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Intrusive thoughts ruining my hobbies...

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LostSoul777

New member
Joined
Jan 21, 2020
Messages
2
Location
France
Hello, I knew this day would come at some point, I have been having intrusive thoughts for about 8 years now, at the start it was pretty tame tho but with years I developped OCDs to combat those thoughts, which are ridiculous, they could be like repeating the action I was doing at the time of the thoughts, sometimes a lot of times, I think the highest I have to do was 300...

Well now I'd really want to just not do the OCD rituals and just ket the thought be, which I was usually able to do, but those thoughts evolved into sonething much worse, like if I don't do the rituals one thing I like, could be anything, doesn't even have to be related to the thought, gets "cursed" and each time I think about it afterward I get anxious and it's like my brain is trying to make me hate it as a punishement. You can see how this is a problem when your main hobby is videogames. Erasing my savefiles is something I was pretty familiar with since I would always have those thoughts at some point and rituals were getting too time consuming.

Now I usually play games that don't requires a savefile, like multiplayer games since your save is directly on the servers, well for a lot of them at least, which is like the only way I can reliably play sinve it forces me to not delete my savefile cause I just can't.

I play games with my friend and recenlty I bought this game to pkay with her, the save thisbl time is located on the console so I can delete it which is the main problem, I have 200 or more hours on it and we play almost everyday.

Now I wanted to play this morning and had an intrusive thought about hurting my friend and I for a split second I "agreed" with the thought sorta even tho I wouldn't ever hurt her or anything it's not who I am, I quickly dismissed it after but just the fact I agreed with it for a second and harm was done.

I decided I wouldn't let the thought win over me and played anyway which surely enough "cursed" the game and now I think I can't proceed with my life, I don't wanna delete my save and lose 200 hours of progress just because of that plus it woudln't fix anything, even if I restarted form the beginning this thoughts are gonna come backband do the same thing anyway at some point, and if I buy another game it'll be contaminated too cause I didn't delete my save, it's like I'm stuck.

I also feel guilty cause at the time the thought happen it's like I was more trying to dismiss the thought so I could play rather than doing the ritual so I could prove I wouldn't hurt my friend.

Now I don't know what to do, even if I were to delete it that would just prove I was agreeing with the thought and trying to repent or something, whatever I do I'm screwed.

And I feel like even if I get cured I won't be able to enjoy my game anyways because of the terrible thing I thought, it's like it's cursed forever.
 
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natalie

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 1, 2014
Messages
14,611
Hi LostSoul777,

You have made the first important step by reaching out. Well done.


I am just thinking could you switch, now, to listen to music, through headphones either cd player a small one or mp3, on mobile phone, could that work - just and idea?


To me, sounds like you might have a addiction problem, and I would suggest now i can see where you live, and I would make an appointment for a General Doctor or a Pshychartrist referral, because this serious Addicition really does need to be looked into.


I would also possibly consider contacting the Samaritans, they might be able to listen and help you to point you forward in the right direction as well.


Welcome Aboard, I'm Natalie, now, for the intrusive t houghts, sounds like, you need to be on medication, I would seriously book a appointment for GP, or Pshychartry Doctor, as soon as possible and order/request a referral.


I do hope you'll overcome, and do let us know how you'll get on.


Take care now.
 
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LostSoul777

New member
Joined
Jan 21, 2020
Messages
2
Location
France
I mean, I don't think this is related to addictions, I had this happening with a variety of things I enjoyed, such as going to class or my pets, it's just that this time arround the intrusive thought was worse than usual so idk
 
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