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Is This All Made Up? I Feel Like A Liar.

SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
137
Location
USA
I've been going to therapy since January 2020, I remember because I missed my own appointment. Anyways, I'm mess of contradictions because I can appear lively and opinionated. I honestly don't quite understand why I feel the way I do because it feels like persistent acting. I could be happy, sad, depressed, angry, or all the above and it all feels contrived. Growing up, I sought attention consistently and wanted to be involved in any possible way, even if I knew I was incompetent. I was bullied and teased, so there's this innate need to overcompensate. It doesn't happen often anymore, but it could be partly why I feel like a fraud. I also tend to overexaggerate or psychoanalyze my thoughts/actions. One reason why I'm unsure if I fit the criteria for a personality disorder because there's this unseen guidelines, as if I have to take a drug or fail multiple suicide attempts. That's unhealthy and stigmatic bullshit. There have been times when I've felt short of something that causes me to resort to suicidal thinking. I go through periods of self-hatred even if it sounds like I'm joking, even though I'm probably not. I feel there's a right and wrong way to display signs of disorder and it makes me feel like an idiot. Why can't I just be normal about it, why does everything I say feel like a joke I just heard. Am I numb to my own feelings? I wouldn't doubt it, especially since I have no relatives or friends who are there to take me seriously which I know can be dangerous. I wish I didn't feel this way.

P.S.

I'm in my twenties, is this still treatable despite early symptoms and a late diagnosis?
 
Billy91

Billy91

Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
24
Location
Billingham, uk
I got diagnosed in my twenties, better late than never dude. And I have literally said to my therapist, "I don't deserve the help" and her answer? If I didn't deserve i wouldn't be getting it. Maybe I'm misreading what your saying and I apologise if I am but if your anything like me then you may be feeling self doubt because you don't feel you truly deserve the help. And that's causing a lot more self doubt, but these are professionals and they wouldn't spend the time on you if you weren't I need.

I don't know if Im helping right now but at first glance you just sound like me and I want you to know you DO deserve the help. You ARE worth this dude.
Self doubt is completely natural in this situation. But you need to prioritise yourself bud.

Best wishes, truly.
 
SicklyBloom

SicklyBloom

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
137
Location
USA
Sorry for the late reply.

Thank you for your support, unfortunately I'm a female who's finally being treated for this. I was mistaken for bipolar and had several sporadic episodes of depression, which weren't manic. I honestly can't recall a time where I haven't felt confusion/self-doubt. Hopefully, these feelings of interrogation will go away, but they've been at their worst peak yet. I don't know if it's common (regardless of gender) for psychiatrists/therapists to confuse symptoms with other disorders, I just don't want feel alone is all.
 
Billy91

Billy91

Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2020
Messages
24
Location
Billingham, uk
I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and then bipolar before they figured out it was schizotypal. It took acouple of years to get that diagnosis. Also ive met other people whove said the same thing. Its easy to confuse some mental illnesses with others.
Dont feel alone though dude, i garuntee, whatever your going through someone else has or likely is going through it too. This world just sucks.
 
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