Is he depressed? Feel quite helpless

M

Minoussa

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#1
Hi all,

I was wondering if any of you can help me. Sorry it’s a long story.
My BF and I are together for 8 years now. I’m German, he’s British. We lived together in London. Last year we decided to move (back) to Germany. I was given a great Job opportunity back in my Hometown, which we both agreed I should take. The plan was I move first, find a flat etc. and he follows once he sorted out his work/life back in the UK. (He worked remotely and wanted to check if he can continue so while living in Germany.) I moved last year in April and he told me he will join me in the summer. Unfortunately he lost hisjob out of the blue six weeks before my move. As I couldn’t postpone it we decided I still move.
Over the last year he didn’t make an attempt in joining me. He moved back to his Annexe next to his parents’ house and indulges in ‘personal projects’ and playing computer games. I’m quite annoyed with that, as every time I asked him when he will join me in Germany, he tells me to ‘stop pressuring him’ or ‘project managing his life’.
We still visit each other on a regular basis. I tell him how much I miss him and he tells me does miss me too.

Things became worse on the Easter weekend; I had a flight booked 25th April to stay with him for 2 weeks. On Easter Sunday I went to see some friends and felt very lonely as I missed him so much. I told him that during our daily skype talk in the evening.
The next day (Easter Monday) he told me he doesn’t want me to come and he doesn’t want to see me! I was really shocked and speechless as he couldn’t tell me the reason why…
I decided to ignore it. And we still spoke for nearly 2 hours as every night; the same the next couple of days. I decided to still fly over to see him (although I asked friends if I could stay with them just in case). The night before my flight I told him I’m still coming. He told me he hasn’t clean the flat… Long before the ‘disagreement’ I offered to travel on my own from the airport so he can indulge in his only activity outside the flat (dancing). He told me he will leave the keys in a safe place and I should let myself in. As it happened we both arrived at the same time and he ran towards me, hugged me, kissed me and told me how happy he is that I am there.

Overall my visit was as always, he bought and prepared stuff for breakfast for me. We spent a lot of time together and had a lot of physical contact. By the end of my stay I asked him if he’s ok. He said there is stuff he needs to deal with by himself and he has no words to express them to me. I asked him about our relationship and he said it has nothing to do with me or our relationship. During my whole trip he mentioned our future in Germany and what he wants to do once he’s over there. He still does his daily German course and I told him how proud I am as I know it is not an easy language.
I left a few things behind (with his consent) as my suitcase was full. He delivered me to the airport and it was as heartbreaking as usual.

I came back on Tuesday (7th May) and while we were skyping on Wednesday and Thursday we said goodbye with a kiss through the camera (as usual). His texts also usually end with a kiss.
On Friday this stopped. When we talked I could sense a 'dark cloud' above him but he said he's ok. All messages since then without a kiss, saying goodbye on skype no kiss either. I asked him what’s wrong and he said he ‘doesn’t feel like it at the moment’. We still skype every night between 1- 2 hours as always and talking about everything as usual. But I really miss my kisses and was wondering if it is a form of silent treatment or punishment. But for what?
I am really confused and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to pressure him in making a decision but I also don’t want to loose him.

What can I do?
 
calypso

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#2
It sounds like he has got it too comfy at his parents house and isn't being responsible. Is he even looking for other work? It could be depression as he could have just let things go as a result of feeling helpless. I don't know actually, it certainly seems odd behaviour. I would worry that he is bottling things up. It doesn't sound as though he wants to get rid of the relationship as he is so happy to see you.
 
M

Minoussa

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#3
Is he even looking for other work?
Thanks for your reply.
He is casually looking for work. But doesn't really put lots of time/effort into it. When I was over he asked me if we could buy a new suit for interviews/work for him as he wanted my opinion on that matter. We did and bought one. Also he showed me jobs that were send to him via email and sounded interesting to him. He told me he might apply for them ( he didn't). I don't want to ask to many questions about it as I don't want to be a nuisance.

Fact is also a friend of us offered him a Job in his company here in Berlin! That friend told me he will keep this position open for him ( it's a contract role, as my BF always worked as a contractor.)

Since I'm back in Germany I can sense a 'dark cloud' above him but when I ask him he tells me everything is fine. (Apart from the missing kisses)
 
calypso

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#4
Seems odd that he won't take up that job opening. Are you sure he wants to move to Germany at all? It could be he is intimidated by it?? If he is depressed then suggest a doctor to him to see if anything can be done - that is if he would even go of course.
 
M

Minoussa

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#5
Seems odd that he won't take up that job opening. Are you sure he wants to move to Germany at all? It could be he is intimidated by it??
I've asked him that and told him that I can understand if he changed his mind or needs more time. That would be something I can 'work' with.
He told me he still wants to move and join me in Germany. He still does his German class and when I was over he spoke about stuff he wants to do once he's here. The whole idea of moving was first initiated by him. He wanted to move in 2014, but we couldn't for reasons. Hence we created a 5 year plan with the idea of moving this year at latest.

That's why I'm now so confused by his behaviour. And as I said, overall out skype 'dates' are as usual. We talk a lot but I don't get a kiss at the end. And I can sense the 'dark cloud'.

I'm feeling really helpless at the moment. Like I'm on a safe path where I can't/shouldn't mention certain topics (job, move, Germany). But on the either side of the path are minefields I need to avoid.

Does that make sense?
 
calypso

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#6
It makes sense what you are saying. What happens if you outright just say it to him that you are confused by him and ask him if he is depressed? I would write a letter to my husband (when we lived in the same house even) when I wanted to get something across. That gave me time to think through what I wanted to say and time for him to formulate an answer that wasn't as immediate as spoken word. Would that work?
 
M

Minoussa

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#7
It makes sense what you are saying. What happens if you outright just say it to him that you are confused by him and ask him if he is depressed?
I tried that once last year when he had a similar (but not as bad as now) situation. Unfortunately it blew right into my face, as he 'is not the person for mental health issues' and 'he's the most metal stable person he knows'...
Then he didn't spoke to me for a week and when I reached out to him again he accused me of hating him. that was around the time he was originally planning to move. It took a lot of talking to reassure him, I still love him no matter what and I flew over spent two weeks with him.

The thing is he was very supportive when I struggled with depressions a few years ago. I'm not sure if he 'understood' them, as he, at the beginning, constantly asked why I'm even depressed, as I have him, a roof over very my head and a job I loved. I explained him it had nothing to do with these things.

i was also thinking of writing a letter as well. also my friend in Munich suggested to come and visit her. I was thinking if I should suggest it to him, as I'm off a week in June. Usually I would fly over to London again, but scared he doesn't want me to come (again). So 'neutral ground' and new environment, might be good for him.
 
calypso

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#8
This is very tricky isn't it? I don't know what else to suggest. How are you feeling about all this? I hope you aren't getting too down about it. Obviously, you must be worried as hell though. My brother is seriously depressed but he also says he doesn't "do depression" so denies it.
 
M

Minoussa

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#9
This is very tricky isn't it? I don't know what else to suggest. How are you feeling about all this? I hope you aren't getting too down about it. Obviously, you must be worried as hell though. My brother is seriously depressed but he also says he doesn't "do depression" so denies it.
Luckily I have a very strong network of family and friends who I can rely on. It's the nights that really get me. I haven't slept well since I'm back and wake up around 2am and then struggle to fall back asleep.

He is in a good mood at the moment. So I'm tiptoeing around to make sure it doesn't change again.

I usually send him pictures of my day/activities if I'm doing something nice. So he knows what I'm up to and feels he's part of it. I don't know if I should still do to that as once he told me -very sad- he can't share anything with me as he's just on his computer the whole day.

As I said I would love to fly over asap to hug him and tell him everything will be fine.

I really hope we can sort this out as I strongly believe in 'being together in good times and in bad times'.
 
calypso

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#10
Its such a shame that he can't admit that he may be in trouble. I'm glad you are OK and have people to lean on through this time. Would he consider couples counselling as a way to get him to get help or would that just send alarm bells that something is wrong with your relationship when deep down you are fine together.
 
M

Minoussa

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#11
I considered Couples counselling but he will never do that. As everything is fine with our relationship, in his mind. Also it might be tricky as we're not in the same country at the moment.

I'm getting really exhausted as I can't stop thinking how to help him without endangering our relationship. I asked him last night if we're still fine as a couple and he said 'of course'. But deep inside I'm scared he might break up with me.
 
LadyDomino

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#12
Just a thought - the issue with Brexit - its uncertain so far as to what UK citizens workers rights will be like in other EU countries - could this be affecting him?
 
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Minoussa

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#13
Just a thought - the issue with Brexit - its uncertain so far as to what UK citizens workers rights will be like in other EU countries - could this be affecting him?
I don't know, tbh. We spoke about it and also discussed of getting married if necessary.
He told me more than once that he doesn't want to live in the UK anymore,as he doesn't feel it's his country anymore. He was very upset when Brexit was voted for.
 
M

Minoussa

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#14
I think I've got an update. Maybe.

I called him today and it was as usual. At some point I told him that there is something I would like to talk about with him. I mentioned that I have a week off in June but feel like he doesn't want me to come over to London again. I told him straight that this would be ok for me as I was thinking of visiting my friend in Munich. Where he is more than welcome to jin me. He said he would love to but needs to be alone for a while. I told him that I'm concerned about him and he said he understands and appreciates it. Also he knows that I am there for him and he can talk to me if the wants/feels like it. But he doesn't at the moment. He wants to focus on getting a new job adn get back on 'his feet'. He might come and visit me in July for few days. Depending how he feels.

He also said we're ok. (I think that's a good thing...?) he still wants to be part of my life and enjoys the pictures I've sent him when I see something nice.

Overall we spoke for 2,5 hours. Surprinsingly although I am still quite worried about him, I'm feeling a bit less concerned. I booked my ticket to see my friend and looking forward to spent a few days focussing on myself.

I feeling a bit more positive now.
 
M

Minoussa

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#15
It's me again. Although I don't think anyone will read this anymore. But at least I've got it of my chest. I asked him about his recent behaviour towards me and he told me again that he needs to be alone at the moment. I told him that I'm concerned and also hurt as I'm feeling quite helpless. He then told me he's not sure if he wants to be in a relationship at the moment... he still has strong feelings for me and still wants to video skype with me everyday. It's still his daily highlight. I asked him I'd he's breaking up with me and he said he's not sure. We agreed that we need to talk in person as I don't want to talk about these things over Skype. He told me he still doesn't want to see me but daily skype is ok... I can come to London whenever I'm ready and we can meet at a neutral place. He said that he wants to have me in his life forever and he wants to talk everyday to know what I'm up to as well as our friends.

I'm really confused. And upset. And can't stop crying as I would like to fly over asap. But then think he needs more time/space. It feels like a very irrational behaviour. When I told him that I think he has deeper issues he was blocking off and am used as a buffer ad I am around he said that's impossible.

What can I do? I wish I could turn back the time when everything was OK. Or just dissappear.
 
Mayflower7

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#16
Hi,
We're still reading and care, so sorry things are still confusing.
Hope things work out okay for you.
Take care
 
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Peter H

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#17
Hi,

I have just read through this entire post and the overwhelming feeling I had was that it sounds like he needs to stop being so selfish and consider your feelings - I mean does he even realise that his actions have caused you to write about this online - that to me seems like a big step. I cannot give advice since I have my own issues I need to resolve I can only give my opinion but seriously, you sound very kind and understanding - perhaps he needs to realise how lucky he is! I have recently split up with my partner... if she would have shown the same level of commitment and consideration that it appears you do I would have fought tooth and nail for her.

I truly hope you find a way to resolve your problem but I think you should also recognise that you are a good person (based on what I have read) and that relationships are a two way street - there must be give and take on both sides and not just one individual (you) doing all the giving.

Just my opinion by the way so please do not take offence.
 
M

Minoussa

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#18
Thanks Peter, for your kind words.
I don't think he realised what I'm trying to do for him/us. I know he still has strong feelings for me (he said so) but I also know he has some deeper underlining issues. I feel like I'm just a visualisation of an issue he can (verbally) beat into. Does that make sense? He knows how much this will hurt me.

He is still the love if my life and will carry on fighting for our relationship. But I'm getting more and more exhausted
 
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Minoussa

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#19
Hey, I haven't wrote anything for a while as I needed to focus on myself. But now I need some advice if anyone is out there that can help.

After our talk a few weeks ago where he said he needs time/space I gave both to him. I didn't call him everyday but when we spoke it was usually between 1-2 hours. The 'darkness' is still around him but he has good days and bad days. He's currently writing a database for me, that I can use for my PhD. He was very excited when I told him I need something and offered it straight away. He still sends quite ambivalent messages.

The problem is now that I have to fly to London this coming Wednesday! And I'm scared. Really scared. He doesn't know yet as I thought I tell him at a short notice, so he can't think about it too much or goes back into his deep spiral. (Does that make sense?)
I am staying the whole week and can stay with some friends. I don't know what to do if he doesn't want to see me. Or if he does but doesn't want to talk. Or even worse if he wants to break up. I want to save our relationship sp any advice of how to behave would be much appreciated.

Anyone can help? I haven't slept in 2 weeks now. :(
 
Mayflower7

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#20
Hi,
That's great he wants to help you, maybe tell him your coming asap so you can discuss. It might help clear your mind.
Hope things go okay for you.
Take care
 

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