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intrusive thoughts or am i a bad person, help :(

M

mrj

New member
Joined
Apr 18, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Unlocated
All my life it's been important to be a nice person and it's turned me into a people pleaser. 5 years ago my social anxiety came to light. I think my issue is intrusive thoughts and I believe that falls under OCD? It started when I was lying in bed one night and all of a sudden I started thinking about a night I'd had with friends, I'd had a few drinks but I remember the rest of the night so I couldn't of been very drunk. Anyway in bed I suddenly had a thought pop into my head that I did something bad, something I would never do and it completely ruined me. I told myself I kissed someone I shouldn't have as they were in a relationship. Two weeks passed since the event where this thought never came into my head but then all of sudden a thought popped into my head like hey imagine this and my brain believed it. For a very long time I couldn't cope or live life or concentrate. I believed that everyone would find out I did this bad thing and hate me and I could never live a happy life. 5 years on and I go through stages where the anxiety takes over and I think about this situation. I feel like there are people who know what I did and are talking about me, but I would know surely?
I basically thought something, and just cos I thought it my mind believed it, I know I would never do this terrible thing and I always think whats the worst thing I could ever do and then a thought pops into my head that I've done that thing and I believe it. 5 years ago begun a series of thoughts like this. There are now 5 different scenarios and I worry about them on rotation. What if I'm a bad person and I did these things but because I believe I'd never do it what if I'm blocking the truth? Surely I would remember at least one of these scenarios in my head and not just base it on a thought. When I try and imagine a memory of doing these things, I can't, I can't see it happening, but the thoughts are strong enough to make me believe it's true anyway.
I'm sorry for going on and if it's a bit jumbled, I just wanna see if anyone else has experience of this. If everyone hated me so be it, but I just wanna know rather than live in anxiety waiting for everyone to find out these bad things about me. It's like a know they're not true, because I am the type of person who will admit what I do straight away cos I can't cope with guilt, so there must be a reason I don't do it with these situations, it's cos in my head I know it's not true, but my brain still believes it.
It's such a horrible way to live and I just want my carefree life back, it's been so long and I feel like I will never get that life back because our brains are so powerful and once you think something that's it, you can't unthink it. I feel like I will never be able to follow my dreams cos my anxiety holds me back.
I'm desperate and have been in a dark place the past couple weeks, the past five years are catching up with me and I have been feeling a little bit suicidal, I would never do that but I think about death a lot. I just want to breathe I guess. I'm very bad at opening up to people but I'm aiming to push myself to go to therapy this year, does anyone have experience with therapy in a similar situations? I just feel like I'm waiting for the day everyone hates me cos all these thoughts are going to be exposed? It's so tiring and I just want my life back.
 
Meet me in the dark

Meet me in the dark

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 17, 2019
Messages
109
Location
United States
Hi, mrj. Those intrusive worries sound really miserable to deal with and I'm sorry. I don't have OCD, but my little brother does, so I have a vague idea of what you're going through. I want you to know that even if you HAD done those things which you're worried about, it still wouldn't make you a bad person. Everyone does things that they regret. What is important is that you genuinely value the people around you and want to be good to them. You are worth much more than the sum of your mistakes, real or imagined. It's going to be okay.
I would definitely encourage you to start seeing a therapist! I started seeing one for the first time several months ago, and it's really not scary. Mine opened my eyes to things I could do to repair relationships around me and make things better for myself. Whenever I feel like I don't have real problems; there are other people who need this more than me- she always says, "Pain is pain." Don't compare your perceived needs to anyone else. Just pursue this course that is best for your own wellbeing.
Your loved ones still love you and they won't stop, even when you feel like a terrible person. Don't be afraid to bring your fears into the light so you can work on them. Good on you for posting :) It's a step in the right direction.
 
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