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Is there something wrong with me?

Topcat

Topcat

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My eldest daughter officially moved out in the new year, I still have 3 children at home. My mother in law phoned this morning for a catch up and asked if I was "missing R terribly?". But honestly I'm not. I don't miss her, that doesn't mean I'm pleased she moved out either, I don't really have any feelings about it. She moved out, she's not dead. We're still contacting each other regularly. She's only about 15 miles away. I don't miss physically seeing her. Does that mean I don't love her normally?
Of course I lied/avoided answering directly as it's not socially acceptable to say no.

My own mother was the same. She didn't seem to have any feelings about me or my brothers moving out. I felt she was glad we were gone really, not in a bad way but she wasn't a maternal kind of mother and I know she never really wanted children. I didn't think I was much like her, but maybe I am. The differences being my mother didn't show much emotion and I didn't get told "I love you" or have hugs, I couldn't go to either parent with an emotional problem, my mum didn't really know what to do if I was upset, so I didn't bother even though I was a fairly emotional and sensitive kid who needed it.

I'm not sure I know what love feels like (apart from the supercharged kind that is more like infatuation I suppose). If I don't miss my kids when they're gone, is that normal if I do love them?
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Topcat, you just sound practical to me, hon.

You haven't got empty nest syndrome with three children at home...you still have a great relationship with your daughter...she's happy and safe...all sounds incredibly healthy and normal to me. :hug:
 
Topcat

Topcat

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Topcat, you just sound practical to me, hon.

You haven't got empty nest syndrome with three children at home...you still have a great relationship with your daughter...she's happy and safe...all sounds incredibly healthy and normal to me. :hug:
Thank you :hug:
My mum is entirely practical, not emotional at all, I think I'm a bit of both but I don't express my emotions very well. I was just worried that maybe I didn't even feel any of the normal ones. Other people seem to when I see FB posts and such about missing people, or being excited over something, but I don't seem to have the same feelings.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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When my son went away for a week in Year 6, it was the first time we had EVER been apart. Other parents were sobbing as the coach pulled away and "going crazy" all week without a phone call. I love him with all my heart but didn't miss him. I knew he was having a ball and he'd be back soon enough...I had a great week on my own going out and about for a change. I think it's healthy, Topcat. We're parenting to rear healthy adults - shouldn't be dependent on our children or living through them.

I love people but I like my own space and enjoy alone time. Maybe that makes us seem odd to other people. xxx
 
Lavender_Rose

Lavender_Rose

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I'm not a parent but I think it's normal. And like lunar lady said you still have kids at home so it not like you have the empty nest syndrome. I still live at home and honeslty I think my mom would be happy in some ways when I leave. Especially if I was still close and we were still in contact. I'm a bit of a loner so when I take a vacation or something I dont really "miss" my friends. I enjoy having a little space sometimes. Doesnt mean I'm not happy to see them.
 
Topcat

Topcat

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I still think there's something wrong with me. It was my birthday yesterday so my eldest daughter came over, first time I've seen her since March. I gave her hugs when she got here, not because I really felt like hugging her but it seemed like what I should be doing. Smiling and hugging and saying the right things.
I had walked the dog and popped to the shop in the morning and had bumped into a few people and had to stop and talk and be sociable like you do, then when I got home my in-laws had turned up so I couldn't make my now Iate breakfast, I had to sit and talk to them too. Then as they left my daughter arrived.
It was nice to see her I suppose, but honestly I don't really think I had any feelings about anything other than I was sick of talking to people and having to smile and be polite. Slightly annoyed that the few plans I had for the day were ruined because people just turn up when they want so I have to stop what I'm doing for them.
I'm just glad it didn't feel awkward talking to my daughter after not seeing her for months, it was easy to chat and nice after a while once I'd got over the fact my plans weren't happening and I relaxed a bit.
I feel kind of dead inside. I have negative emotions of sadness and fear perhaps. But I don't think I feel anything else other than dog tired of it all.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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I still think there's something wrong with me. It was my birthday yesterday so my eldest daughter came over, first time I've seen her since March. I gave her hugs when she got here, not because I really felt like hugging her but it seemed like what I should be doing. Smiling and hugging and saying the right things.
I had walked the dog and popped to the shop in the morning and had bumped into a few people and had to stop and talk and be sociable like you do, then when I got home my in-laws had turned up so I couldn't make my now Iate breakfast, I had to sit and talk to them too. Then as they left my daughter arrived.
It was nice to see her I suppose, but honestly I don't really think I had any feelings about anything other than I was sick of talking to people and having to smile and be polite. Slightly annoyed that the few plans I had for the day were ruined because people just turn up when they want so I have to stop what I'm doing for them.
I'm just glad it didn't feel awkward talking to my daughter after not seeing her for months, it was easy to chat and nice after a while once I'd got over the fact my plans weren't happening and I relaxed a bit.
I feel kind of dead inside. I have negative emotions of sadness and fear perhaps. But I don't think I feel anything else other than dog tired of it all.
I had post-natal depression after my son was born. It went under the radar for a long time because I was a high-functioning super-mum and people naturally associate depression with lethargy and reduced activity. I tended to my baby's every need but I felt emotionally numb - my responses were ferociously protective and caring but I couldn't feel any love. He was almost two before clinical depression was diagnosed. I can vividly remember holding him in my arms in the garden one day and he plucked a leaf from a tree and stroked my face with it - all chubby and grinning. It was as if a pane of glass shattered between us and for the first time I felt swamped with the sensation of love and emotion.

I think the numbness you describe is very similar and I wonder if you have clinical depression that is making you emotionally flat line - you're clearly concerned by it so it would be worth talking to a doctor. x
 
Lance__

Lance__

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If you were a sensitive kid raised by an emotionally unavailable parent you may have suffered childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and buried your feelings deep down inside you, maybe that's why you feel like dead inside. Another possibility is that you may have dissociated your emotions and that's why you don't feel much. But if you were very sensitive as a kid and now you are like a stone, it tells me that your emotions are in you, but very hidden and buried, because something similar happened to me, and I feel very identified with your story. I would suggest to start digging inside you, if you have a good therapist it would be helpful, and regain what is yours, your feelings, and your real Self.
Also, seems that you are having some difficulties with healthy boundaries. If you want to have your breakfast because it is late but your mother in law wants to talk, you have all the right to say 'I'm sorry but I'd like to have my breakfast now and alone', and if she gets upset, well that's her problem. But your life is yours. You don't have to do things to please others. That would not benefit you at all, and in the long term you will feel worse. Think instead in what YOU really want to do. Forget others. Your life is yours, and you are the most important element in your world.
:grouphug:

PD: check about CEN from Jonice Webbs, you may feel yourself identified
 
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