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Is there a problem with my personality?

N

napoleon

New member
Joined
Jul 27, 2018
Messages
1
Hello!
I am 24 years old male. From past 2-3 years, I am facing some serious issues but I am not able to figure out as to what is the exact problem with me.
1. From last 3 years, I am suffering from Sleeping Paralysis problem. It happens for around 2-3 weeks and then disappears for months. This has really created problems for me.
2. I suffer from night terrors. sometimes when i wake up, i find myself shaking of fear and pulling out my tongue with my hands.
3. I am unable to develop a proper sleeping pattern. Somedays i might sleep at 11pm while on other days i might end up waking till 5am in morning. This has affected my work.
4.I have problem of getting lost into thoughts. Like a person daydreams and i can waste even hours in a go without realizing. This thing has gotten out of my control.
5. I am a very reserved person who finds it hard to get along with new people
6. Everyone has fantasies but mine include violence. I imagine about violence or committing violence or murder in planned manner if somehow i had no family. I imagine if i had no family, i could easily get into this stuff. My sexual fetishes also include violence. I am fascinated by serial killers and such stuff that is generally considered bad and taboo.
7. I am confused with my sexual identity. I'm into women and had a gf in past. I'm not into men AT ALL. So by logic i must be straight. But it is complicated. I feel there is a feminine side in me as well. I have no words to express it. But putting exclusively into one category doesn't fit with me well. On surface i'm a well built man for world but i feel gender identities built by world are too rigid and that restricts freedom.

I am not a bad person at all. No can around me cannot even imagine as to what stuff goes in my mind. I love my family and friends and know that committing violence and such crimes would be wrong. I do not know if it is normal or just with me.
I think there is some problem with wiring in my brain. I have a really curious mind that gets attracted towards ideas like banishment of genders, violence and doing stuff that is yet to be explored.

I had never been on medications except being on anti-depressants for few months.

It would be really helpful if someone can help me to identify with my problems.
 
Last edited:
Cazcat

Cazcat

Well-known member
Staff Member on Leave
Joined
Sep 12, 2013
Messages
2,423
Hello and welcome to the forum,

No one on an online forum can diagnose you, the best person to talk to about it is your Dr. I take it that since you are on antidepressants you have talked to them about your concerns. It might also be worth asking about referal to a sleep specialist is your current medication doesn't help with your sleep (Not sleeping can be part of depression)

We all have unpleasant thoughts sometimes. The important thing is knowing that they are wrong and not acting on them. Sometimes these unpleasant thoughts can seem to take on a life of their own and cause us distress, there are techniques that can help you with these thoughts. Has your GP refered you for any therapy alongside the medication? If you are in the UK in a lot of areas you can self refer to IAPT for councelling/CBT etc.

In terms of gender, I think many people don't fit into the stereotypes society holds and that doesn't necessarily mean anything other than the stereotypes are wrong. Men can be sensitive, delecate, take care of their appearance, show emotions, do ballet, have manicures, wear dresses and still be straight men if that's what they want. Just like women can be tough, strong, play rugby, fix cars, wear trousers etc. In my opinion gender roles are out dated and harmful, but they are so engrained into society it's not easy escaping them, just think how long feminists have been fighting for these things to be accepted. I think that men are some years behind in terms of breaking away from the gender stereotypes but there's nothing to worry about if you don't fit into them, be the person that you want to be.
 
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