• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Is my boyfriend mentally ill? Please, need your opinions

P

Pietradi

Member
Joined
May 19, 2017
Messages
7
I know it's difficult to answer my question and I'm not a entitled to say so, but I think and feel that my boyfriend has some kind of mental illness.
I wouldn't describe the beginning and whole history of our 2 years lasting long distance relationship, but I can write a few things about him and how I and few people perceive him:
He is 43 y.o., never married, no children, no other commitment except his job (it's not a full time, gives him a lot of freedom and not much money).
During our relationship I've realized few things, as:
1) he doesn't need sex most of the time (he calls himself asexual)
2) he likes me to be around him, but he is a little loner. This is the first strange thing - he asked me to be his girlfriend, holds my hand when we go out and he has definitely feelings for me, yet he keeps a specific distance between us. First I thought it's because he doesn't care about me, but then I realized that his withdrawals have nothing to do with me. It's the way he is.
3) there are times when he closes himself and it seems like there is a black hole inside him, like an empty person. His eyes are empty and he looks at me (and at the others also) as they are complete strangers. My sister also realized this and she said it's a bit scary.
4) When something doesn't go as he planned, he is in a panic. He doesn't like unexpected situations, although he can manage them but it takes a LOT of his energy and he is extremely exhausted after.
5) He often forgets things he said or did, sometimes they are not important things, sometimes they are things which happened few minutes ago. Once he almost kicked me out from his apartment where I've been living for a while when he was very stressed, but he doesn't remember this anymore (he really doesn't remember that) and even said that he would never do something like this.
6) He tends to laugh at the very serious situations that are not ridiculous at all.
7) He tends to be very paranoid and sometimes he thinks about very unlikely situations that could happened.
Example: when we were at the restaurant, I went to the toilet while he watched my handbag with laptop which I kept on the chair. When I came back, he told me that was thinking what to do in case I wouldn't return from the toilet, if he has to take my handbag with him to the airplane (he was going to take a flight then) or what to do. I asked him: why do you think I would not return from the toilet? and he answered that he doesn't know but it could happened.
And more situations like this happened.
8) He almost can read in people, but although this, in many situations it seems like he has not empathy. It's like he simply cannot "feel" the situation and cannot behave properly.
9) He smokes since 13 y.o., and he likes to drink beer in a big amount when he goes out with his friends. He simply likes to get drunk.

I could write much more, but I don't want to make this thread so long.

Anyway, can you recognize some kind of mental problems in what I described?
 
Last edited:
C

chefbengenie

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 3, 2018
Messages
58
Location
New Jersey
wow,
that's a lot going on. There are a lot of things that i recognize, mostly in the anxiety and depression states, but it seems there is some deep seated insecurities that may be deep rooted. Realistically, the best advice is for him to seek professional diagnosis and try to get some sort of medication that might help him to smooth out his moods. I am no professional but have gone thru a lot in all of my years. It really is a journey but it begins by seeking help by a professional. I hope this helps.
 
P

Pietradi

Member
Joined
May 19, 2017
Messages
7
@chefbengenie Thank you for your response. Yes, he can be very anxious. I think his insecurities are related to the fact that his father died when he was 8 years old and it influenced his adolescence process negatively.
Anyway I'm not sure he would seek professional help. He is very stubborn about this. When I mentioned that it isn't bad to seek a professional in case person is confused or doesn't feel mentally well, he laughed and said that he is very well and doesn't need anyone in this matter. So it's not easy...
 
D

Dulcie

Guest
I feel your boyfriend's first person to seek help from is a professional. If you are in the UK, then accompany him to his doctor and try and get his GP to refer him to a mental health practitioner. Your boyfriend my be stubborn, but he will not be the only one reticent about seeking professional help, so the responsibility is his though as his caring girlfriend it also is your duty to encourage him to take these first important steps.

The one thing that stands out - to me at least - is Fear. Your boyfriend's teenage years were delicate, and he will remember the trauma and upsets he went through. However, now he is at least a decade older, he alone can only make this decision to see a doctor or book a session with a Psydoc if you can continue reasoning with him.

The one thing neither you or he must never do is self-diagnose. Potentially that could be dangerous.
 
P

Pietradi

Member
Joined
May 19, 2017
Messages
7
I feel your boyfriend's first person to seek help from is a professional. If you are in the UK, then accompany him to his doctor and try and get his GP to refer him to a mental health practitioner. Your boyfriend my be stubborn, but he will not be the only one reticent about seeking professional help, so the responsibility is his though as his caring girlfriend it also is your duty to encourage him to take these first important steps.

The one thing that stands out - to me at least - is Fear. Your boyfriend's teenage years were delicate, and he will remember the trauma and upsets he went through. However, now he is at least a decade older, he alone can only make this decision to see a doctor or book a session with a Psydoc if you can continue reasoning with him.

The one thing neither you or he must never do is self-diagnose. Potentially that could be dangerous.
How did you know that his teenage years were delicate? The only thing I know and was probably hard is the fact that his father died when he was 8 years old.
Sometimes he remembers high school and he says it was the best time of his life because he did nothing, only had fun, drunk beer and smoked. Honestly, sometimes he behave like he is 18 years old. But on the other hand he is very intelligent and talented (art), he inspires me a lot and these are one of the reasons I didn't leave him yet. But he doesn't respect psychologists, this is the problem...
 
D

Dulcie

Guest
How did you know that his teenage years were delicate? The only thing I know and was probably hard is the fact that his father died when he was 8 years old.
Sometimes he remembers high school and he says it was the best time of his life because he did nothing, only had fun, drunk beer and smoked. Honestly, sometimes he behave like he is 18 years old. But on the other hand he is very intelligent and talented (art), he inspires me a lot and these are one of the reasons I didn't leave him yet. But he doesn't respect psychologists, this is the problem...

Hello @Pietradi :)

I picked up a hint from (9) where you said he smoked since 13 y.o., and he likes to drink beer in a big amount .... didn't many of us when we were younger? Well, being honest I am a lot younger, but can relate to having one of my parents dying on me when I was a little older, but having nobody to talk through my feelings of being abandoned. My younger years were kind of delicate, but I had nobody and was left to fend for myself until my Aunt found out I was living alone...and I've been through therapists and not had a good word for any of them.

If I was wrong in my assumption your boyfriend went through 'delicate years' then I apologise. Only I was trying to put myself in his shoes realising how difficult and stubborn I'd become resisting my Aunt from getting me to see yet another therapist or counsellor.

I've only recently finished bereavement counselling after my late mother hastened her life. Sometimes we need to approach our feelings first to see if we would be open to having CBT, for example, or see a counsellor because sessions will be draining though they can be spaced to suit the individual.

My last bereavement counsellor made me feel special and comfortable as we talked, and before I knew it my 40 minutes went on a little longer, and was just perfect for my needs. A good tip is after finishing a session, talk to no-one except listening to some light music. That way, all that was learnt during the session will likely sink in and can be worked on. Otherwise, conversation including questions from another person or friend can unravel all that was learnt.

Since you know your boyfriend better than any of us, could you have a look on, say, a.mazon for a self-help book? There are some great books out there; I go by readability and customer reviews. Also you might find a used book but in very good condition/excellent when using abebooks.com or .co.uk if you're in England.

Best wishes,
Dulcie
 
P

Pietradi

Member
Joined
May 19, 2017
Messages
7
Hello @Pietradi :)

I picked up a hint from (9) where you said he smoked since 13 y.o., and he likes to drink beer in a big amount .... didn't many of us when we were younger? Well, being honest I am a lot younger, but can relate to having one of my parents dying on me when I was a little older, but having nobody to talk through my feelings of being abandoned. My younger years were kind of delicate, but I had nobody and was left to fend for myself until my Aunt found out I was living alone...and I've been through therapists and not had a good word for any of them.

If I was wrong in my assumption your boyfriend went through 'delicate years' then I apologise. Only I was trying to put myself in his shoes realising how difficult and stubborn I'd become resisting my Aunt from getting me to see yet another therapist or counsellor.

I've only recently finished bereavement counselling after my late mother hastened her life. Sometimes we need to approach our feelings first to see if we would be open to having CBT, for example, or see a counsellor because sessions will be draining though they can be spaced to suit the individual.

My last bereavement counsellor made me feel special and comfortable as we talked, and before I knew it my 40 minutes went on a little longer, and was just perfect for my needs. A good tip is after finishing a session, talk to no-one except listening to some light music. That way, all that was learnt during the session will likely sink in and can be worked on. Otherwise, conversation including questions from another person or friend can unravel all that was learnt.

Since you know your boyfriend better than any of us, could you have a look on, say, a.mazon for a self-help book? There are some great books out there; I go by readability and customer reviews. Also you might find a used book but in very good condition/excellent when using abebooks.com or .co.uk if you're in England.

Best wishes,
Dulcie
Thank you @Dulcie. I will see what can I do. We are also in long distance relationship, so things are more complicated, but I'll try to find a good book and show it to him. The rest is up to him...
 
D

Dulcie

Guest
Thank you @Dulcie. I will see what can I do. We are also in long distance relationship, so things are more complicated, but I'll try to find a good book and show it to him. The rest is up to him...
Ah, long distance relationships can be difficult to maintain, it happened to me for a while and it was hard going so you're in my thoughts and prayers.

If you like though, private message me your boyfriend's symptoms (that's for his privacy) and I will run a search for a good book. You never know, I might find something worthwhile. :)
 
C

chefbengenie

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 3, 2018
Messages
58
Location
New Jersey
when i first started showing a lot of symptoms, my wife basically called me on it and made me make a decision. I decided that i wasn't going to lose what i had over being stubborn. This isn't the right choice for everyone, but sometimes a line needs to be drawn and someone needs to know the boundries as well as the consequences. That way, it basically falls on them. Continue to care and support, but don't do it at the expense of your own sanity. It doesn't have to be a psychologist. Generally an initial visit and consultation followed by some meds can be the answer. A full cure may never come about, but clarity will sure help decide what the next step is.
good luck
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
K Boyfriend and his mom People 6
K BOYFRIEND Advice People 4
R Alcoholic Mother vs Negative Abusive Boyfriend People 4
E My BPD boyfriend broke up with me because he'd met a girl for two hours. People 16
X Feeling lost when it comes to my boyfriend People 3
D Boyfriend with schizophrenia and bi-polar broke up with me People 1
R Advice on boyfriend needed People 4
P Father of my boyfriend gave inappropiate touch People 2
M Worries about my boyfriend People 3
Y Please help - boyfriend has depression People 3
L Accusing my Boyfriend of cheating People 10
K Leaving suicidal boyfriend People 3
Z Insecure of her rich ex boyfriend People 2
givethemhell "I want a girlfriend/boyfriend" People 17
D Boyfriend with tokix family and manic episodes People 3
S I want a boyfriend. People 25
C Worried about my boyfriend People 4
freshstart2016 Boyfriend Issues! People 2
L My boyfriend People 5
L I want to help my boyfriend with his metal health but don't know how? People 1
C Boyfriend making me feel crazy? Help! People 4
K My boyfriend has depression People 1
R I dont know if my boyfriend is controlling People 1
M Advice for talking to my boyfriend who is pushing me away People 3
M Did my ex boyfriend rape me? People 11
H How do I progress in my great relationship without pushing away my overly affectionate boyfriend? People 1
A Need more support from boyfriend People 1
L Fed up with defending my choice to stay with depressed and anxious boyfriend. People 1
B Boyfriend just broke up with me. I am broken! People 3
W Boyfriend is guilty People 4
L Left my boyfriend - Support? People 4
C Boyfriend Highly Sensitive - How to Cope? People 2
C Extremely dislike my mother's boyfriend, relationship with her grandson suffers People 2
A my boyfriend tried to commit suicide People 4
K Emotional abusive/blackmailing boyfriend. People 3
A Paranoid about my boyfriend cheating People 9
C Mom's Boyfriend is Going to Make Me Insane People 2
katya Boyfriend really unsupportive. People 8
katya Boyfriend now on the cusp of leaving me - abusive housemate situation update People 5
L Help diagnosing my boyfriend People 4
S Losing my mind and my boyfriend to paranoia People 2
katya Reacting badly to boyfriend watching porn People 18
katya How can I make my boyfriend open up? *trigger warning: parental physical abuse* People 2
D My boyfriend is my only friend. People 9
S My boyfriend doesn't understand People 6
MoonPrincess Boyfriend's clingyness/insecurity is driving me insane! People 5
Angels Boyfriend Drinking too much People 2
S I'm extremely confused over separation from my boyfriend, and I would really appreciate any insight! People 16
M How do I get over my ex boyfriend who really hurt me? People 5
T I feel like I'm losing my boyfriend People 3

Similar threads

Top