is having a favourite person unhealthy

blknbrdrline

blknbrdrline

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#21
I personally think it's bad.. because I used to get too dependant on my fav person at the time and I would get so hurt and annoyed if they spent time with anyone else, even tho I was so annoyed with myself for getting like that as I am not a stalker or jealous psycho, but I would have an awful time in My head if I wasn't the only one they liked.
and let's face it that's not gonna happen so I distance myself from everyone now, I don't trust myself to have friends, I don't go anywhere to make friends anymore and I lost all my old ones from me pushing everyone away,
but I notice I do it with my mum, I had to move back in with her and her partner and when she goes out it irritates me! why can't she stay at home so I know she is downstairs, and if she wants to talk to someone why can't she come and talk to me she knows I'm all alone.!
that's how my mind works/thinks but I'm aware that I'm being a weird selfish person!
Sorry, I'm not great at explaining hope that sort of makes sense.
I stopped talking to people around April/May of 2018. I went from May-August 2018 with only conversing with my co-workers. My birthday is in August and I broke down so my great-grandmother could see me. Next month will be a full year since I last spoke to my father and a year in May/September since I last spoke to 2 of my exes.

On one hand I’m proud of myself, because I feel like I’m doing something different by not being so dependent of others and on the other hand, I’m sad because I don’t have any healthy relationships.

Unfortunately, my favorites people were also ex girlfriends or people I had been sexually involved with.

Sex complicated the relationships even more. I felt powerless when it came to my favorite people; I would do anything for them. I didn’t like that. It scared me. Although it felt good to know them, spend time with them, and talk to these people, I always doubted they really liked me for me and I was terrified of losing them.

It’s a lot I cannot control for example, the inevitable death of my grandparents, but I can control who I talk to and even though it’s the opposite of what I want as far as the relationships in my life, I find safety in knowing I can’t lose those specific people.
 
L

Lonely Planet

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#22
I spent 15 years as you describe. Staying home, only talking to work colleagues and people in shops. Had to do the family thing at Christmas but that was it. Haven't spoken to my mother in 16 years (hooray!)
My anxiety etc was completely under control.
But it's not healthy really.
Trouble is, since I started making friends again (in the last 12 months) it's triggered everything and now I'm back at rock bottom. I don't want to go back to coping the way I did even though it works. This time I want to get better AND keep a friend. Surely that's not too much to ask?
 
L

Lonely Planet

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#23
I felt powerless when it came to my favorite people; I would do anything for them. I didn’t like that. It scared me. Although it felt good to know them, spend time with them, and talk to these people, I always doubted they really liked me for me and I was terrified of losing them.
Totally get where you are coming from. This is just what I feel. So then push her away, then get angry with myself, and end up having to apologise....again......urgh....
 
BPDevil

BPDevil

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#24
I can relate to that lonely, I don't really have a friend group or close friends because my triggers start back up. I had a friend group last year in college of about 5-6 people, lost them all by the end of college, it was like that in school as well
 
BPDevil

BPDevil

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#25
I have casual friends I talk to every few months and catch up with, but it isn't the same
 
blknbrdrline

blknbrdrline

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#26
I spent 15 years as you describe. Staying home, only talking to work colleagues and people in shops. Had to do the family thing at Christmas but that was it. Haven't spoken to my mother in 16 years (hooray!)
My anxiety etc was completely under control.
But it's not healthy really.
Trouble is, since I started making friends again (in the last 12 months) it's triggered everything and now I'm back at rock bottom. I don't want to go back to coping the way I did even though it works. This time I want to get better AND keep a friend. Surely that's not too much to ask?
Yeah, I think about reaching out, that’s why I’m here. I’m assuming this community will be more empathetic to me. Haven’t been getting any positive results in the real world or other social media sites.
 
blknbrdrline

blknbrdrline

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#27
Totally get where you are coming from. This is just what I feel. So then push her away, then get angry with myself, and end up having to apologise....again......urgh....
Yeah I don’t want to go back. I’m 36 now and I met this particular fp when we were both 18. Enough is enough. No more of repeating the cycle.
 
blknbrdrline

blknbrdrline

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#28
I can relate to that lonely, I don't really have a friend group or close friends because my triggers start back up. I had a friend group last year in college of about 5-6 people, lost them all by the end of college, it was like that in school as well

People like me initially, and I’m usually shocked that they do, then I do something to turn them off; not exactly what it is that I do, but they end up not wanting anything to do with me.

Rejection is a bitch! It’s the worst feeling. Funny it hurts me more when it’s ppl I barely know. Sorry if I’m going off topic. I feel like I am.
 
E

Effington

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#29
Its good if that person loves you as much as you love them... my partner is my fp.. and he has literally saved me. Somehow we have a very healthy relationship and i believe thats because we both love and need each other the same amount. You have to just learn to keep your expectations realistic.. i used to argue with him but i think i expected too much from him but you have to learn to see things from their perspective. Plus hes proven himself to me and i think thats important with having bpd as ive been let down a lot.
 
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Overthinker420

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#30
I was just about to start a thread about this and seen that you posted. Wow.
So yeah, please don't feel like this isn't something that doesn't happen to other people.
I've been with my partner for 10 years and recently I have reconnected with an old friend who I have become weirdly obsessed with. I just want to be around that person all the time & when he mentions other friends I find it really hard not to act bothered. There's nothing sexual in it, but I still feel guilty as I love my partner very much and don't want to offend him. I just love talking to and being around them. Although i don't wish this obsession on anyone it's nice to know I'm not alone.
Take care & here if you want to chat 😊
 
4EVRHSP

4EVRHSP

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#31
Putting immense pressure on other people to live up to my expectations has costed me everyone in my life. I never thought it was wrong because I was willing to go that far for them too.
 
snowfreckled

snowfreckled

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#32
Depending on one person to fulfill all the deep, unmet needs and expecting them to continually boost our self-esteem is very unhealthy and damaging. It's giving so much power and casting responsibility on a fallible human. It may give a quick fix but the price quickly grows too high. It's not worth it.
There are much healthier ways to meet those important needs. And our self-esteem should depend as little as possible on external validation. This is one of the harder battles for those with BPD, but every bit of effort is worth it.
 
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EstherRose94

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#34
why do people have relationships then
That’s what I start to think too. I think we’re getting caught up in the black/white thinking. There has to be a healthy balance but I feel like I can’t see it.
 
BPDevil

BPDevil

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#35
I lashed out at my FP for the first time in ages last night and now I feel like a shitty person
 
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EstherRose94

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#36
Aw I’m sorry. That guilt is the worst.

Everyone makes mistakes though. Apologize and try to move forward and know that your friend will forgive you even if it’s uncomfy for a day or two.

Give your friend time to heal too and once you’re both calmed down you can talk about it again if needed and then get back to normal.
 
BPDevil

BPDevil

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#37
Aw I’m sorry. That guilt is the worst.

Everyone makes mistakes though. Apologize and try to move forward and know that your friend will forgive you even if it’s uncomfy for a day or two.

Give your friend time to heal too and once you’re both calmed down you can talk about it again if needed and then get back to normal.
he forgives me too easily and rarely gets mad at me which is part of the problem, i dont deserve to be forgiven
 
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EstherRose94

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#38
Are you kidding? That sounds great. Of course you deserve to be forgiven. It’s great that you have an understanding friend like that 😊
 
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EstherRose94

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#39
You’re taking responsibility for your part in it but you should also accept the forgiveness you get from your friend. I’m sure you’d do the same for him
 
BPDevil

BPDevil

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#40
Are you kidding? That sounds great. Of course you deserve to be forgiven. It’s great that you have an understanding friend like that 😊
im still scared he will get fed up and leave, i dont want to keep apologising to then do it over again, its not fair on him, subconsciously i think im using or abusing him even though I know I can't help it and definitely don't take pleasure in it
 

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