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Is my life, as I know it, over...?

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SlickRick

Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2012
Messages
14
Hey guys,

Basically I am looking for advice, feedback, similar experiences, any "helpful" comments actually...

And this is going to be a slightly long post but I'll try to break it down to "just the facts". This has to do with reaching a "high point" in life despite all my mental health challenges, now I fear that I'm going to lose it all...

Here's a quick background:

- Diagnosed with "schizophrenia" in 2011, after being stable for several years doctors said I couldn't be schizophrenic, but rather bi-polar and/or "mood disorder" with psychotic features (when I get in a low and/anxious mood I run the risk of experience schizophrenia-like symptoms)

- After my psychotic episodes, I was put on Zyprexa; got fat, lazy, sleepy, quiet, sedated, tried killing myself

- Started taking meds religiously in 2012; got stable and more confident about life again with a combo of Wellbutrin 300mg and Abilify 10mg

- Got a girlfriend in 2013 to present day

- Got a stable job

- Moved to my own apartment from 2013 to present

- Recently got my "dream job" as a advertising copywriter which pays quite handsomely


Now that all sounds great... but here is the main reason I'm making this post:

Ever since I got my "dream job", I've been extremely anxious. The environment is extremely quiet compared to what I'm used to, and all we do is stare at a computer screen all day while reading/writing. The job is very challenging, but also good. My anxiety was going through the roof at the beginning, thinking I couldn't hack the job and would get fired. I still think that way. This led to me being more and more socially anxious, to the point where I constantly glare at people and give the "evil eye" because I think they're judging me, to the point now where I'm getting frustrated and almost feeling somewhat violent.

I feel like I'm going to lose it all.... the independence, the apartment, the confidence, the girlfriend, and the dream job... all because I can't seem to control these damn symptoms! I feel like I'm on the verge of having a relapse and ending up in the mental hospital or something worse...

I have no idea what to do? If I go to the psych ward to check myself in, I'll miss several days from work and will probably get fired since I'm signed on as an independant contractor and not an employee... and there's no way I'm telling my new boss I'm having mental health issues. And, I fear that if I check myself into the psych ward my girlfriend is going to get scared off and leave me. And if I lose my job, I lose my apartment, confidence, etc....

I do have an appointment with psychiatrist in 3 weeks and I plan to tell her everything. But I'm almost at my wit's end here...

I've been doing things like yoga and affirmations and mantras and even turning to God for advice. It is helping somewhat but not enough and not quickly enough...

So yeah...

All I can say now is.... HELP! :)

Thank you for reading...
 
E

ecirp_369

New member
Joined
May 26, 2015
Messages
2
Wishing you nothing but peace, brother. In short, no mate, your life isn't over - It's evolving.

I have a similar track history with my mental health. ADHD, raped at 2, drugs for 8 years followed by a rather intense and full blown, psychotic episode thanks to a pretty stupid mix of THC and methyl amphetamine.

I struggled for 10 years with paranoia, anxiety, aggression, being judgemental and antisocial and basically backed myself into a corner so hard that I became a paranoid hermit.

In late 2014 I faced my demons, found the right combo of medications and after a teething period of a few months have a number of excellent opportunities in my life. I improved my relationship with my girlfriend, work, my family and society in general and have suddenly begun to find peace.

I've discovered only one solution to the type of anxiety that we have experienced. Contentment.

Being content with what you have, the amount of work you have to do to get it and valuing two things above all else. You and your immediate family.

This is a multilayered solution. Much of my resolve has come from weeks of breaking the indoctrination of my homeland. Once I began to understand more of the world and its history - specifically the colonisation of the western world - Some of the 'holes' in my knowledge, of the why of certain things, were filled instantly.

From this I have attempted to be more grateful for having two feet above the grave, not having to buy everything that every advert tells me to, not subscribing to media garbage and a whole bunch of other entirely relieving revelations. This is essentially what loosened the death grip of anxiety and paranoia.

I know that this is not entirely specific. I'm not quite sure how to shorten my response.

My story is an ongoing one and I am constantly learning.

If it helps, please feel free to contact me. I'm perfectly happy to share my experiences with you.

Peace be with you mate.
 
Last edited:
rasselas.redux

rasselas.redux

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jul 30, 2012
Messages
5,676
Location
Mumbojumboland
when I worked in an advertising agency it was all open plan. you had the copywriters at one end, then the graphic designers, then the ladies on the phones, then a group of others I never worked out what they actually did. they would only speak in the gents toilets. in fact it was in the gents toilets that I first met and spoke with the managing director, who used language that was over my head. I was quite young and was intimidated by his power. nowadays I wouldn't be.

when I started to lose grip on reality I'd spend more and more time in the gents toilets, but in the cubicles. I'd have my notebook and be trying to work stuff out. it became harder and harder to focus on writing copy. eventually my wife left me and I stopped going out of the house. I set upon working it out. to this day I haven't a clue what IT is, or why IT started to bother me.

lots of amusing things happened though, in retrospect.

the last thing I wanted to believe was that I was going mad. I say going mad. I think in some ways I was born mad. it certainly feels that way.

anyway, the ladies on the phones would drink water out of wine glasses and they'd tease me about all manner of things. I was glad of the distraction.

this one day I was assigned to a presentation for east midlands social services. I think that project sent me over the edge too. it was all about rescuing children from abusive situations. I was still in denial that I'd survived an abusive childhood.

I think when people go mad it's often because they are overwhelmed with unspeakable pain. discovering the source of that pain goes a long way to resolving problems.

but madness has its virtues. almost everyone working in advertising and marketing is at least a little bit bonkers. don't ever think it's just you going crazy. advertising itself is crazy-making. you are essentially tasked to tell lies and bullshit people. it isn't healthy for everyone to get involved in that.
 
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