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Is it really okay to be quiet?

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Rachel1678

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Oct 12, 2019
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4
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England
I'm 25 years old and have had social anxiety for a very long time. I've had cognitive and behavioural therapy and my therapist said that it was perfectly fine to be quiet.

However I've been called quiet at work, by my manager and one of my colleagues and it really hurt. Every time I hear the word quiet I feel inferior and a sense of shame. After a few therapy sessions, I realised that extroverts don't always understand introverts and quiet people can still succeed in life.

The thing is I didn't expect my boyfriend to call me quiet today. We went to a fayre and someone asked me where I got my candyfloss. The person didn't say thanks and my boyfriend told me "you're very quiet, I don't want you to be so unconfident that you can't talk". I've done so much work at therapy to help me deal with that specific word 'quiet' but it doesn't look like it's okay to be quiet? Am I the only person who gets hurt when called quiet? Do I need to change?
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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Sheffiield
I'm a rather quiet person and I'm happy with that, I can communicate when needed and I have something to say but I'm not really good at small talk.

I visit a friend three times a week and quite often I don't speak very much during that visit, I speak when spoken to but for most of the time I just sit there with him and watch TV and I'm happy just for the company.

But I've no idea how I'm supposed to meet and attract a woman like this so that's an issue, consider yourself lucky to already have a boyfriend.

Unless I meet someone who likes the strong silent type I guess it's not in the cards for me.

If you're ok at work and it doesn't effect your performance and your relationship is going well I wouldn't worry about it too much. As long as you can speak when you have something important to say (like what you said here) that's all that matters.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Tigger and Willow's house UK
Being a introvert/quiet is fine imo :hug:

personally i would be okay with anyone who understood when i have to isolate myself physically from other people due to feeling unwell mentally and wanting to protect others from myself, and also they would have to be okay with Tigger and Willow (cats), Tigger everyone is okay with Willow is more dominant and can nip when the human is not listening to her being the boss :salut: (Ebony was another nippy little girl before she took her last breath but that was cause she had suspected ptsd from abuse) :hankie:

as a result i dont have a boyfriend, havent had one since abusive ex and kinda shut myself off from others irl cause it really made my trust issues bad :sorry:
 
hicks

hicks

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May 14, 2019
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In a galaxy, far far away..
It really should be ok to be quiet, but alas I've found that to not be the case. Depends what your job is, but in my line of work, if you don't have anything to say, then people think you're not competent, or don't have any ideas. As you have found, people view workplace quietness as a negative thing. A manager once said to me at my appraisal, "just say anything in a meeting". Wow, really? You mean the kind of bullshit I hear coming out of your mouth? (is what I wanted to say) :rofl2:

On a social level, being quiet hasn't helped me make friends, although over time I'm getting better at socialising, and having things to say. There are certain types of people I just don't 'click' with.
 
sadpunchingbag

sadpunchingbag

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May 29, 2019
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1,465
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London
I'm 25 years old and have had social anxiety for a very long time. I've had cognitive and behavioural therapy and my therapist said that it was perfectly fine to be quiet.

However I've been called quiet at work, by my manager and one of my colleagues and it really hurt. Every time I hear the word quiet I feel inferior and a sense of shame. After a few therapy sessions, I realised that extroverts don't always understand introverts and quiet people can still succeed in life.

The thing is I didn't expect my boyfriend to call me quiet today. We went to a fayre and someone asked me where I got my candyfloss. The person didn't say thanks and my boyfriend told me "you're very quiet, I don't want you to be so unconfident that you can't talk". I've done so much work at therapy to help me deal with that specific word 'quiet' but it doesn't look like it's okay to be quiet? Am I the only person who gets hurt when called quiet? Do I need to change?
In society we are told that to be introverted is a bad thing and we must be extroverted because of whatever reason each have pros and cons you should stick up for yourself it sounds like your boss is ignorant to how that would make you feel as for if should you change ? that is based purely on what do you want ? do you need to change ? no one needs to change its a choice it just sounds like your boss hit a kink in your armour i would not think much more past it
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Jun 11, 2017
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2,274
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USA
I'm a very quiet person until I get to know someone. It's extremely hard for me to talk to people and make small talk.Sometimes it embarrasses me but it's just who I am.

My therapist is an introvert,he doesn't socialize and pretty much keeps to himself so he was always very understanding of what I go through.

There's nothing wrong with being quiet,it's just that some people want to make us feel like there is.
 
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indigo6

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Jan 30, 2019
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804
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UK
Quiet people seem a mystery to an outsider. Especially an extrovert. Outsiders may think a person isnt quiet but 'rude' they have no idea about the not so forward person. Perhaps thats what your bf was wondering the person might be thinking.
Its fine to be quiet but be mindful that mystery warrants deciphering and some people cant do that.
I hope my quiet moments can be figured correctly as I dont want to offend anyone but then again sometimes dont care. It depends how involved I have to be with them and for how long.
 
R

Rachel1678

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Oct 12, 2019
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England
I didn't expect to get as many replies, really appreciate all the helpful comments. Makes me feel like I'm not alone. But I get that it's fine to be quiet but in social situations like at work I'd need to show myself more. Will keep working on it! :thanks:
 
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anyajp

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Dec 14, 2010
Messages
97
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London
I am quiet myself....I don't like parties or crowded places...they make me even worse to be honest.
I like to go to quiet places for no longer then a couple of hours....places like a quiet pub, café or a nice restaurant, where I know quietness will be accepted.
The friends I have are fairly quiet aswell...I just think you need to find the right sorts or people/job/places to hang out and you will be fine. x
 
hicks

hicks

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In a galaxy, far far away..
Quiet people seem a mystery to an outsider. Especially an extrovert
Maybe.
Let me give you an alternative angle. There's a guy at work who's even quieter than me. I always see him alone at lunchtime. Never seen him talking in a social manner with anyone. In the kitchen one time, I tried to engage him in conversation. Asked about what project he was working on. It immediately became clear to me that this person is very uncomfortable with social contact. I even think he could be Aspergic. What was my reaction? I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, so I didn't try to talk to him again. He never initiates conversation with anyone, as far as I can see. What's my point? Well if you're quiet, it might not necessarily be that other people don't like you, just that they don't want to make you do something you're not comfortable with.
 
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user9898

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Oct 6, 2019
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europe
Maybe.
Let me give you an alternative angle. There's a guy at work who's even quieter than me. I always see him alone at lunchtime. Never seen him talking in a social manner with anyone. In the kitchen one time, I tried to engage him in conversation. Asked about what project he was working on. It immediately became clear to me that this person is very uncomfortable with social contact. I even think he could be Aspergic. What was my reaction? I didn't want to make him uncomfortable, so I didn't try to talk to him again. He never initiates conversation with anyone, as far as I can see. What's my point? Well if you're quiet, it might not necessarily be that other people don't like you, just that they don't want to make you do something you're not comfortable with.
Please don't play "guess psychiatric diagnoses" based on short encounters and rumors. If someone is uncomfortable talking to you perhaps they just don't like you or you make people uncomfortable. Another reason could be that that person is suffering from grief or a number of other problems. Psychiatric diagnoses are not based on objective investigations like blood tests or x-rays and many symptoms belong to several diagnoses.
 
hicks

hicks

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Please don't play "guess psychiatric diagnoses"
Huh? That's not what I'm doing at all. I'm simply trying to put a positive spin on reasons why quiet people are ignored, from the perspective of someone else. I know in the past I've struggled to understand why it's so difficult for me to make friends, and it's very easy to get into a negative and downward spiral.
Of course there are a multitude of reasons why someone is uncomfortable talking to you, depending on their personal circumstances, and even mood.
 
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user9898

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europe
Huh? That's not what I'm doing at all. I'm simply trying to put a positive spin on reasons why quiet people are ignored, from the perspective of someone else. I know in the past I've struggled to understand why it's so difficult for me to make friends, and it's very easy to get into a negative and downward spiral.
Of course there are a multitude of reasons why someone is uncomfortable talking to you, depending on their personal circumstances, and even mood.
I understand, I have been the target of such office diagnoses so I am sensitive to it. People with social anxiety often gets confused as Aspergers which is the complete opposite as Aspergers never get anxiety (they can get afraid though) and they don't care about the group's opinion of them, something social anxiety sufferers obsess about.
 
K

K_W1991

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Oct 6, 2019
Messages
14
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Preston
I think it's ok to be quiet, I get called it a lot too.
People mention it when I go to work, unfortunately for me where I seem to be working a lot recently is full of... Not so quiet people lol.
Which isn't a bad thing but I think they see it as me being rude, which isn't the intention.
It's just getting a word in edge ways or trying not to talk over some one else ;-;
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Jun 11, 2017
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2,274
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USA
Quiet people seem a mystery to an outsider. Especially an extrovert. Outsiders may think a person isnt quiet but 'rude' they have no idea about the not so forward person. Perhaps thats what your bf was wondering the person might be thinking.
Its fine to be quiet but be mindful that mystery warrants deciphering and some people cant do that.
I hope my quiet moments can be figured correctly as I dont want to offend anyone but then again sometimes dont care. It depends how involved I have to be with them and for how long.
People tend to think I'm snobby and a complete bitch just because I don't talk to them.They don't give me a chance most times.(Not just because I'm quiet though but also because of the way I look (but that's a whole different topic)

People judge way too much. It really bothers me that anyone would think I'm snobby and I wish they could understand how difficult it is for some people.
 
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