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Is my mother emotionally abusive? Please help me.

H

Happytobehere2018

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Aug 19, 2016
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I'll admit that I do not know a lot about mental health, I have never been to a therapist nor have I ever studied mental health. But I have always struggled with depression, especially in adolescence, and I compensated this depression with alcohol and drugs at the tender age of 13.
Growing up, I lived with my mother, my older brother, and my grandmother.
My brother and my mother were always very close, he was clearly her favorite child. My mother says that this is because they have more things in common, he was into things like music and art. I feel like they often used this against me, I too, was very smart but they always cast me aside as the stupid one, because I was very social, and I went out and partied a lot.
What my mother didn't realize is that I didn't stay home because I felt like I had no one there. My mom always looked down upon me as stupid, or out of control.
So I drank, and hung around questionable people, and even lost my virginity to a boy who I had an extremely emotionally abusive relationship with.

But I grew up, I am now 22 and I moved away from my small town and I graduate this year with honors. But somehow, my moms idea of me hasn't truly changed.
My brother on the other hand, did not go to college, cannot keep a job, and cannot maintain a healthy relationship without cheating (and I mean severe cheating, as in 20+ other women).
But somehow this still comes back on me, my mom very often makes comments saying that she thought he would be the one to go to college, and that everyone in my family thought I was stupid. (I guess this is her version of a compliment)
She also has critique every choice I have made in school. I have changed my major 4 times because of her telling me that I won't make enough money, or she would be prouder to say that I was this major instead of this one.
I just want her to accept me.

I can deal with that I guess, but the thing that really bothers me is that every time we have a disagreement, my mom tends to put me in this box that I am crazy, volatile, and abusive. I would never disrespect my mother or call her a name, I try to express how I feel to her and it turns into, "I wont let you abuse me anymore", "You don't love me/care about what I do for you".. or her favorite "I am sick of hearing I am a bad mother.. I get it I ruined your life"
It seems like my mom always wants me to be that 13-15 year old girl again, who was angry, out of control, and most of all scared.
anytime I express the slightest emotion of discontent I am put in a box of being out of control or reckless. I feel like this has a lot to do with the fact that I look exactly like my father who is reckless and has drug/alcohol abuse problems, and my brother looks just like her.
My mother hasn't seen my growth, I'm smart, I'm responsible, I have been in a healthy relationship for four years.

I'm just scared I guess. I feel as if I have grown out of my family. Because I just don't think she will ever get it. I think about starting my own family and that scares me, and I often say I will never be like my mother with my children, and I feel like thats a really sad thing to say.
I see other families and I wish I was a part of them.

I really need advice.
 
W

Waverunner

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:welcome: to the forum Happtobehere! Wow, I can identify so much with your post! I eventually got to the point where I started making decisions for myself, not to try and please my mother or to try and win her approval. I realised it would never come. Once I realised this, I took back control and I didn't allow myself to be guilt tripped into things. It's been hard because she trained me to respond in a particular way and it's all I knew. The relationship doesn't effect me in the same way now. I wish you luck.
 
H

Happytobehere2018

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Waverunner, Thank you for your reply. I really needed to talk to someone about this today. I realized that I need to take my life into my own control as well, its just so hard because I feel like as a daughter you are always seeking your mothers approval.
Once again, thank you for your reply.
 
W

Waverunner

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It's VERY hard Happytobehere. If you think your mother may change then continuing as you are now might be an option. Sadly, I suspect that she won't change. Doesn't necessarily mean you don't love her just that you are doing things for you. I suspect she won't like it either if you take back control but it will result in a happier you.
 
H

Happytobehere2018

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Waverunner,
My mother probably will not change, because if she was going to she would have by now, which is unfortunate. I am hoping I can learn how to deal with this better - I have made an appointment with a therapist next week and I am hoping I can learn new ways to deal with it, because it gives me extreme anxiety.
 
W

Waverunner

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Therapy helped me, I hope it helps you as well.
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

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sillyville, USA
Sometimes Mothers actually feel competitive with their daughters. She may be a bit jealous of your success.
Did she finish college with honors?
Please don't let her bring you down. I love my mother very much but I have to ignore half of what she says or get off the phone early. A lot of times if I tell her something positive, she has to back it up with a negative come back? I never have got it. Anyway be proud of your accomplishments. Sometimes we grow away from family members, which can be sad but they aren't always good for us either.
 
H

Happytobehere2018

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SoftRain,
I appreciate your reply, and I do believe that there is validity in your statement that mothers can be competitive with their daughters. My mom did not go to college at all actually, she had my brother when she was 19, and me at 21. She has always striven to be seen as highly intelligent, which I do think she puts me down for. I think that much of her criticism comes from her not being able to live the life that I now live. She has always put me down when it comes to my major. I was originally a Nursing major but I changed it because I have too much of an anxiety issue to work in the nursing field.
I am graduating with a Bachelors in early childhood education, and I hope to get my masters in school counseling. Which of course to my mother isn't good enough because I will never be "rich". A lot of this put down around money comes lately from her current relationship, she has recently been dating someone very well off and they travel the country together. When I tell her I like where I live, and I am fine with living here and being a teacher or counselor, she reminds me how horrible my city is and how she sees so many other great cities. Mind you, she still lives in my small town.
It gets so be too much with her competitive nature, I wish I had the support my boyfriend gets from his mother, who is just proud that he will be the first college grad of the family.
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

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IT is quite horrible when you cant pay bills, so I wont say money isn't important. People make a big mistake when they tag big money with happiness, it just isn't true. They want more, more, more.....thinking that is the way to happiness. It isn't.
You on the other hand seem to know it isn't and mental happiness is where it is at. Being happy with what we have.
I was a nurse, and still have the license even though I don't practice right now. For people with high anxiety it is not a good field to do. Your very smart.
I know the feeling of wishing relationships were different and put a lot of effort to change them to no success. In example, I always wanted a protective brother who always stood by me with loyalty. That didn't happen and I just accept it now. It Is what it is.
You know what they say opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one. LOL.
Try to let the negative go in one ear and out the other. You sound like a very bright young lady who knows what they want and live and is going out there getting it on your own terms. Cheers to you.
 
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