Is it you, or is it me?

Iamsoconfused

Iamsoconfused

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Is it a BPD thing, to feel wronged and slighted by pretty much everyone? I'm just wondering if I am going to feel this way about everyone, as sometimes I think it's just the people I am with, that totally suck.

I know BPD's are hypersensitive, but how are you supposed to know when it's you, or if it's the other people that are treating you bad? It's so confusing and hard to trust whether I'm the one being unreasonable, or I'm putting up with other people's abusive behavior.

I have put up with people making fun of me and putting me down all my life, to the point where I am so defensive at even someone playing with me now. I can't tell the difference. It just seems like everyone messes up, so I know I have to be more understanding...

It's so many things where I feel really upset, and then afterwards realize I overreacted. Other times, I let people walk all over me and I have people telling me to stand up for myself. I have a hard time telling what is appropriate and what is inappropriate behavior.
 
katya

katya

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I'm going through this right now. It's so hard to tell, especially in the heat of the moment. I think it takes time to tell, and that comes with setting appropriate boundaries for you, with figuring out what kind of behaviour is and isn't acceptable in your life - and only acting on setting or reinforcing those boundaries when you're in Wise Mind. But it's so hard.
 
Iamsoconfused

Iamsoconfused

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I'm going through this right now. It's so hard to tell, especially in the heat of the moment. I think it takes time to tell, and that comes with setting appropriate boundaries for you, with figuring out what kind of behaviour is and isn't acceptable in your life - and only acting on setting or reinforcing those boundaries when you're in Wise Mind. But it's so hard.
Thank you Katya, for replying. I think it does take me a couple days, sometimes to see things more clearly. I agree with what you said.

I hadn't heard of Wise Mind before, but I googled it and saw it was about DBT :)
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Hi
I do think it's a BPD thing, when I'm with people in a group setting I tend not to speak, even with people I know well, when i'm with them on a 1-1 or 1-2 setting I'm much better and can talk to anyone, it's rather weird, my biggest problem is with email, when I read something I put my own voice on it and as I'm the one who thinks I'm no good, worthless and that people will find me out (I have a bad case of impostor syndrome) I always put the most negative spin on things.
I've found 2 things that help me greatly, one is I never reply to an email where I think there could be something very negative in it, so for me emails that say "can we have a catch up", can we meet at x on y, or things where there are comments in a group email that are negative or for future reference, I always think it's me that's done the wrong thing...
So I found myself a person who I can really trust, someone who is neutral in relation to work things especially and I copy and past the email so they can't see who it's from and who's involved (keeping the confidentiality) and ask them to read it for me and they then phone me and talk me through the bits bothering me. I've also spoken to my boss (who is the neutral person) about sending emails that say can we meet with no explanation, she has sent a division wide email saying this is not good practice and if a person needs to email another person to meet then there should be a reason for the meeting included in the email.
In group discussions or meetings I have someone similar, they support me and I can ask the stupid questions and for clarification.

I'm very careful about social situations as I need to have someone with me so I generally don't go out with people who don't know I have "mental health" problems even if they don't know what they are.

But, I'm getting better at working things out and I don't engage if I'm not sure about what has been said and I'm a lot better at not being so sensitive after having a lot of therapy, I know a lot of people with BPD have DBT but mine's CAT which has allowed me to explore why I think like I do rather than with DBT/CBT which focuses on the here and now, almost like it doesn't matter why you are like you are, you just are and need to change that.
So don't worry, it's not just you, but I hope you find something that helps you xx
 
Iamsoconfused

Iamsoconfused

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Hi
I do think it's a BPD thing, when I'm with people in a group setting I tend not to speak, even with people I know well, when i'm with them on a 1-1 or 1-2 setting I'm much better and can talk to anyone, it's rather weird, my biggest problem is with email, when I read something I put my own voice on it and as I'm the one who thinks I'm no good, worthless and that people will find me out (I have a bad case of impostor syndrome) I always put the most negative spin on things.
I've found 2 things that help me greatly, one is I never reply to an email where I think there could be something very negative in it, so for me emails that say "can we have a catch up", can we meet at x on y, or things where there are comments in a group email that are negative or for future reference, I always think it's me that's done the wrong thing...
So I found myself a person who I can really trust, someone who is neutral in relation to work things especially and I copy and past the email so they can't see who it's from and who's involved (keeping the confidentiality) and ask them to read it for me and they then phone me and talk me through the bits bothering me. I've also spoken to my boss (who is the neutral person) about sending emails that say can we meet with no explanation, she has sent a division wide email saying this is not good practice and if a person needs to email another person to meet then there should be a reason for the meeting included in the email.
In group discussions or meetings I have someone similar, they support me and I can ask the stupid questions and for clarification.

I'm very careful about social situations as I need to have someone with me so I generally don't go out with people who don't know I have "mental health" problems even if they don't know what they are.

But, I'm getting better at working things out and I don't engage if I'm not sure about what has been said and I'm a lot better at not being so sensitive after having a lot of therapy, I know a lot of people with BPD have DBT but mine's CAT which has allowed me to explore why I think like I do rather than with DBT/CBT which focuses on the here and now, almost like it doesn't matter why you are like you are, you just are and need to change that.
So don't worry, it's not just you, but I hope you find something that helps you xx
Thank you so much Poppy20, I really appreciate your answer! It was really sweet and helpful <3

I do the same thing in emails and text messages. I put a negative voice on it and interpret the message negatively, unless it's really careful. I didn't even think that I am the one who is being negative, I just thought the way I read it was the way it really is. That gives me something to think about. Sometimes when I read something again another day, it's not upsetting. So I slightly know that it can be different... it makes a lot of sense what you said.

I'm in therapy but find it hard to stick with it and be patient with the therapist. I am seeing someone new now who is helping me become more somatic, so there's not a bunch of talking in it which helps me to be less anxious afterwards. I'm hoping it'll help.
 
katya

katya

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Thank you Katya, for replying. I think it does take me a couple days, sometimes to see things more clearly. I agree with what you said.

I hadn't heard of Wise Mind before, but I googled it and saw it was about DBT :)
Ah glad you found it. I'm new to the concept myself but it's really useful. Just need to know more about how to achieve it, haha.

I think giving yourself time is a good idea. Also, if you want to approach talking about an issue with someone, you can say things like, "Please can you explain what you meant by x," or, "I may be wrong, but it seems to me as though...", etc.
 
Iamsoconfused

Iamsoconfused

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Ah glad you found it. I'm new to the concept myself but it's really useful. Just need to know more about how to achieve it, haha.

I think giving yourself time is a good idea. Also, if you want to approach talking about an issue with someone, you can say things like, "Please can you explain what you meant by x," or, "I may be wrong, but it seems to me as though...", etc.
Thanks katya, yea taking some time to feel my way through a difficult situation is helpful when I can. Sometimes I feel like I need to act in the moment...

I really like the way you worded that. I sometimes don't know how to clarify things nicely when I don't understand something and I end up coming off the wrong way.
 
katya

katya

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I really like the way you worded that. I sometimes don't know how to clarify things nicely when I don't understand something and I end up coming off the wrong way.
I'm the same.

Thanks katya, yea taking some time to feel my way through a difficult situation is helpful when I can. Sometimes I feel like I need to act in the moment...
Yes! Me too. It feels so urgent, like it'd be a total injustice and endless bleakness if I didn't sort it out right there and then! It's hard to learn how to just sit on these feelings. Have you come across the skill HALT before? I find that useful. It's about taking a moment to stop and re-think a certain situation you're in if you're hungry, angry, lonely or tired. That tends to be a good guideline as to when to step back.
 
Iamsoconfused

Iamsoconfused

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I'm the same.



Yes! Me too. It feels so urgent, like it'd be a total injustice and endless bleakness if I didn't sort it out right there and then! It's hard to learn how to just sit on these feelings. Have you come across the skill HALT before? I find that useful. It's about taking a moment to stop and re-think a certain situation you're in if you're hungry, angry, lonely or tired. That tends to be a good guideline as to when to step back.
Hi katya, I'm familiar a little bit with the HALT from seeing it in 12 step meetings and always thought maybe it could help. The thing I have trouble with is that I get tired a lot, lol. It definitely keeps me from doing a lot of things :) Do you think it's still a good idea to step back from stuff if I'm tired? Thanks for your advices, it's been in my thoughts these past few days.
 
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mintymop

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i never know either!! how do we know its not a narcissist taking advantage??? or if that person is just as messed up??? some people are sick! idk maybe they wanna help???ugj i am hating this disprder and i am really at thr start of accepting this inreally liked being bipolar better but i lnow im not and the whole time i had that diagnosis i knew it was BS i was like pshh i dont get MANIA and ive read about Bpd but ran away bc why??? says no cure and everyone hates you!!!!! more sympathetic for people with bipolar...GOD HElp US
 
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