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Is this abuse? Another rant

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Amethystgrey9999

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Joined
Feb 7, 2021
Messages
27
Location
New york
TRIGGER WARNING: possible sexual abuse and physical abuse

This is my second rant in 2 days, this is going to be short.

This one is about my mom. My mom has had really bad anger issues, but even if she and I have a lot of fights I know she loves me. But recently, I realized there was something she used to do that now, looking back, kinda seemed so bad(?). My mom liked to joke around by touching my private area when I was younger (I had clothes on) , it was her way of "joking". It used to make me so angry. You know that feeling that when someone touches you, it like sticks and you want to rip your skin apart because that feeling won't just go away. And every time I would fight back she'd either flaunt herself in a teasing way, like "you can touch me too", or we'd get into full blown fight (that includes kicking, hair pulling, idk). My mom liked showing me that she loved me by aggressively kissing me, or she'd shove her whole body on to me (I'm kinda underweight and my mom's on the chubbier side). It never occurred to me that it might be sexual harrasment, until a couple of months back, when she did it again and I went into a full blown rage attack, and I just kept hitting myself repeatedly. I know she means it as a joke. I've told her that I don't like being touched, but then she starts crying and saying that I don't love her anymore. I remember googling signs that a child is being sexually abused, and I could've sworn 8 year old could relate to a lot of it. My mom keeps bringing up how I used to love being touched when I was younger while sleeping, but back then I was so scared of the dark, I couldn't sleep unless I had physical contact of some sort. But for some reason if my dad was home, it would go away, so it stopped when my dad stopped working graveyard shifts. Since then I hate it when people try to touch me when I sleep. But my mom still does it, and then when I push her away, she'll say that " I'm not doing anything wrong" , or, "you've changed", or she'll start hitting me. I'm honestly confused, because I know she means it as a joke. She used to choke me when I was young, and stare at me creepily while I was laughing and then just kiss me aggressively on the cheek, and I used to kick her away. It wasn't until recently that I realized that I sometimes find physical contact from my mom so repulsive. I guess that's what sets both my parents apart, my dad used to give me the silent treatment, while my mom loves to obsess over me. I sometimes feel like my mom is trying to live vicariously through me. Like I'm her doll/punching bag. She can go from treating me like a princess to just sheer aggression. This memory of my grandmom covering me in a blanket, and me screaming "I can't breathe" keeps coming back to me. My mom probably went through so much shit, and I'm terrified I'm slowly turning like her. I am mother's support system, she vents to me most of the time, and that's what I do whenever my mom and I have a violent fight. I feel bad for the people who had to hear the same thing over and over again.

So my question is; is this sexual abuse?

I just can't wait to get out of here, but I genuinely feel like I'm going to keep coming back here.

Ahhh this ended up being a long rant.

Thanks for listening.
 
C

celticlass

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May 7, 2011
Messages
915
Location
Scotland
I would say yes it was sexual and emotional abuse. I am sorry that happened to you.
 
Miho

Miho

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Feb 13, 2021
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274
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Netherlands
This sounds like a terrible experience. One you would not want anyone to have to go through.
I too would say yes to sexual and emotional abuse. And you still live there?
 
T

toto

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Dec 4, 2020
Messages
930
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My story is similar to yours. After much deliberation, I attributed it to a lack of upbringing. I guess he loves children? I think this corrupts the child somewhat. However, knowing how she lived, I pulled away from her a little, but I'm not angry with her. Just something ill-considered. I told her what others thought about it and she didn't do it anymore.
 
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toto

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Because I'm obviously not an isolated case ... just such parents have to have 1 meeting with a psychologist to see things from a different angle. My mother is very hardworking. Although he lives on little money, he manages to set aside a large amount of gifts for the children each year. He is a very organized person, he would laugh at most of those here who are depressed. Although she is alone, she must sweep, clean and do her hair every day. I would advise you to go to a therapist if you are not. The first time someone stood by my side, I was relieved. And that's actually part of my remission, maybe.
 
A

Aurelius

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Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
370
Sorry that you have been going through this for so long. Yes it is definite abuse. I thought I should look up definitions from New York - given your location.


The following definitions are from New York State Social Services Law Section 473 (Adult Protective Services):

Physical Abuse Non-accidental use of force that results in bodily injury, pain, or impairment. This includes, but is not limited to, being slapped, burned, cut, bruised, or improperly physically restrained.

Sexual Abuse Non-consensual sexual contact of any kind. This includes, but is not limited to, forcing sexual contact with self or forcing sexual contact with another person.

Emotional Abuse Willful infliction of mental or emotional anguish by threat, humiliation, intimidation or other abusive conduct. This includes, but is not limited to, isolating or frightening an adult.



What is Child Abuse/Neglect?

The Family Court Act of the state of New York defines child neglect or abuse as the act, or failure to act, by any parent or caretaker that results in the death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse, or exploitation of a child under the age of 18.

Child Abuse

  • Child physical abuse occurs when a parent or caretaker inflicts or allows someone to inflict serious physical injury other than by accidental means.
  • This includes, but is not limited to, shaking, beating, biting, kicking, punching, and burning. It is also considered abuse if a parent creates a condition or allows the condition to be created, that leads to a child becoming the victim of serious physical injury.
  • Child sexual abuse includes incest, rape, obscene sexual performance, fondling a child’s genitals, intercourse, sodomy, and any other contact such as exposing a child to sexual activity, or commercial sexual exploitation such as prostitution of a minor or production of pornographic materials involving a minor.

Child Neglect

Neglect is defined as the failure of a parent or caretaker to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision to the degree that the child’s health, safety, and well-being are threatened with harm. Some examples include:

  • Failure to support a child’s educational needs either by keeping a child home from school for unexcused reasons or not following up with a child’s educational needs despite the school’s outreach to the parent or caretaker.
  • Failure to provide adequate food, clothing, or shelter.
  • Failure to provide medical or mental health care (including drug abuse services).
  • Leaving a child alone who is not developmentally able to be left alone without adequate supervision.
  • Leaving a child with someone without establishing a plan for the provision for food, clothing, education, or medical care.
  • Leaving a child with someone that does not have the ability to appropriately supervise or protect the child.
  • Subjecting a child to humiliation, fear, verbal terror, or extreme criticism.
  • Using corporal punishment beyond what is objectionably reasonable and it results in the physical or emotional harm of a child.
  • Exposing a child to family violence.
  • Parent or caretaker using drugs to the point of not being able to adequately take care of a child.
  • Keeping, manufacturing, or selling drugs in the presence of a child, or giving drugs to a child.


I think you should try to work out how you can start to protect yourself. You deserve to be treated and to treat yourself better than this.
 
T

toto

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Okay, but if your parents come from a bad environment, they can't be perfect. My mother hardly beat me (only twice). She is beaten every day. This shows that she has changed her upbringing. And it's just a matter of rethinking. In addition, it is difficult to raise a child. Also, with this sexual culture, porn .. a little difficult to establish normal relationships. And from there it becomes difficult to raise the child. If anyone was interested, there would be no porn at first.
 
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toto

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Messages
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Emotional violence ... if the US government is worried about the welfare of its nation, there should be no poor children. Because this is also an emotional trauma - to live in poverty. When a parent is threatened with a lawsuit for such a joke ... his story must be taken into account, whether he changed anything in his upbringing because he did not like the attitude of his own parents ... because you can hurt someone who still he tried to be good. But I've never been kicked. For me, this is a sign of a very bad upbringing.
 
T

toto

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Messages
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München
On the other hand, a child knows how to derail his parents. You can't stay smiling if you haven't slept through the night for days. In my case - plus constant scandals, distorted relationships with my husband. I don't think anyone has any idea what's next when they have children. With this no law, hasn't anyone here mentioned that a large proportion of children in the United States are in foster care? I would oblige the parents to psychotherapy, not take their children.
 
T

toto

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Joined
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Messages
930
Location
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In general, if you inform the parent that this is wrong and he continues to behave in this way with the child, forbidding him to share with other people ... this is a real sexual crime. Otherwise I would attribute it to a lack of upbringing / mental disorder ... subject to psychotherapy, not child deprivation! Because man is like a parrot. Everyone copies their mother or father or is the complete opposite, but there is still a structure to follow (I will be the complete opposite of my parents, for example). Criticizing the US system makes me paranoid. :D
 
M

MHFPokeplantz

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 17, 2021
Messages
99
Location
Brazil
Sorry that you have been going through this for so long. Yes it is definite abuse. I thought I should look up definitions from New York - given your location.


The following definitions are from New York State Social Services Law Section 473 (Adult Protective Services):

Physical Abuse Non-accidental use of force that results in bodily injury, pain, or impairment. This includes, but is not limited to, being slapped, burned, cut, bruised, or improperly physically restrained.

Sexual Abuse Non-consensual sexual contact of any kind. This includes, but is not limited to, forcing sexual contact with self or forcing sexual contact with another person.

Emotional Abuse Willful infliction of mental or emotional anguish by threat, humiliation, intimidation or other abusive conduct. This includes, but is not limited to, isolating or frightening an adult.



What is Child Abuse/Neglect?

The Family Court Act of the state of New York defines child neglect or abuse as the act, or failure to act, by any parent or caretaker that results in the death, serious physical or emotional harm, sexual abuse, or exploitation of a child under the age of 18.

Child Abuse

  • Child physical abuse occurs when a parent or caretaker inflicts or allows someone to inflict serious physical injury other than by accidental means.
  • This includes, but is not limited to, shaking, beating, biting, kicking, punching, and burning. It is also considered abuse if a parent creates a condition or allows the condition to be created, that leads to a child becoming the victim of serious physical injury.
  • Child sexual abuse includes incest, rape, obscene sexual performance, fondling a child’s genitals, intercourse, sodomy, and any other contact such as exposing a child to sexual activity, or commercial sexual exploitation such as prostitution of a minor or production of pornographic materials involving a minor.

Child Neglect

Neglect is defined as the failure of a parent or caretaker to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, medical care, or supervision to the degree that the child’s health, safety, and well-being are threatened with harm. Some examples include:

  • Failure to support a child’s educational needs either by keeping a child home from school for unexcused reasons or not following up with a child’s educational needs despite the school’s outreach to the parent or caretaker.
  • Failure to provide adequate food, clothing, or shelter.
  • Failure to provide medical or mental health care (including drug abuse services).
  • Leaving a child alone who is not developmentally able to be left alone without adequate supervision.
  • Leaving a child with someone without establishing a plan for the provision for food, clothing, education, or medical care.
  • Leaving a child with someone that does not have the ability to appropriately supervise or protect the child.
  • Subjecting a child to humiliation, fear, verbal terror, or extreme criticism.
  • Using corporal punishment beyond what is objectionably reasonable and it results in the physical or emotional harm of a child.
  • Exposing a child to family violence.
  • Parent or caretaker using drugs to the point of not being able to adequately take care of a child.
  • Keeping, manufacturing, or selling drugs in the presence of a child, or giving drugs to a child.


I think you should try to work out how you can start to protect yourself. You deserve to be treated and to treat yourself better than this.
Omg very good the research you did (not my thread though, just reassuring)
Hope there are more ppl like you!!
 
M

MHFPokeplantz

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Joined
Feb 17, 2021
Messages
99
Location
Brazil
Okay, but if your parents come from a bad environment, they can't be perfect. My mother hardly beat me (only twice). She is beaten every day. This shows that she has changed her upbringing. And it's just a matter of rethinking. In addition, it is difficult to raise a child. Also, with this sexual culture, porn .. a little difficult to establish normal relationships. And from there it becomes difficult to raise the child. If anyone was interested, there would be no porn at first.
Agree, glad you have this vision
 
M

MHFPokeplantz

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 17, 2021
Messages
99
Location
Brazil
Emotional violence ... if the US government is worried about the welfare of its nation, there should be no poor children. Because this is also an emotional trauma - to live in poverty. When a parent is threatened with a lawsuit for such a joke ... his story must be taken into account, whether he changed anything in his upbringing because he did not like the attitude of his own parents ... because you can hurt someone who still he tried to be good. But I've never been kicked. For me, this is a sign of a very bad upbringing.
Agree w this too:grouphug:
 
T

toto

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Joined
Dec 4, 2020
Messages
930
Location
München
I also thought I was shredding. But the management is getting used to it. Now it occurred to me why exactly. When he does not put a sexual context into his behavior, even if they say in the news that touching is sexual harassment, this will be ignored simply because the person does not have a sexual context, but instead considers it funny. If it is specified that this type of behavior arouses suspicions in the child that he is a victim of sexual harassment, only then may it affect the parent.
 
M

MHFPokeplantz

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Joined
Feb 17, 2021
Messages
99
Location
Brazil
I just can't wait to get out of here, but I genuinely feel like I'm going to keep coming back here.
U mean here in your house, or here in the forum? (Sorry if its obvious though)

And for the rant at least BY ME and some ppl it is GOOD that you feel free to rant or "write out" your mind when you need or feel like, cause it both helps other ppl who can/may relate to (worth reminding its posted in internet, so IN THE NEXT YEARS some ppl may read this and other threads, and it be what they d need to read), and also helps YOOOU to get some relieve
 

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