• Hi. It’s great to see you. Welcome!

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

is having a favourite person unhealthy

E

EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
1,622
Location
USA
I’m sorry that you both feel shame for wanting to focus on yourself. It is completely healthy and awesome to do so. I wish I felt more motivation to care for myself rather than obsess over relationships to such an extreme that I lose myself.
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
7,274
Location
NZ
Wow that makes sense. I’m more like dependent on others to care for me or at least I think I would want to be but I know I can’t do that. I’m kinda on the other end of the spectrum where if anything my parents coddled me but I still have trouble self soothing. I know to be independent but to me a trusting relationship means basically becoming one person with my partner. Used to be like that with friends, realized it isn’t effective. Must have been like that with my mom? I even answer to her name! But I have a hard time getting over that even my future husband won’t be like one person with me. And I don’t understand why not. It seems like it should be possible to make it work that way because if not like what’s the point? I guess I look to others for fulfillment but aren’t relationships really important in life? I can’t draw the line I either want to be solo or symbiotic. In between makes me so anxious!
 
L

Lonely Planet

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 26, 2019
Messages
61
Location
UK
I think people that have been neglected or abused not being nurtured havnt really been shown those skills.
I've been great putting others needs first,but I really had no idea that caring and loving oneself is normal and healthy way to live.
I had no idea that its ok to like yourself and that we need to nurture ourselves,and allowed to be nurtured.
I thought I didn't deserve others help,
I had never asked anyone this before one day out of the blue I asked my husband if he liked that person in the mirror,himself and he said of course he does. I thought to myself that's weird. My husbands are well grounded person etc so I looked at him and thought I guess we do need to love ourselves.
He looks after himself. Guess it made me think,
So yeh I had a lot to learn
I thought loving yourself was a bad thing.
Its weird thinking that's what I believed back then
You always say exactly what I feel Megirl.
My psychotherapist keeps emphasising being kind myself but I find it really difficult to change so many decades of the belief system you describe.
 
megirl

megirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2010
Messages
7,274
Location
NZ
I was going to say its like a new way of life, it actually is a new way of life.
It seems so basic,but we've effectively been brain-washed that we dont deserve to be nurtured, let alone not been taught how to nurture ourselves.
Who would have thought,really.
It was a revelation when my then husband said of course he likes himself.
Sad hey.
The psychologist said to me recently,that part of her job is to repair the damage some parents do to their children.
Shes correct
 
L

Lonely Planet

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 26, 2019
Messages
61
Location
UK
I can't do without my fp yet at the same time the relationship is a cause of anxiety and worry for me.
And I find it too hard to be nice to myself. I keep trying what my therapist suggests but I just feel like I am faking it or pretending and I don't really believe I deserve it or believe what I am telling myself.
He has also told me to look back to my 15 year old self and try and take care of them. He calls it rescuing her.
So far, still drowning
 
B

blknbrdrline

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
USA
I personally think it's bad.. because I used to get too dependant on my fav person at the time and I would get so hurt and annoyed if they spent time with anyone else, even tho I was so annoyed with myself for getting like that as I am not a stalker or jealous psycho, but I would have an awful time in My head if I wasn't the only one they liked.
and let's face it that's not gonna happen so I distance myself from everyone now, I don't trust myself to have friends, I don't go anywhere to make friends anymore and I lost all my old ones from me pushing everyone away,
but I notice I do it with my mum, I had to move back in with her and her partner and when she goes out it irritates me! why can't she stay at home so I know she is downstairs, and if she wants to talk to someone why can't she come and talk to me she knows I'm all alone.!
that's how my mind works/thinks but I'm aware that I'm being a weird selfish person!
Sorry, I'm not great at explaining hope that sort of makes sense.
I stopped talking to people around April/May of 2018. I went from May-August 2018 with only conversing with my co-workers. My birthday is in August and I broke down so my great-grandmother could see me. Next month will be a full year since I last spoke to my father and a year in May/September since I last spoke to 2 of my exes.

On one hand I’m proud of myself, because I feel like I’m doing something different by not being so dependent of others and on the other hand, I’m sad because I don’t have any healthy relationships.

Unfortunately, my favorites people were also ex girlfriends or people I had been sexually involved with.

Sex complicated the relationships even more. I felt powerless when it came to my favorite people; I would do anything for them. I didn’t like that. It scared me. Although it felt good to know them, spend time with them, and talk to these people, I always doubted they really liked me for me and I was terrified of losing them.

It’s a lot I cannot control for example, the inevitable death of my grandparents, but I can control who I talk to and even though it’s the opposite of what I want as far as the relationships in my life, I find safety in knowing I can’t lose those specific people.
 
L

Lonely Planet

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 26, 2019
Messages
61
Location
UK
I spent 15 years as you describe. Staying home, only talking to work colleagues and people in shops. Had to do the family thing at Christmas but that was it. Haven't spoken to my mother in 16 years (hooray!)
My anxiety etc was completely under control.
But it's not healthy really.
Trouble is, since I started making friends again (in the last 12 months) it's triggered everything and now I'm back at rock bottom. I don't want to go back to coping the way I did even though it works. This time I want to get better AND keep a friend. Surely that's not too much to ask?
 
L

Lonely Planet

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 26, 2019
Messages
61
Location
UK
I felt powerless when it came to my favorite people; I would do anything for them. I didn’t like that. It scared me. Although it felt good to know them, spend time with them, and talk to these people, I always doubted they really liked me for me and I was terrified of losing them.
Totally get where you are coming from. This is just what I feel. So then push her away, then get angry with myself, and end up having to apologise....again......urgh....
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
1,377
Location
Lost
I can relate to that lonely, I don't really have a friend group or close friends because my triggers start back up. I had a friend group last year in college of about 5-6 people, lost them all by the end of college, it was like that in school as well
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
1,377
Location
Lost
I have casual friends I talk to every few months and catch up with, but it isn't the same
 
B

blknbrdrline

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
USA
I spent 15 years as you describe. Staying home, only talking to work colleagues and people in shops. Had to do the family thing at Christmas but that was it. Haven't spoken to my mother in 16 years (hooray!)
My anxiety etc was completely under control.
But it's not healthy really.
Trouble is, since I started making friends again (in the last 12 months) it's triggered everything and now I'm back at rock bottom. I don't want to go back to coping the way I did even though it works. This time I want to get better AND keep a friend. Surely that's not too much to ask?
Yeah, I think about reaching out, that’s why I’m here. I’m assuming this community will be more empathetic to me. Haven’t been getting any positive results in the real world or other social media sites.
 
B

blknbrdrline

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
USA
Totally get where you are coming from. This is just what I feel. So then push her away, then get angry with myself, and end up having to apologise....again......urgh....
Yeah I don’t want to go back. I’m 36 now and I met this particular fp when we were both 18. Enough is enough. No more of repeating the cycle.
 
B

blknbrdrline

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2019
Messages
15
Location
USA
I can relate to that lonely, I don't really have a friend group or close friends because my triggers start back up. I had a friend group last year in college of about 5-6 people, lost them all by the end of college, it was like that in school as well

People like me initially, and I’m usually shocked that they do, then I do something to turn them off; not exactly what it is that I do, but they end up not wanting anything to do with me.

Rejection is a bitch! It’s the worst feeling. Funny it hurts me more when it’s ppl I barely know. Sorry if I’m going off topic. I feel like I am.
 
E

Effington

New member
Joined
Mar 8, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Surrey
Its good if that person loves you as much as you love them... my partner is my fp.. and he has literally saved me. Somehow we have a very healthy relationship and i believe thats because we both love and need each other the same amount. You have to just learn to keep your expectations realistic.. i used to argue with him but i think i expected too much from him but you have to learn to see things from their perspective. Plus hes proven himself to me and i think thats important with having bpd as ive been let down a lot.
 
O

Overthinker420

Member
Joined
Dec 27, 2018
Messages
23
Location
United Kingdom
I was just about to start a thread about this and seen that you posted. Wow.
So yeah, please don't feel like this isn't something that doesn't happen to other people.
I've been with my partner for 10 years and recently I have reconnected with an old friend who I have become weirdly obsessed with. I just want to be around that person all the time & when he mentions other friends I find it really hard not to act bothered. There's nothing sexual in it, but I still feel guilty as I love my partner very much and don't want to offend him. I just love talking to and being around them. Although i don't wish this obsession on anyone it's nice to know I'm not alone.
Take care & here if you want to chat 😊
 
Top