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Is this a "checking" compulsion" or have I taken some "next step"?

M

Macckles342

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Aug 30, 2021
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Germany
So I think I have harmOCD and I'm scared I'm going to harm my brother. I honestly love him more than anything and would never do anything. We've been closer than ever before and before all this I was the happiest I've ever been. Basically I'm scared I'm gonna do something to him. I've had only thoughts about "what if I harm him / Kill him" etc. Anyway, we've been building some furniture recently and once I felt a compulsion to hold the hammer to see if I would get an urge to do something but I never caved in and did anything. So yesterday I'm having quite a bad day and just wanted to be done with this OCD BS in general ad I feel it's ruining my life. So we're outside and we're are building something. He passes me the hammer and whilst I didn't freeze, I just put it down rather quickly. Then I thought "you know what I'm done being scared of this" and held it again near him to basically see if I would get the urge. It was half to see if I would get the urge and half because i felt it was also avoidant of me to just put the hammer down quickly when I wouldn't normally do that. It was quite an impulsive thing. I got quite anxious and I saw my brother with his head down towards me and I thought "what if I do it???". I didn't get any urges to do anything, just anxiety. I put it down and carried on.

Now I'm freaking out that I've taken some "next step" by acting on this compulsion. Previously it was all just in my mind and now I feel like I've done some horrible thing because I acted on something and made a movement to DO something, even if it was just to check a compulsion.

Im also reading imp of the mind and in chapter 3 he mentions a guy who he kinda suspected would act on his thoughts, one of the reasons being he pointed an rifle at his parents to show that he wouldn't do it. When I read that I freaked out. He mentions that the main reason he felt this person may do something was because he was angry and didn't show remorse (whereas I'm freaking out and feeling really guilty).

Have I done something wrong? I know logically it was just a compulsion to check if I would get the urge but I feel like I've just taken some next step to actually doing something. I feel really disgusted with myself.

Can anyone offer any advice? Is this normal?
 
M

Macckles342

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Germany
Does anyone have any advice? I'm really struggling with this.
 
B

BlueWater

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Go see a therapist. It sounds like OCD, but the fact that you're picking up a tool that can harm someone to see if the urge is there is not good. I don't test my obsessions. They come on their own because of the chaos of an OCD mind. I fight the compulsions and I think you should, too. If you're testing out your compulsions, you really need professional help and perhaps medicinal intervention. Also, you don't want to turn the hammer or knife on yourself then that becomes a matter where you've self-harmed and have to be admitted to a hospital.
 
M

Macckles342

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Germany
Go see a therapist. It sounds like OCD, but the fact that you're picking up a tool that can harm someone to see if the urge is there is not good. I don't test my obsessions. They come on their own because of the chaos of an OCD mind. I fight the compulsions and I think you should, too. If you're testing out your compulsions, you really need professional help and perhaps medicinal intervention. Also, you don't want to turn the hammer or knife on yourself then that becomes a matter where you've self-harmed and have to be admitted to a hospital.

Thanks for your reply. I'm already looking for therapists.in my area and will begin asap.

I should clarify, as I couldn't edit the original message, that It wasn't just a compulsion check, but that I didn't want to any longer succumb to this fear and avoid handling tools near my brother. I would never have avoided doing so before all this, and I was frustrated that my life has changed so drastically because of these intrusive thoughts.

Im feeling a lot of shame and guilt after this has happened and it's a lot for me to process.

Like many people here I would never harm myself or another. Still therapy is needed and thats the next course or action.
 
B

BlueWater

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Thanks for your reply. I'm already looking for therapists.in my area and will begin asap.

I should clarify, as I couldn't edit the original message, that It wasn't just a compulsion check, but that I didn't want to any longer succumb to this fear and avoid handling tools near my brother. I would never have avoided doing so before all this, and I was frustrated that my life has changed so drastically because of these intrusive thoughts.

Im feeling a lot of shame and guilt after this has happened and it's a lot for me to process.

Like many people here I would never harm myself or another. Still therapy is needed and thats the next course or action.
Therapy is the right thing to do. You're not a bad person. OCD makes doubt ourselves and live in fear of uncertainty.
 
A

Archipelago

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Jul 30, 2021
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When you ask "is this normal", I think it's very normal for the OCD part of the mind to catastrophize the situation and think "Oh no, I've passed the point of no return. No going back from here." When OCD-thinking is really activated, it feels like the worst possible thing is going to happen, and there's no way out. It's a really powerful illusion, but an illusion nonetheless. There are many new mothers with OCD who are terrified they're going to kill their own babies, whether intentionally or through neglect. Your story is just like theirs, except it's with your brother.

I think seeing a good therapist will be really helpful. I recommend seeing one who specializes in OCD. People with OCD are extremely aware of their thoughts and actions, and are acutely aware that the scary thoughts are not at all what they want to carry out (like harming your brother, in your case). This is very different from people having psychotic/manic episodes where they lose touch with reality. An OCD-trained therapist will be able to understand where you're at much quicker than a general therapist.
 
B

BlueWater

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When you ask "is this normal", I think it's very normal for the OCD part of the mind to catastrophize the situation and think "Oh no, I've passed the point of no return. No going back from here." When OCD-thinking is really activated, it feels like the worst possible thing is going to happen, and there's no way out. It's a really powerful illusion, but an illusion nonetheless. There are many new mothers with OCD who are terrified they're going to kill their own babies, whether intentionally or through neglect. Your story is just like theirs, except it's with your brother.

I think seeing a good therapist will be really helpful. I recommend seeing one who specializes in OCD. People with OCD are extremely aware of their thoughts and actions, and are acutely aware that the scary thoughts are not at all what they want to carry out (like harming your brother, in your case). This is very different from people having psychotic/manic episodes where they lose touch with reality. An OCD-trained therapist will be able to understand where you're at much quicker than a general therapist.
"Accutely aware that the scary thoughts are not at all what they want..." sums it up so well. My mind feels like a horror show of worrisome what-if's. When I've had what I'd call an OCD flare with my counselor I do sort of feel like I lost touch with reality. I'll look back days later on that one hour with her and wonder who I was. Anxiety is that bad sometimes.
 
O

Ocean117

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This sounds like a classic case of just checking the thought ! That’s your compulsion ! You were checking to see if you wanted to do the thought as it felt so real and you needed to make sure as much as you could :) it happens more then you think and you weren’t going to hurt him but wanted to make sure you wouldn’t !!
 
O

Ocean117

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Not advised tho not because I think you’ll harm him but because it made you feel worse like any compulsion does
 
O

Ocean117

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@Ocean117@Macckles342 This sounds like a classic case of just checking the thought ! That’s your compulsion ! You were checking to see if you wanted to do the thought as it felt so real and you needed to make sure as much as you could :) it happens more then you think and you weren’t going to hurt him but wanted to make sure you wouldn’t !!
 
3

3howards

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P.a
M,

There are terrible people out there who kill for the enjoyment of it, they love suffering and death.... kill family members over greed and jealousies.. evil.... in its purest form...

You have text book ocd .. a chemical imbalance that is creating these irrational fears.... murderers don’t worry that they may hurt or kill people....

Your a good soul... with a mental illness, so what, a mental illness is no different than having diabetes, it’s an illness .. period....

I’m 56, and feared of killing and maiming family members years ago.... it never happened , you will never harm your brother.. take it from 3 decades of this ocd b.s....

After I learned I had ocd and these thoughts and fears were created by a chemical imbalance, lack of serotonin I think it is? I felt no fear anymore, and ocd violent images faded away.... well, because there’s no cure for it, they would take a shot at me from time to time....

Ocd violent images remained mostly dormant for 20 years or so.... but a few years back I had a cat named Leopold, sweetest creature on the Earth.... it’s in a cats nature to hunt, and kill mice.... but I swear, I believe he wouldn’t hurt a mouse, I found him on the streets.... always was happy, if I did nothing else in this life I got that good soul off the streets, and out of harms way.... he was too kindly to be out there, or suffer....

Every once in a while when I would walk by him I would picture stabbing him....

Wow!, I would think .. ocd freaking rose from the dead to attack me on this!....if it wasn’t so disturbing it would almost be laughable.... I never worried for a second I would hurt him.. it’s b.s....

You won’t ever hurt your brother..... you did not go to far.... there’s a legion of lunatics and evil people out there maiming, raping, molesting and killing and that’s exactly what they want to do, your not one of them, not in a million years....

Have some peace brother, take the word of ocd for decades....

Go build some furniture with your bro’

Threehowards
 
O

Ocean117

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2022
Messages
50
Location
Australia
M,

There are terrible people out there who kill for the enjoyment of it, they love suffering and death.... kill family members over greed and jealousies.. evil.... in its purest form...

You have text book ocd .. a chemical imbalance that is creating these irrational fears.... murderers don’t worry that they may hurt or kill people....

Your a good soul... with a mental illness, so what, a mental illness is no different than having diabetes, it’s an illness .. period....

I’m 56, and feared of killing and maiming family members years ago.... it never happened , you will never harm your brother.. take it from 3 decades of this ocd b.s....

After I learned I had ocd and these thoughts and fears were created by a chemical imbalance, lack of serotonin I think it is? I felt no fear anymore, and ocd violent images faded away.... well, because there’s no cure for it, they would take a shot at me from time to time....

Ocd violent images remained mostly dormant for 20 years or so.... but a few years back I had a cat named Leopold, sweetest creature on the Earth.... it’s in a cats nature to hunt, and kill mice.... but I swear, I believe he wouldn’t hurt a mouse, I found him on the streets.... always was happy, if I did nothing else in this life I got that good soul off the streets, and out of harms way.... he was too kindly to be out there, or suffer....

Every once in a while when I would walk by him I would picture stabbing him....

Wow!, I would think .. ocd freaking rose from the dead to attack me on this!....if it wasn’t so disturbing it would almost be laughable.... I never worried for a second I would hurt him.. it’s b.s....

You won’t ever hurt your brother..... you did not go to far.... there’s a legion of lunatics and evil people out there maiming, raping, molesting and killing and that’s exactly what they want to do, your not one of them, not in a million years....

Have some peace brother, take the word of ocd for decades....

Go build some furniture with your bro’

Threehowards
God bless you ! I’m glad you are freed
 
O

Ocean117

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2022
Messages
50
Location
Australia
Go see a therapist. It sounds like OCD, but the fact that you're picking up a tool that can harm someone to see if the urge is there is not good. I don't test my obsessions. They come on their own because of the chaos of an OCD mind. I fight the compulsions and I think you should, too. If you're testing out your compulsions, you really need professional help and perhaps medicinal intervention. Also, you don't want to turn the hammer or knife on yourself then that becomes a matter where you've self-harmed and have to be admitted to a hospital.
She wasn’t going to do anything she was just trying to make sure and remind herself she wasn’t . Just a different compulsion to the one you have probably .
 
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