is having a favourite person unhealthy

BPDevil

BPDevil

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#1
I've been thinking about this for a while, I've known my FP for 4 years, when I first met him I didn't know I had BPD or why I had such intense feelings for him, but when finding out and reading up on this, everything about our friendship was textbook definition

so I'm just wondering what people's opinions or experiences on having a favourite person are, if it's good or bad, or if it can be good for one person, but destructive for another
 
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shado

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#2
I personally think it's bad.. because I used to get too dependant on my fav person at the time and I would get so hurt and annoyed if they spent time with anyone else, even tho I was so annoyed with myself for getting like that as I am not a stalker or jealous psycho, but I would have an awful time in My head if I wasn't the only one they liked.
and let's face it that's not gonna happen so I distance myself from everyone now, I don't trust myself to have friends, I don't go anywhere to make friends anymore and I lost all my old ones from me pushing everyone away,
but I notice I do it with my mum, I had to move back in with her and her partner and when she goes out it irritates me! why can't she stay at home so I know she is downstairs, and if she wants to talk to someone why can't she come and talk to me she knows I'm all alone.!
that's how my mind works/thinks but I'm aware that I'm being a weird selfish person!
Sorry, I'm not great at explaining hope that sort of makes sense.
 
BPDevil

BPDevil

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#3
I personally think it's bad.. because I used to get too dependant on my fav person at the time and I would get so hurt and annoyed if they spent time with anyone else, even tho I was so annoyed with myself for getting like that as I am not a stalker or jealous psycho, but I would have an awful time in My head if I wasn't the only one they liked.
and let's face it that's not gonna happen so I distance myself from everyone now, I don't trust myself to have friends, I don't go anywhere to make friends anymore and I lost all my old ones from me pushing everyone away,
but I notice I do it with my mum, I had to move back in with her and her partner and when she goes out it irritates me! why can't she stay at home so I know she is downstairs, and if she wants to talk to someone why can't she come and talk to me she knows I'm all alone.!
that's how my mind works/thinks but I'm aware that I'm being a weird selfish person!
Sorry, I'm not great at explaining hope that sort of makes sense.
I don't find it weird, whenever my fp told me he had a girlfriend it would ruin my mood for the next few days because I'd be full of jealousy, the thought of him just liking someone more than me made me upset

I want to still have an fp, I also want it to be healthy, but I haven't seen any success stories really on being able to maintain a friendship like this
 
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EstherRose94

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#5
I’ve kinda had this question too. Like if I crave an FP and I find one who is willing to be loyal to me then like wouldn’t that be just a really good, close friendship? But like my expectations might be more than a person could possibly give. Could that person ever exist for me? Also, couldn’t people with BPD be each other’s FPs?
 
M

megirl

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#6
I gather if one was to treat themselves as we would like to be treated ourselves, I guess the sayings true we need to love ourselves first,
 
BPDevil

BPDevil

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#7
I’ve kinda had this question too. Like if I crave an FP and I find one who is willing to be loyal to me then like wouldn’t that be just a really good, close friendship? But like my expectations might be more than a person could possibly give. Could that person ever exist for me? Also, couldn’t people with BPD be each other’s FPs?
you would think it would be like a close friendship, but it isn't in a way because your moods and usually triggers revolve around them
 
BPDevil

BPDevil

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#8
lately though I've been managing to control the impulses to lash out at my fp, I think I only have once since the start of the year which is a huge improvement and our friendship has been a lot better because of it
 
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EstherRose94

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#9
That’s awesome BPDevil! I think my bf (Accidentally made him my fp) and I are closer when I control those impulses too. Thanks for reminding me, it’s been a week full of triggers haha. And megirl I think you’re absolutely right. You have to be your own fp in a way. I find it helpful to imagine that the logical part of myself is kinda a separate person who is there to help me out and won’t (can’t) ever leave. Then I can “talk it out” within myself. That might be a baby step to self-confidence.
 
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megirl

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#10
EstherRose94
Yes my previous psychotherapist, got me to look at myself as a child and as an adult (me,the person I am now) to put my hand out and let that child in me know that I do care for her,that I am worthy,that I deserve all the help I can get,that I will nurture her.
 
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EstherRose94

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#11
Yeah I’ve read about that sort of thing. Like do most people just know to do that or do they not need to? I’ve kindof always done that but I called it having an imaginary friend when I was young
 
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megirl

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#12
I think people that have been neglected or abused not being nurtured havnt really been shown those skills.
I've been great putting others needs first,but I really had no idea that caring and loving oneself is normal and healthy way to live.
I had no idea that its ok to like yourself and that we need to nurture ourselves,and allowed to be nurtured.
I thought I didn't deserve others help,
I had never asked anyone this before one day out of the blue I asked my husband if he liked that person in the mirror,himself and he said of course he does. I thought to myself that's weird. My husbands are well grounded person etc so I looked at him and thought I guess we do need to love ourselves.
He looks after himself. Guess it made me think,
So yeh I had a lot to learn
I thought loving yourself was a bad thing.
Its weird thinking that's what I believed back then
 
BPDevil

BPDevil

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#13
my mum used to make me feel shameful for wanting to do something for myself or put myself first, she'd throw the word selfish around even if it was actually completely normal and healthy to do, I still experience that same shame sometimes because I believe I don't deserve to care or love myself
 
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megirl

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#14
It feels strange looking back at some of my beliefs and what I thought was concrete and installed in my brain
Its hard to believe how my thinking has changed
Yes me too BPDevil I felt ashamed and my mother certainly didn't help.
She would say I was selfish and my brother would say things like 'who do you think you are,suppose you like yourself.
Or 'people think you nice but we know you're just evil'
List goes on ...
 
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EstherRose94

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#15
Wow that makes sense. I’m more like dependent on others to care for me or at least I think I would want to be but I know I can’t do that. I’m kinda on the other end of the spectrum where if anything my parents coddled me but I still have trouble self soothing. I know to be independent but to me a trusting relationship means basically becoming one person with my partner. Used to be like that with friends, realized it isn’t effective. Must have been like that with my mom? I even answer to her name! But I have a hard time getting over that even my future husband won’t be like one person with me. And I don’t understand why not. It seems like it should be possible to make it work that way because if not like what’s the point? I guess I look to others for fulfillment but aren’t relationships really important in life? I can’t draw the line I either want to be solo or symbiotic. In between makes me so anxious!
 
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EstherRose94

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#16
I’m sorry that you both feel shame for wanting to focus on yourself. It is completely healthy and awesome to do so. I wish I felt more motivation to care for myself rather than obsess over relationships to such an extreme that I lose myself.
 
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megirl

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#17
Wow that makes sense. I’m more like dependent on others to care for me or at least I think I would want to be but I know I can’t do that. I’m kinda on the other end of the spectrum where if anything my parents coddled me but I still have trouble self soothing. I know to be independent but to me a trusting relationship means basically becoming one person with my partner. Used to be like that with friends, realized it isn’t effective. Must have been like that with my mom? I even answer to her name! But I have a hard time getting over that even my future husband won’t be like one person with me. And I don’t understand why not. It seems like it should be possible to make it work that way because if not like what’s the point? I guess I look to others for fulfillment but aren’t relationships really important in life? I can’t draw the line I either want to be solo or symbiotic. In between makes me so anxious!
 
L

Lonely Planet

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#18
I think people that have been neglected or abused not being nurtured havnt really been shown those skills.
I've been great putting others needs first,but I really had no idea that caring and loving oneself is normal and healthy way to live.
I had no idea that its ok to like yourself and that we need to nurture ourselves,and allowed to be nurtured.
I thought I didn't deserve others help,
I had never asked anyone this before one day out of the blue I asked my husband if he liked that person in the mirror,himself and he said of course he does. I thought to myself that's weird. My husbands are well grounded person etc so I looked at him and thought I guess we do need to love ourselves.
He looks after himself. Guess it made me think,
So yeh I had a lot to learn
I thought loving yourself was a bad thing.
Its weird thinking that's what I believed back then
You always say exactly what I feel Megirl.
My psychotherapist keeps emphasising being kind myself but I find it really difficult to change so many decades of the belief system you describe.
 
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megirl

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#19
I was going to say its like a new way of life, it actually is a new way of life.
It seems so basic,but we've effectively been brain-washed that we dont deserve to be nurtured, let alone not been taught how to nurture ourselves.
Who would have thought,really.
It was a revelation when my then husband said of course he likes himself.
Sad hey.
The psychologist said to me recently,that part of her job is to repair the damage some parents do to their children.
Shes correct
 
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Lonely Planet

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#20
I can't do without my fp yet at the same time the relationship is a cause of anxiety and worry for me.
And I find it too hard to be nice to myself. I keep trying what my therapist suggests but I just feel like I am faking it or pretending and I don't really believe I deserve it or believe what I am telling myself.
He has also told me to look back to my 15 year old self and try and take care of them. He calls it rescuing her.
So far, still drowning