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Is it okay to cut parents off if they make you feel more depressed?

C

Cocoabean22

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Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Lincoln
I’m 19, due to a few things I am not starting university until next September, this means that I am constantly around my parents other than when they are both at work Monday-Thursday.
I made a post about my parents last month, but it is long and detailed, so I am just going to quickly mention this.
My parents are emotionally abusive, they are fickle so one moment they are understanding and the next there is a huge argument about a TV show. These arguments never stay on topic either, they end up arguing about things that have happened years ago that cannot be changed.
I cannot remember anything positive about my adolescence, I can just remember getting threatened and chased by them, they have hit me before, making me wear makeup at 11 years old and dress a certain way. They have controlled me for so long. I would lay awake at night wishing I could get taken away, or something would happen to them. That sounds horrible, but it is true. A few months ago I was was so distressed and was telling them about how I need braces for my underbite which I have been bullied for. I can’t walk down the street without a stare or a comment. I was saying ‘I cannot live like this anymore, I cannot do it anymore’ and I thought maybe they would understand. They did not speak to me for a week, they were furious. My mum stormed off and left for an hour or so, my dad said that I push people around which is why I have no friends. I have no friends because I was bullied so much, I cannot push people around if I barely speak to anyone as I am scared. My mum said that I was abusive because I called her a ‘numpty’ which is a British thing, when she dropped something. It was just a joke, as in oh you silly. She was so mad at me and shouted at me, she did not speak to me for a while after.
I could go on and on about this, but this is how it is in short.
Their presence makes me feel awful, this house makes me feel awful. All of these memories make me feel awful. I try to be motivated, I try to make myself feel better by telling myself that one day it will end.
My parents believe that life is good for me as we are fine financially, we have a roof over our heads. I am grateful for that, but just because people have it worse than me does not mean that my problems are invalid.
When I visit my older siblings I feel much better, I am better with hygiene, I do not wake up feeling really down, I feel better in myself. I do not have to hide who I am, I am not frightened.
I have wanted to cut them off for years, one day I think I need to. They insult me so much, they contradict me if I say they have upset me because everything has to be my fault. My dad said something racist once and I said ‘that is not right’ and they got furious at me saying I made a scene, when I only said it in my normal voice. They started a huge argument about everything, childhood etc. How on earth does this happen? The whole way home I was getting shouted at, it is ridiculous all because I calmly stood up to them.
I cannot deal with them anymore. I cannot live like this anymore with them. After my university course I want to cut them off, once I am financially stable and have an apartment/flat/small house. My siblings respect that, at least I have them. I will never cut my siblings off. But my parents cannot treat me like this forever, they make me so unhappy. They have taken all of my emotions away from me, I wish I could cry but I cannot because I am empty.
I crave affection from others because my parents make me feel worthless. They have ruined my life. I have not loved them for years, I do not feel anything towards them other than hatred.

is it okay to cut people off if they make you miserable and are really not good for your mental health? I know I have 3 years to think about it, but I cannot be happy with them in my life. If I get a partner I know they will end up ruining that for me, they always have a negative thing to say about everyone. My mum really dislikes my sister’s boyfriend, never says a nice word about him.
I want to be happy,more than anything. I am actually going to do the course I want to do because they told me I was not allowed. I want to be me, I want them gone. Forever.
 
J

JoleneInCalifornia

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Nov 23, 2020
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106
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First off, I am sorry that you are feeling this way. Your parents are supposed to be supportive. If you're feeling down, angry, if someone is making fun of you, parents are the ones that should be there to hug you and comfort you in your time of need and tell you that everything will be alright but I know that you didnt get that response.

Sounds to me from your post that you've been unhappy and depressed for a while.You mentioned that your parents were emotionally abusive and when you confided in them, they rejected what you said and instead, didnt speak to you for a week. That is absolutely horrible! When you said "I wish I could cry but I cannot because I am empty" and "I crave affection from others because my parents make me feel worthless", that just made my jaw drop. We didnt choose our parents BUT we can choose how we want to live our life.

I can empathize with you because I've been in the same situation. I went through a period of therapy and soul searching. The emotional abuse I endured from my parents really took a toll on my health. I was getting stomach aches and headaches as well as borderline personality disorder. I kept thinking something was wrong with me when in fact, it was the abuse that distorted my thought patterns to think that I was the problem. From the advice of my therapist, I did sort of a moratorium. I didnt completely cut my parents off, but I distanced myself from them. I only communicated if i needed to and OMG...i feel much much happier!

Like you, i was so angry and pissed off and needed to get away from it all. When I was in college, I moved out and had two jobs to support myself to pay for living expenses. It was difficult and demanding to work two jobs and go to school, but I was determined to get the f*ck out of there for my sanity. Ive cut others out of my life because I didnt feel the relationship was mutual. If I felt like I was the one putting more effort into the relationship, Im out! I know my worth and I know I am a damn good person. So, to answer your question, is it okay to cut people off from your life if they make you miserable? Sure. Why not? This is YOUR life. You dictate how you want to live. And lastly, dont let anyone in your life that's going to make you feel miserable and unhappy.
 
Talina

Talina

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It’s okay to distance yourself and even leave people out from your life. Because what’s most important is your own health and happiness.

So if you take the step to distance yourself from your parents, it will give you the chance to grow as a person and focus on your own health.

Always remember that you are important and can decide what you want to do:hug:
 
C

Cocoabean22

Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Lincoln
First off, I am sorry that you are feeling this way. Your parents are supposed to be supportive. If you're feeling down, angry, if someone is making fun of you, parents are the ones that should be there to hug you and comfort you in your time of need and tell you that everything will be alright but I know that you didnt get that response.

Sounds to me from your post that you've been unhappy and depressed for a while.You mentioned that your parents were emotionally abusive and when you confided in them, they rejected what you said and instead, didnt speak to you for a week. That is absolutely horrible! When you said "I wish I could cry but I cannot because I am empty" and "I crave affection from others because my parents make me feel worthless", that just made my jaw drop. We didnt choose our parents BUT we can choose how we want to live our life.

I can empathize with you because I've been in the same situation. I went through a period of therapy and soul searching. The emotional abuse I endured from my parents really took a toll on my health. I was getting stomach aches and headaches as well as borderline personality disorder. I kept thinking something was wrong with me when in fact, it was the abuse that distorted my thought patterns to think that I was the problem. From the advice of my therapist, I did sort of a moratorium. I didnt completely cut my parents off, but I distanced myself from them. I only communicated if i needed to and OMG...i feel much much happier!

Like you, i was so angry and pissed off and needed to get away from it all. When I was in college, I moved out and had two jobs to support myself to pay for living expenses. It was difficult and demanding to work two jobs and go to school, but I was determined to get the f*ck out of there for my sanity. Ive cut others out of my life because I didnt feel the relationship was mutual. If I felt like I was the one putting more effort into the relationship, Im out! I know my worth and I know I am a damn good person. So, to answer your question, is it okay to cut people off from your life if they make you miserable? Sure. Why not? This is YOUR life. You dictate how you want to live. And lastly, dont let anyone in your life that's going to make you feel miserable and unhappy.
Thankyou for your reply, I am sorry about what you have gone through. I am glad that you have put yourself first. I wish you the best!
 
J

JoleneInCalifornia

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Joined
Nov 23, 2020
Messages
106
Location
Usa
Thankyou for your reply, I am sorry about what you have gone through. I am glad that you have put yourself first. I wish you the best!
Thanks! Definitely listen to your own advice as well and put yourself first. and know that YOU MATTER! Hugs XOXO
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I would see them less often, maybe not tell them much about how you feel or your life because then you are inviting them to comment.

I have had some similar problems.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Feb 27, 2020
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Nashua NH
I would recommend working towards becoming indoendent from them financially and otherwise while keeping them at an arms distance. Once you become more financially self sufficient you will be able to have greater ability to be on your own without them. I would never cut them out entirely, however. Life is very hard and your parents can be a strong support for you to lean on if for whatever reason things don’t work out. In the meantime distance yourself from them some. It is up to you whether or not you choose to involve yourself in their arguments or their dramatics. It is up to you whether you allow yourself to be affected by them or if instead you just blow them off entirely. I’m sure you will be able to find a healthy balance between keeping up relations for their own sake and doing you because you have to. Don’t allow them to trouble you the way you have been doing. Just do you and if they introduce their dramatics just go upstairs or somewhere else to leave them to deal with it on their own. I think that is the smart thing to do. xo, j
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I agree, independence is essential. You can also be physically living with someone but still be very independent.

I don't live with my mum but she still keeps a track of my spending, cleaning, eating, hair, everything. It is annoying and i find i am still hiding things from her when she comes over. She is in a mood with me at the moment for buying a new bed which i needed. It is none of her business but she thinks she is allowed to interfere and punish me with silence or a bad atmosphere, for a bed i have bought with my own money. It's upsetting.
 
N

Nukelavee

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Dec 17, 2019
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London, ON
Work to get some independence and distance, and self confidence. But don't totally cut things off, yet. you may find, after enough time passes, you can deal with them when you aren't trapped by your age/living arrangements.

I went through many years of not getting along with my parents, but never burned bridges. Now, things are good between us, so, keep in mind it could work that way for you.

honestly, though, it's your call - remember, you don't have to keep ties with them, but you might wish you had later on.
 

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