Is this a sign of something other than anxiety and depression?

Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#1
I was kind of spiritual/religious when this horrible episode of anxiety came about in October of last year. I wasn’t very religious really but I used to have a bit of connection or in a time of need I turn to praying.

Being a good husband was an ethic and a principle. I stayed away from talking to women and kept to myself.

Since being on Escitalopram and feeling better, I am not me. I feel like I misseg so much. I feel I want to be free to do things that before I thought it will send the wrong message to my son and daughters.

An ex girlfriend, knowing that I am married with kids, had tracked me on Facebook and decided to keep in touch.

We’ve been talking for at least 3 months. I tried to cut her off many times saying to myself I can’t do this. It’s not fair to my wife. I even started few arguments with my x hoping that she blocks me and never talk to me again. It didn’t work.

I went from someone who doesn’t go out at all to someone making plans to travel with another woman to have fun.

This has been bothering me so much.
Why are s this happening? I used to enjoy religious/spiritual discussions and debates. Now, I don’t even want any reminder of religion.
Has anyone experienced a similar situation?
 
claude

claude

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#2
Do you have any history or family history of mania Hopeful? I wonder if it is possible that the anti depressant is sending you a bit high, which can make people behave more recklessly.

If you are making plans to have an affair or go travelling with this woman without your wife knowledge and blessings then, I personally, think you should explain to her that you cannot stay in touch and then block her on all platforms. For your own sake as well as the sake of your family as I think this is something that you very well may come to regret. I think that this escapism you are seeking will ultimately harm you and potentially your whole family should it come to light.

Reading your post I wondered if there is not a third way that would be more beneficial to you between these two modes of dutiful and restrained husband/father and the escapism with this other woman you are planning now?

Would it not be possible to have more fun within your family? Could you and your wife go away just the two of you and have a taste of escapism? And do you need to be so very controlled to set a good example for your kids all the time? An important part of growing up is learning that people are fallible, they make mistakes, they get tired, they behave ridiculously sometimes. I applaud your desire to set a good example for your kids but maybe a good-enough example is just as healthy and gives you more room to enjoy yourself and your life.

Sorry I know you were asking for similar experiences and instead I've given you advice that you might not be after! It is just my two cents!

I have never cheated on a partner but I have had an affair with someone who had a long term partner. It is my biggest regret and I cannot look back without sadness, guilt and shame at that whole period of my life, including the run up to the affair. Coming to terms with what I had been a part of was devastating to me as I had previously always aimed to be a kind person as best I could. The fall out on mental health after the high and love is over is intense
 
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Fallingfromthetop

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#4
I think this other woman can offer short term excitement and what not, if you would see her. A "new" thing is always fresh. But give it a few meets, or a longer meet and shit will start hit the fan and the new thing isn't as "green" as it first was, and you will just have traded in much more anxiety for a short taste of fresh. If you even consider breaking up from your current life and moving on such thoughts should be totally independent from a particular woman that just offers some escapism.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#5
Hi @claude

I really appreciate your response and advice. No need to apologize.

Actually, you shed more light on this issue than me with my poor English 🙂.

Escapism is exactly what I find with this woman especially when I am anxious. She’s been a very good distraction.

I am still home bound. Leaving the house is a task and struggle. She’s pushing me to travel again.

There’s something that I’ve been doing since talking to her. I’m using a phone number through google voice. Most days when I am talking to her, the moment I get bored, I just close the tab. The next day, I tell her I lost internet connection. She still think that I am out of the country. I know I lied to her and told her I was out of the country in a previous attempt to cut her off.

It’s not about lust at all. The medication I’m on had made sexual desires vanish. There’s no excitement at all. She’s providing me with a challenge, I can say. A challenge into a stale boring life.

Being away from the kids in very difficult. We can’t leave them with anyone. I have hard time trusting anyone with my kids.?

My wife an I have zero quality time. We are like 2 friends living together. We both are on our mobile devices almost all the time. We barely speak but we do respect each other so much.

I know what I am doing isn’t right. It’s just the thrill and excitement and distraction is too much to stay away from.

Sometimes I even say to myself that I am a bad person. I should stay away and just cut her off.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#7
I think this other woman can offer short term excitement and what not, if you would see her. A "new" thing is always fresh. But give it a few meets, or a longer meet and shit will start hit the fan and the new thing isn't as "green" as it first was, and you will just have traded in much more anxiety for a short taste of fresh. If you even consider breaking up from your current life and moving on such thoughts should be totally independent from a particular woman that just offers some escapism.
I agree with you can’t completely.
My family and living situation is very stable at this time. Everything is peaceful and my wife is a very understanding and supportive person but not when it comes to other women 😁.

I love my family and my kids to death. There’s no way that I want to break up from my family. No woman in this world is worth giving up my beautiful family for.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#8
And do you need to be so very controlled to set a good example for your kids all the time? An important part of growing up is learning that people are fallible, they make mistakes, they get tired, they behave ridiculously sometimes. I applaud your desire to set a good example for your kids but maybe a good-enough example is just as healthy and gives you more room to enjoy yourself and your life.
This a cultural practice that’s implanted in my mind. I’ve tried to change my ways but I can’t. My kids have to see me as a role model. With that, I am not very controlling or strict.

About mania, I am not sure but this behavior is an ongoing thing as far as I can remember.
I’ve even gotten in trouble a few times for how reckless my decisions were.

There were times when out of no where I just start praying and being very calm. And out of nowhere I just quit everything and just do as I like.

Before, I thought it was normal behavior and I was young. I thought as I grow up, things will calm down. I am 39 and I should focus on my family and how to raise a healthy family.

By the way, I don’t get my family involved in any of my craziness and I have a very stable and peaceful positive life at home.

My apologies for the earlier replies. I was half asleep when I replied.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#10
You will feel like slugging me after I say this, I know how I felt when it was said to me, but it has truth in it. As far as breaking things off. YODA quote: Either do or do not, there is no try.
That’s very true and I don’t feel the need to slug you at all 🙂.

My issue isn’t this woman in particular.
It’s the never ending cycle of being good then being bad, being then being bad........At points, I feel I never grew up.
 

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