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Is this BPD? A rant

  • Thread starter ConsistentInconsistency
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ConsistentInconsistency

ConsistentInconsistency

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So.

I've struggled with self harm since I was 11 years old (I'm 24 now.) I was put in therapy when I was 13, I was formally diagnosed with social anxiety, major depression, and attention deficit (the inattentive/non-hyperactive variant) I have had 4 therapists since then and the moment that therapy stops, my mental health starts declining. There has always been this part of my life that I've had trouble explaining. I have what I call "episodes" and "tracks" I define a track by getting fixated on a line of thought, that often leads me to cycle through several emotions, typically anxiety and depression. Tracks can lead to episodes, where I feel as though I'm completely breaking down and theres really nothing I can do at that point. For example, I just got the email that told me I could be starting DBT soon, and that started a track of self-doubt, now I feel as though I'm on the verge of an episode.

I have always told myself that I'm just sensitive or that I "just have more emotions than most people" and I've chalked up the tracks and episodes as a combination of ADD and anxiety. I dont think I've ever had a healthy relationship because I just dont communicate or open up to people. I suppose the reason I doubt having BPD is because I dont externalize my emotions. If I did that, then people would think I'm insane and I'd have no one. My mantra has been "I dont explode, I implode" I typically isolate myself because the crippling loneliness just seems easier than being vulnerable to any kind of rejection or invalidation. I can handle having no one in my life, I cant handle going out on a limb and being shut down.

I'm with this person now, and they seem pretty adamant that I do have BPD... we have gotten into 2 different fights about my inability to open up. Whenever they ask me how I'm feeling, or what I'm thinking about, my mind completely blanks and I have no idea what to tell them. I'm noticing now that I dont even let myself know how I'm feeling when I'm around them because if I dont know, then they can't know, and they cant reject me for my big ugly feelings. All I've been thinking about during these last 2 days I've been with them is our previous fights, and I'm now very anxious that I'm messing it up every second that I'm with them. It doesnt matter that they literally flung themselves at me as soon as I walked in the door after a week of not seeing them. It doesnt matter if they're constantly touching me, or say they love me every other sentence. I cant stop thinking about the fights.

I'm very scared of what I'm going to do to myself if this doesnt work out. I feel as though I cant take another shitty relationship. It has to stop. I really think that if I mess this up somehow, I will give up on all relationships and completely isolate myself. It's just easier that way.

I'm also very worried that if I go to the shrink and they tell me it's all in my head and I'm just being crazy I will never find a way to fix the lifelong, inexplicable problems that I've had. If it's not BPD, then I have no idea.

And idfk man, I guess I just want other people who do have it to tell me that I'm not being crazy and that this is an actual thing.

End rant.
 
B

bpd2020

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BPD has to be diagnosed by a psychiatrist. I do not think it is very helpful of your partner to assume you have it without you having had a diagnosis. I have bpd and I can open up so not being able to open up does not mean you do have bpd. I hope you find DBT helpful. You can always discuss your thoughts there too.
 
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Nukelavee

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I'm with this person now, and they seem pretty adamant that I do have BPD
first thing is, if they aren't a doctor, their opinion of what you have is invalid.

My mantra has been "I dont explode, I implode" I typically isolate myself because the crippling loneliness just seems easier than being vulnerable to any kind of rejection or invalidation. I can handle having no one in my life, I cant handle going out on a limb and being shut down.
On the other hand, I have BPD, and you've described me with that. Not everybody with BPD reacts to it the same way. I'm far more internalized than many others are.
 
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Nukelavee

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Also - DBT is a good thing to go through. It should help you start to get a handle on things.
 
M

MuminAcrisis

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Hi, nice to meet you and sorry you feel so low and confused. I am not a Dr and neither is your partner however as a mother of someone with BPD it does sound like that may be the case and the inability to open up is called 'masking' it is an in-build protection system that shuts you down from externalising your emotions, as possibly in the past there have been negative responses or consequences of that so you have learnt to shut it down.
Believe it or not there are up-sides to BPD you are likely creative, probably thrive with routine rules, tasks and processes and you're are highly perceptive of others emotional state, your symptoms are also likely to improve with age but if you have been offered DBT grab it!! This can make a BIG difference in your speed of recovery, as it will give you tools and ways to deal effectively with what you are dealing with, you will improve and let a lot of relief from these symptoms. You feel emotion like a pain so masking is also a way to avoid that but a DBT specialist will know this, they will understand your inner language, so give it a go and stick to it they will trigger some emotions you want want to face but it is all part of the process of unlocking the trap you feel you are in, so keep going back no matter what. Best of luck i look forward to hearing how it goes. x
 
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