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Is shame part of your social anxiety?

T

Tatsumi Nagano

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I have a lot of shame as a result of my mental illness and many of my behaviors associated with past manias. I shy away from letting people get to know me because I know my reputation and that I am damaged goods. There is a lot this shame shales in my daily life. It’s sad really but I guess I don’t think that should change. xo, j
Damaged goods - oh how I relate to those words. More in the sense of my intimate relationship than with my work peers. I don't feel as much shame around being in public, but at home I don't like to let myself or my partner down. [SH]
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Shame sure is a horrible feeling.

It's only recently that I've actually realised the hot, burning feeling in my soul that I have been feeling since I was about 15 is 'shame'. It's such a 'natural' response to being stigmatised that I hadn't really analysed it. I now see that stigma and shame are two sides of the same social coin.

We normalise the link between stigma and shame because it is a function of normal social psychology. This is why I don't take 'positive psychology' seriously. It fails to address the fact that stigma, shame and social exclusion are entirely normal, non-pathological processes.
Interesting. Not sure I'm personally concerned with stigma much. It's a crappy thing that contributes to more bad feelings associated with mental problems, and perhaps shame itself is stigmatized. I mean, people don't often talk about feelings of shame, do they? Maybe in private to a therapist. I've never talked about it to anyone, and can only imagine it would be an uncomfortable topic for most people. It gets at the core of how you feel about yourself, and that is not a place we enjoy visiting much. We'd like to forget that these feelings are there, often ignored or buried beneath other things. But they silently drive us in our behaviors, I suppose.

Shame can lead to shameful behavior. For example, an alcoholic drinking to drown painful feelings. I guess his feelings and his way of dealing with them through drinking, are both stigmatized as unacceptable, but the shame is there anyway. The feeling is strong, and stigmatization does not change it, only makes it worse. It's an opinion about a feeling. I think the feeling has more clout. The opinion is basically worthless.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Shame is so strange. I keep thinking about it, what it means, what it makes people do. Seems to me it makes people hide who they are. If you been shamed for anything you won't want that dreadful feeling again. It burns. You will hide whatever it was that people shamed you for. You internalize others' fears and shames to belong to their group. It coulda been for survival as a kid that made you do this. Anyway, just rambling here. People hide so many things if there's shamed slapped on it. If it doesn't meet the group standards, if it isn't acceptable to them. Hide who you are and what you do. When you have shame you can't really be yourself. That's part of the pain of it. It kills authenticity. You gotta pretend to be something you're not. Hiding stuff due to shame, a powerful, painful thing it is.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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One thing you notice is that people like both belonging to a group and they like to feel they are in a special exclusive group, sometimes anyway, and this breeds snobbery. Isn't that odd, if we like both belonging and exclusivity? Shame keeps the undesirables out of the group, keeps the unwanted behaviors at a distance. The members of the group must all share some things in common. Those who don't fit get shunned. Children do that, pick on one poor kid who doesn't fit. Poor kid is shamed and cries and feels like an outsider, doesn't belong with the snobs who pushed him away. He's not cool enough or something, happens in every school. You'd guess this is less part of the adult world but maybe not. The same sort of stuff goes on there too. Ah, it's all confusing.
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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Absolutely IS for myself. I don’t wish to explain why. I’ve been explaining stuff my entire life and I no longer wish to do that
And nor should you have to! 💝
 
D

Dazed & Confused

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I think so (in answer to the question).
 
stevie_sloth

stevie_sloth

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The four different kinds of shame.
  • Unrequited love. Showing love and being rejected. ...
  • Unwanted exposure. Basically being shamed publicly. ...
  • Disappointed expectation. Not achieving something you set out to do. ...
  • Exclusion. Being left out of a situation
I've never heard of these shame sub-types before. I don't tend to feel shame much, but reading these, I think I HAVE felt it when I was much younger and over time, developed very strong defenses against it so I don't let it "in" anymore, if that makes sense.

Unrequited love - I don't show love to most people. I don't love many people. Those I do love, and show it to, I am VERY secure that they love me back.

Unwanted exposure - I never tell people things about me. So no one can ever use anything against me. I tell things up to a certain point, some things that are fairly personal but that if the person betrayed my trust and exposed whatever it was, it wouldn't bother me and then I'd get to relish verbally bashing them for their horrible behaviour.

Disappointed expectations - I am a classic under achiever. If I'm not good at something, I tend not to do it. I never tried much at school or university, but still did well. I set my expectations low most of the time.

Exclusion - I was left out of situations a lot for a while at school, which was embarrassing. I don't tend to expect (see above point) to be included in any specific thing, even by friends. If I'm included, goodo. If not, goodo.
 
Bluejay7500

Bluejay7500

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I've never heard of these shame sub-types before. I don't tend to feel shame much, but reading these, I think I HAVE felt it when I was much younger and over time, developed very strong defenses against it so I don't let it "in" anymore, if that makes sense.

Unrequited love - I don't show love to most people. I don't love many people. Those I do love, and show it to, I am VERY secure that they love me back.

Unwanted exposure - I never tell people things about me. So no one can ever use anything against me. I tell things up to a certain point, some things that are fairly personal but that if the person betrayed my trust and exposed whatever it was, it wouldn't bother me and then I'd get to relish verbally bashing them for their horrible behaviour.

Disappointed expectations - I am a classic under achiever. If I'm not good at something, I tend not to do it. I never tried much at school or university, but still did well. I set my expectations low most of the time.

Exclusion - I was left out of situations a lot for a while at school, which was embarrassing. I don't tend to expect (see above point) to be included in any specific thing, even by friends. If I'm included, goodo. If not, goodo.
I think I have all of those at some point in my life. It’s really difficult to not feel shame, but I’ve been so manic that I am finding it hard to feel anything.

unwanted exposure
I have this for awhile now.
 
Bluejay7500

Bluejay7500

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I think I’m just fearful of my past, and being fearful of your past creates a certain atmosphere. Like for me feeling like I’m exposed to things I have done or things that others have done to me creates a lot of shame and a lot of anger. One day I’m going to make a list of all the things that have been projected onto me to feel shame for and I’m going to destroy those things with my mind. Because that’s the only way that you can destroy a shame. With a strong mind.
 
K

Keesha

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I think I’m just fearful of my past, and being fearful of your past creates a certain atmosphere. Like for me feeling like I’m exposed to things I have done or things that others have done to me creates a lot of shame and a lot of anger.
This is me exactly. 🥺
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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This might be of some interest/help. Please share your opinions etc. :)
 
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