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Is that OCD or something another?

H

Harry_1504

New member
Joined
Jul 17, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Russia
Hello folks!

This is my story.
I am describing my situation and would like to generally understand approximately what is happening to me and how to be.

I am 21 years old. I am a student. I live with my mother and stepfather, my father died when I was 10 years old. Two years ago, I started having obsessive thoughts. Of course, as a child I was anxious, but I thought that by the age of 17 I could overcome all this. Since I started to play sports and lost weight.


At the age of 17, I met a girl and for a year we maintained a relationship at a distance. At 18, I fell in love with her very much. Seriously, for real. We began to live together with my girlfriend and my family. Naturally, I began to change. Somewhere he became more serious, from which he refused altogether. I even proposed to her. The plans were grandiose. I wanted more independence for myself and her, and not depend on my mother. And everything was in principle good with us. Yes, they swore, but there were never any global problems. The only thing, at one point I told her about some aspects of my past (which ones are written below). All of this made me feel ashamed and afraid. For some reason, I became at one point sure that if I didn't tell, then something would be bad. As a result, he told. She took it ... It's okay.


At the beginning of 2019, I decided to move to a new university. It was difficult for me, because my mother and grandmother put pressure on me. It was as if I was between a rock and a hard place. From my girlfriend, then for the first time I heard the phrase that "I am a weakling" and the like. This offended me very much and hurt me ...
I moved to a new university, but actually through force.


The most unpleasant things began to happen only later. In March. It all started with the fact that I suddenly began to seem "what beautiful girls around" and it seemed that I want them sexually. It seemed to be nothing like that, but then it caused me a wild state of guilt in front of my girlfriend. Then - trenchant. The image of my old classmate with whom we did not communicate at that time (when she was cute, but no more) began to pop up in my head. This alarmed me. Because even during lovemaking, this image was firmly in my head. I shared my concerns with my girlfriend, it was of course stupid, but I didn't know what to do ... In fact, I had to remove this image from my head, deliberately replacing it with another.
Further it gets worse. Some completely idiotic mental processes began, ala, but what if I don't love my girlfriend, and what if I love the one whose images I see. All this caused some kind of wild alarm. And then cry. Considering that I've never been so inclined. Then I started digging on the Internet about this topic, I love it, I don’t like it ... It gave me a panic attack. In gym. The very thought that I might not love, or love my girlfriend less, for me were terrible, disgusting and painful.
I began to constantly search the Internet for some articles, tests, about love. Obsessive thoughts that I do not love her just devoured me. I was terribly, disgustingly bad ... Scandals and tantrums began to accompany my life every day. My girlfriend was terrified. Mother did not want to hear. And friends were spinning at the temple ...
Then the second stage began. Since childhood, there has been a small sin behind me. I indulged in occasional viewing of homosexual pornography. At the same time, in real life, there are no attractions for men. From early childhood I liked girls. Well, deciding how to look like this, I got the idea
"Lord, am I gay ?!" Well, it began ... Since then, it periodically began to seem to me that I look at men incorrectly. This is alarming. Then again - articles, tests on orientation and the like ... And so these two obsessive thoughts replaced each other.
This theater of the absurd continued, but the result was natural - she left me. All this was wildly difficult, with scandals, hysterics. She also began to constantly insult and humiliate me. In the end, she left. And since then I have not been able to love anyone more than her.


Then, from time to time, thoughts began to arise (but passed away) that I could hurt someone, that I could lose control over myself, thoughts about immoral intimacy with my mother, that I could hurt my cat. In general, there are many examples. But everything is immoral. And wildly unpleasant.


Now this is not the case. It was a short period and passed.

Gradually, my condition became better, the intensity decreased, although it did not completely go away. At the end of last year, I decided to seek help from a doctor. The doctor gave the diagnosis - anxiety phobic disorder. He said that all this is from increased anxiety. Neurotic. Outcome: neurosis, OCD (the diagnosis, according to his words, is preliminary). Prescribed pills. Zoloft. He also said to look for a specialist in psychotherapy.


He began to take the pills a month later, as he was seriously ill with a sore throat. The effect is relative. It seems easier in some places, but it does not go away completely. Although, of course, the head has become clearer, but ... All this does not go away. But the frequency is less.


Then, too, there was all sorts of stupidity. It seems that I want to kiss my friend (I understand that this is nonsense, but creepy), for no reason, no reason. With my new girlfriend (I did not feel strong love for her, we parted as friends), there was also some kind of obsessive anxious feeling. That this is not mine. That it is unpleasant, that it is not necessary to be with her. Although I felt good with her, something inside me spoke of the opposite and gave anxiety. Very annoying. But, the only thing that such sensations disappeared very quickly when she was not there. Or my friends. And I even forget about it.


At the time of October 2020, I was alone. There was a girl who was nice to me, but from time to time she also had a similar ambivalence, duality, which accompanies my entire state. I myself do not understand what is happening, what I want and how to be. Life was divided into before and after. Sometimes I seem to go back to my old state before all this. But this is a very short time. I'd like to cure it all and get rid of it. Of the medications, I didn’t take Paxil 20 mg. Before that there was zoloft up to 200mg. The sore, as you can see, remains. My last doctor diagnosed GAD. Before that I had OCD. In the end, I don't know what happened to me. A complete mess ...

Now, at the time of the summer of 2021, I drank some Paxil. I drank it until April. My condition at the moment is not the best. Everything that was described above has passed, but not completely. The sore increases and decreases. There is no certainty about things, there are many doubts. In any relationship with girls - I do not like constant obsessive doubts from the category of love, doubts about sexual orientation due to the fact that I cannot fall in love as much as before. I don't fully understand what's wrong with me and I want to get rid of it somehow. I have already visited many doctors. All as one want to put on pills, although I just got off the old ones. I don't know what happened to me myself. Either OCD, or something really changed in me. I cannot say that these states are constantly with me, but somehow it is in the background, and if we imagine this as something alive, then it’s like something that stands next to your door and enters there every time, and even if it leaves - then not until the end, and then comes back again. For two years I have been living with it, although all my life I have lived without it ... I really want to get rid of it and remember how I lived before, without it.

Yours faithfully,
Harry
 
H

Harry_1504

New member
Joined
Jul 17, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Russia
Sorry for my English, lads. I am from Russia))
 
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