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Is anyone else in the same boat as me?

J

Jordizle

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Joined
Feb 15, 2021
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7
Location
Hull
Is anyone else in the same boat as me?

Ok, I have a pretty rubbish situation I'm stuck in right now and i'm just curious to see if there's anyone in the same boat as me or who could share with me any wisdom on the subject. Here's what the subject is and a lot of backstory.

It's basically that I'm lost, alone and socially inept, to put it short.

I was very very confident in primary school and everything was great, this carried through Into the first year of high school but towards the end of that year I got into a situation with some classmates that ended in me being humiliated, which resulted in me being bullied and ridiculed pretty much every day of school until I finished, every day of it was torture leaving me with no confidence whatsoever also leaving me completely submissive and scared of everything...
Up until the end of school though I had decent friends and one best friend who I had for years, I stayed in contact with the best friend for just a few months after school, we drifted apart unfortunately, he's a thing of the past now, I have no friends whatsoever as of today.

Also, I have grown up with two sisters, a younger and older, and my mother as a single parent, I've never seen my father. This complete lack of male companionship growing up paired with an abusive alcoholic douche of a step father for a few years (my mother moved on thank God) and what happened at school is why I am a complete beta, all very valid reasons to be one I believe, I also hate to use that term but it describes me, I guess. I am fighting every day to be more of a man but it is a near Impossible one for me at the minute.

I was diagnosed with social phobia and GAD a few years after school.

I am currently 22 and if a woman speaks to me I completely lose all control over my brain and body and turn into an awkward stuttering mess (it's worth mentioning that my last girlfriend was in that first year of high school, a decade ago where life was better and I had my confidence, I had 3 girlfriends in a few months which is nothing to be proud of but that's how kids be sometimes I suppose.

I have had no jobs whatsoever and am currently on employment and support allowance, within the past year I have been searching for any jobs I can do in retail before opening hours so I can avoid people completely. It's also worth mentioning here that when I'm on my own I am very capable but that falls apart as soon as anyone is near me, meaning I would be completely useless at any job that isn't completely solo. That also means that everybody's first impression of me, even the majority of my family's up until present is that I'm stupid, useless and boring because that is how I appear at first. I imagine that's how it goes for everyone with this condition though.

Also when it comes to my hobbies, I'm into cycling as of pretty recently and gaming as of a long a** time lol. The reason I bring my hobbies up though is because I hate that none of my family share similar interests, mainly gaming. With my condition being a thing I am scared to even join a headset party or discord thingie and haven't for years so online gamer buds are off the table right now(I lost good Internet friends a few years ago because of this). I would love to be able to share some laughs with peeps while playing games though but I can't so I play alone exclusively whenever I do play. When it comes to family too, what i wouldn't give for a relative who enjoyed the same games as me, a brother, sister, uncle, aunt, anyone, that would make everything so much better day to day, if you have that you seriously shouldn't take it for granted. The only other person in my family who I'm close with who has a slight interest in gaming is my little sister, who literally yawns when I mention anything about any of the games I play, she only plays Fortnite and isn't happy with a game unless she's shooting somebody. I am very much the black sheep of the family with not having the slightest interest in sport also which is understandable because of how I was raised, my family doesn't understand me in the slightest and don't really care about me for the most part, other than my mother who i do love and she me but there's love, sheltering and a good few conversations there but no understanding really. Whereas my cousins who do have an interest in football and rugby and connect so effortlessly with the rest of the family through that the lucky a holes (I don't just say that out of badness they really are, one stole money off of me when I trusted him and the other is really cheeky and cocky).

I would absolutely love to have a girlfriend who I could chill with and play games and banter but I can't consider even talking to women until I've gotten over this nonsense.

I have considered therapy in the past and it may become a thing at some point i hope. I am miserable, depressed and lonely 99% of the time but I have no suicidal thoughts because I'm still fighting and holding out hope for the future, it could always be worse and people pull through all the time.

Do any of you reading this relate to anything I said about myself? A good chat would be nice if you do. We might be able to figure some of it out.
 
A

AndyRoo3279

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Feb 15, 2021
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16
Location
Scarborough
I'm 41,also the black sheep. I was the same age as you when I had no job,no confidence, played consoles on my own,I would only go out at night to avoid people. But with time,I started driving lessons with my benefit,I had one lesson a fortnight. Took me a year,it was the best thing I ever did. Because then jobs come up that I could take due to having a licence. And then little breaks happen for you. You don't notice it till your older. It will give you huge confidence that you've picked yourself up,and you are dependant on yourself,which is all you need. I'm sure things will fall into place for you in the future,I hope my story helps,if not,keep posting,help is here.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,206
Hi Jordizle, thank you for your post and welcome to the Forum. I'd like to say that when we don't fulfil our expectations of ourselves it can leave us deflated, embarassed and a feeling of low worth. You come across as someone who isn't happy with your current situation, which means there is probably a incentive for change (change can be a very good thing). One person's perception of being a Man etc. may well differ to another's. What is important is how you feel about yourself. If there are elements of yourself you aren't happy with, change them, always starting with the easiest. If you aspire to be different, again starting with the easiest gradually make progress. If you would like to learn new things, there is a wealth of information at our finger tips, sometimes people even make videos on YouTube giving easy tutorials in plain language that everybody understands. There really is a wealth of opportunities these days (as someone already mentioned learning to drive could be a option), sometimes it's just a question of motivation and taking a interest. Have you also thought about speaking to your Doctor etc. about this :hug:
 
J

Jordizle

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Joined
Feb 15, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Hull
Thank you, your words help. I'm really glad things worked out for you and I've been thinking that getting some responsibilities and making little changes in life is the right thing to do. I feel as though then things really do just fall into place like you said. Well I hope at least haha. Maybe I'll have a job and my own place when this virus does one. Its only up from there surely. (Also I go to the gym at 3am, how's that for extreme? lol).
 
J

Jordizle

Member
Joined
Feb 15, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Hull
Hi Jordizle, thank you for your post and welcome to the Forum. I'd like to say that when we don't fulfil our expectations of ourselves it can leave us deflated, embarassed and a feeling of low worth. You come across as someone who isn't happy with your current situation, which means there is probably a incentive for change (change can be a very good thing). One person's perception of being a Man etc. may well differ to another's. What is important is how you feel about yourself. If there are elements of yourself you aren't happy with, change them, always starting with the easiest. If you aspire to be different, again starting with the easiest gradually make progress. If you would like to learn new things, there is a wealth of information at our finger tips, sometimes people even make videos on YouTube giving easy tutorials in plain language that everybody understands. There really is a wealth of opportunities these days (as someone already mentioned learning to drive could be a option), sometimes it's just a question of motivation and taking a interest. Have you also thought about speaking to your Doctor etc. about this :hug:
Thank you, the absolute best change I've made was getting into the whole fitness thing, for a year now I've been cycling a lot of miles weekly and feel very empowered after powering up large hills and stuff lol, i lost 4 st, that is a huge confidence boost for me and I'm going to make more and more changes for sure. It's just been a bit of a let down for me because with the snow and ice I haven't been able to get those endorphins released on my bike because I'll take a hike. I may also bring it up with my doc too, its just 50/50 when I bring it up that I'll either give him the clear picture or that I'll forget the entirety of the English vocabulary idk.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Thank you for your reply :) The more relevant stuff we tell our Doctor's, the more they can help us. What really boosted my self-confidence and self-esteem was taking up Sport Karate. It was around your age too, for me it was life changing. If I had my chance again I would take up Mixed Martial Arts, for me I think it's more effective. Just getting out and mixing though helps, and learning valuable skills on top is a no-brainer... You mentioned you have two sisters, may I ask, are there many years that separate you?
 
J

Jordizle

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Location
Hull
Thank you for your reply :) The more relevant stuff we tell our Doctor's, the more they can help us. What really boosted my self-confidence and self-esteem was taking up Sport Karate. It was around your age too, for me it was life changing. If I had my chance again I would take up Mixed Martial Arts, for me I think it's more effective. Just getting out and mixing though helps, and learning valuable skills on top is a no-brainer... You mentioned you have two sisters, may I ask, are there many years that separate you?
I would love if I were able to do boxing, karate or anything like that but as strange as it sounds I am not good at using my body, there is no mind muscle connection there at all and I'm very shaky, may be an undiagnosed medical condition. The gym is great, I can put on muscle but there's no form there either lol. Also my sisters are 13 and 27.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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If you think you have poor co-ordination you should have seen me ;) You learn very quickly, but at your own pace. You can set targets for yourself regarding self-improvement too. The main thing is getting involved/participating. If it's something that interests you, perhaps you should give it some consideration. :) There's a few years between you and your sisters, I'd imagine that may have had a impact growing up too?
 
J

Jordizle

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Hull
The age gap does have an impact yeah we have no connection really at all and my younger sister is dealing with some serious stuff herself and is quite nasty at the minute, my older sister was quite nasty too but has calmed down now she's grown up :(. I may take up the guitar some time, now I imagine that takes some serious coordination but if the stars are aligned maybe I'd be able to get good. I reckon that would be quite life changing too. You're certainly brave for taking up sport karate with poor coordination too, that's pretty admirable.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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I was sort of attacked, which brought home just how little I knew about defending myself. I spoke to my instructor and said to him my reason for taking it up was to learn how to defend myself. I think he taylored some lessons with that in mind (and I really didn't have a clue)... Nice guy :) Being honest with mature trusted people can really pay dividends :) Learning how to play instruments can be theraputic and bring some of our talents to the fore. Getting involved in bands etc. can also open doors to new opportunities... It's all good :)
 
J

Jordizle

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Damn I'm sorry to hear about your attack, at least some good came out of it though I suppose. I'll take up an instrument at some point it could certainly be one way towards a better life.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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The attack wasn't that bad, and like you said it spurred me on to take positive steps to change things :) It does give you a element of peace of mind... :) Thank you for your concern :)
 
J

Jordizle

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Ah, no worries and thank you for your wise words.
 

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