is life worth the suffering ?

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fatalism13

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Sep 11, 2018
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i still remember my first panic attack 9 months ago since then i haven't felt the same physically, emotionally, and mentally , my body hurts i checked many doctors for having a heavy heart, trouble breathing and all around feeling physically uncomfortable , my heart is fine, i don't have gerd, i did all tests possible all doctors told me it's all mental , it first started when i realized how surreal life is , it all doesn't make sense all this pointless suffering around could never be worth going through life , this immense feeling of doom and depersonalization , everyday and every moment is me pondering on mortality , past regrets , feeling nostalgic for days that will never come back looking around and seeing nothing that could make me feel happy or at least okay, i don't have many life problems i have a caring family and i have everything i can wish for , i just hate how it started to become physical i've always been struggling with existential crises but i could always think rationally now it is starting to cripple me i doubt everything for my own identity to life around me , i just want to feel okay not even good and at the same time i have love for melancholy so i can't get away from it , all my books, music, movies they are as depressing and tragic as it gets i don't enjoy feeling anything else anymore if there's no suffering in a work of art i can't stomach it anymore only in pure agony i can relate and start the cycle once again of heartache nostalgia and pain, even now that i got what i wanted the most which is taking my first steps in becoming a filmmaker im starting to doubt it all and mildly despise it , why am i doing it , what if i fail and crumble down , the future is very scary , too scary actually , i am always afraid to end up like emil cioran or neitszhe or the no names who started getting these thoughts at their early 20's but never overcoming them , i am afraid of being 25 and everything is all the same , my misanthropic cynic mentality and nihilism brought to what i would call spiritual illness, not mental illness , yes spiritual illness my craving for a meaning or a purpose in the bitter storyline is driving me close to insanity ,the alienation and sadness are pretty much winning until now , i contemplate suicide daily but i don't have the power , i love life so much that i hate it , i know it's very basic for a 20 years old to feel this , but what if it last ? will i ever be normal again ?
how could one enjoy life through all the suffering , the so depressing condition of human nature , death, disease and cruelty is getting too bitter and there's nothing sweet
 

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