more than I can explain but it was hard. He'd often shut down on me and need space sometimes for days, sometimes weeks. He said it was his defence mechanism and he only pushed away the ones he loved. I noticed myself become more dependant on him, I felt myself changing, his down spells would hit me hard and I took it very personally. It the breaks we had Id feel like my world was ending and then when he came to make up Id feel like Id been saved. 4 months ago it happened for the last time, I pushed him to take new medication and this numbed him to the point where he never came back. I chased for months and he kept contact but was continuously cold and hurtful, sometimes saying he wanted me back and sometimes saying the opposite.

Over the last 4 months I've lost myself. I cry all day every day, I can't focus on work or on anyone else's problems but my own. I can't see any future happiness for myself and have thought about suicide at least twice a day for the last few months. I go over and over every single part of my old relationship and the break up. I've chased him daily and it's got me nowhere and probably made me worse.

To outsiders I have a great life, I'm 29, not unattractive, well paid job and I own my own home and car. I however no longer feel grateful for any of this. I feel miserable all the time and it's begun to spread to other aspects of my life, not just my relationship problems. I find myself unable to ask friend how they are... Because I don't want to hear about anyone who's ok. I am letting my work standard slip, I don't have energy to do anything I used to enjoy, I dont want to socialise, shop, exercise. I just wallow, and I choose to do it but then hate it that that's what I'm doing. I've started feeling paranoid and anxious when im outside and the biggest problem is that I have started to believe that I'll be single forever which makes me feel like there's no point to life as all I've ever wanted is to settle down and have a family.

I find it impossible to talk honestly about my feelings other than in writing, if I'm faced with a friend or a doctor I end up shrugging it off and saying 'I'll be fine, you know me!' And I'll laugh and joke. I'm scared to attempt anti depressants as 1) I've heard they make it worse before better and 2) I've always been a believe in not blocking things out, and just feeling what I'm feeling so that I can tell when I'm actually better. I don't even take paracetamol for headaches!!

I'm now at an utter loss as to what my next move is. I miss my ex terribly but there is no chance of a reconcile. He consumes my thoughts ever second of the day. I'm so lost and lonely and I've never felt this way so can't see a way out and can't see a brighter future :(
 
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maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 25, 2014
Messages
4,861
Might be worth trying for some councilling, help talk through issues troubleing you with regards to the break up, help give you some clarity. X
 
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