- Apr 25, 2021
I had someone who made me feel amazing in the first months. I experienced love. After 5-6 months i started to have a mess inside of me with these thoughts. Came depression, anxiety attacks etc. The first thing i was thinking about was about my feelings for her. The theme gradually changed and sometimes i had many times at once. I spent hours to find a therapist but when he was available (after 3 weeks) my mind changed. I idealized the past moments we had. I don't know why my girlfriend seemed less interesting, the relationship was getting bored and I was finding people attractive outside without any guilt. I also had a feeling that i will cheat on her. I didn't have anymore that great feeling the whole day about thinking of this relationship (as in the beginning). So I made a conclusion that I actually didn't have ROCD. Sometimes I was making scenarios in my head about if she was breaking up , and I was crying. I also find so many people attractive outside and i'm imagining that i'm not into a relationship etc. Then comes the break up. We both found the relationship a bit bored and I kinda forced her to break up. Now i'm still inside of the break up and i feel better , i think? . I cried a bit when we broke up. But I truly thought i would react in another way. Maybe with more feelings? That's what also makes me believe I probably didn't have ROCD. Now I sometimes think I did the right decision and that i don't care but i still think about it a lot and sometimes I'm crying when I think about her. I have moments when i don't care and just after that i can cry because i remembered past moments. I go from one to the other. I can't even realize that we actually broke up definitely. It seemed impossible for me. I want to miss her but rn I can't.Since the beginning, I just wanted to love her as much as before.. But now I don't know what I want. Update : Now she gave me a chance to be back with her again. That's the second time i broke up and i'm back again. I cried each time she was saying that it would be the last time i was with her etc. I also mention that I had something similar with schizophrenia ocd one year ago but it lasted only few weeks. I want to feel love for my girlfriend but i can't and it is frustrating. I don't know if i want to be with her. I just want the old us.