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intrusive thoughts, guilt,shame

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tryingtogetthrough

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Please read the following without judgement. It has been really hard for me to post this, I've told pretty much no one what I'm going through. I'm a teenage girl, I completed year 12 last year and to anyone that met me, they would say I'm nice, a little shy and quiet, but a nice quiet girl. A few months ago something really bad happened, I went into a state of "depersonlisation" where the stress of 1) school finishing and becoming an adult 2) drifting from my bestest friend who I considered my sister, all because she dated a boy I liked and started leaving me out. 3) had a massive falling out with some of my other friends 4) getting played by a guy who I thought loved me (sounds stupid now) and mainly, 5) because I remembered some repressed and surpressed memories, that are affecting me the worst... These factors sent me there. I was stuck in the vicious cycle of this for a two weeks in one month intervals. This occurred three times. Twice, it was induced by anxiety and stress, once, induced by only a little alcohol. I felt very out of it and often questioned whether or not I was in a dream.
Now, for the worst part. The memories that I have remembered but tried so hard to repress. When I was 6 or 7, I had a boy stick his hand up my skirt. This is the memory I repressed. when I was 11 or 12, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I took a blanket, and rubbed around my family dogs genitals. I can't remember why I did it, if it was me acting out what happened to me or general curiosity, because my friend had earlier on told me about the pink part that comes out (I feel so sick typing this) I didn't do it for long, and I don't think I touched his actual penis. But I remember going to do it then feeling sick after. I didn't remember this until months ago. It's like I didn't even do it I feel so terrible. And now the INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. They are bad. they are consuming. They mainly are based on sexual things but are also violent. I'm so scared,I dont leave the house unless I NEED to. I work, go to school,come home. I don't want to look at someone and have a sexual or violent thought about them,it's degrading. I sleep as much as I can, that way I don't have the thoughts. I feel like a pedophile. the thoughts vary from "if I can do it to a dog,can I do it to a child?" To flashing images of people doing sexual things that I shove away as quickly as I can. I'll also question myself and who I am. All. the. Time. When I'm driving I'll question whether or not there is a car there or not, and I'll go, and the car was there but I just hallucinated it being clear. Or that when I'm cooking, I'm going to think I'm using vinegar when actually I'm using bleach. I just question myself. I feel so much guilt about what I did to the dog, it seriously is not me. What else am I capable of? What if I do it agaain? I'm in a day care course at the moment,which makes the intrusive thoughts go crazy. Sometimes I think I'm okay and I've forgiven myself, other times I'm rocking back and forth wanting to kill myself because I can't have kids and live a happy life, I did something really bad. I just started anti depressants because my doctor found that I'm severely depressed,anxious and stressed. Someone please help, I'm really stubborn so part of me wants to forgive myself. But part of me can't, even though I was 11; I should have known better?
Whenever I'm with friends or family, I get so stuck in my thoughts and my mistakes, like, "if you knew what I did, and thought, you wouldn't want to be associated with me. I don't deserve you, I don't deserve happiness." Appetite has gone down, lost 10 kilos, just feel completely insane that I have these thoughts. I don't think I'm ever going to be the same.
I don't watch movies, or tv shows anymore do avoid any triggers that will make me feel like shit. Like anything with mental illness, death, religion, suicide, child molesters, lies, guilt anything.
I never want anyone to die abd I hate change, I'm messed up
.
HELP PLEASE
 
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scoopz42

New member
Joined
Mar 17, 2015
Messages
1
Location
Michigan
thoughts happen

I too just started having intrusive thoughts in the last two months. Mine are down to a minimum now, only because you cant suppress them. You have to let them play out in your head. The harder you try to forget about the thought, the bigger the thought goes in your head. Your anxiety is creating the thought, not you as a person. No, you're not a bad person. The reason its so troubling to you, is because you care so much. If you had those thoughts, and you didn't care less about them/or liked them, then it would be a different meaning.
With all that being said, you control your life, not your thoughts. I hope you feel better soon.
 
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tryingtogetthrough

Guest
I too just started having intrusive thoughts in the last two months. Mine are down to a minimum now, only because you cant suppress them. You have to let them play out in your head. The harder you try to forget about the thought, the bigger the thought goes in your head. Your anxiety is creating the thought, not you as a person. No, you're not a bad person. The reason its so troubling to you, is because you care so much. If you had those thoughts, and you didn't care less about them/or liked them, then it would be a different meaning.
With all that being said, you control your life, not your thoughts. I hope you feel better soon.
But everytime that I tell myself they're just my thoughts, I realise, what I did when I was 11, that was a thought that I acted on. So what am I capable of? I just want help, truly, I'm 17. I should look forward to life but I can't wait until I don't have to deal with this guilt, these thoughts.
 
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ScardeyCat

Active member
Joined
Feb 24, 2015
Messages
32
hello, tryingtogetthrough. What you did with your dog was a mistake, and like you said you can't even remember the purpose of why you did it, so I wouldn't worry about it, but now you have to forgive yourself and let it go. People make mistakes, and what you did certainly doesn't mean you will do it again. Your desire not to do this again is a good indicator that you won't, and the idea also repulses you. OCD is notorious for making people question themselves, and you are wondering "would i screw up and do it again on a whim?" I highly doubt it.
 
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tryingtogetthrough

Guest
hello, tryingtogetthrough. What you did with your dog was a mistake, and like you said you can't even remember the purpose of why you did it, so I wouldn't worry about it, but now you have to forgive yourself and let it go. People make mistakes, and what you did certainly doesn't mean you will do it again. Your desire not to do this again is a good indicator that you won't, and the idea also repulses you. OCD is notorious for making people question themselves, and you are wondering "would i screw up and do it again on a whim?" I highly doubt it.
I'm trying to let it go as much as I can, but I'm reminded everywhere. I have many triggers. Girls that are at the age I am, kids in general because it reminds me of before I did it. Dogs, even molesters on Tue news because that's what i feel like I am. Any mention of the word "guilt" or "shame." I just have a very guilty conscious and I feel very badly for every mistake that I do, sometimes I wish I didn't because right now, I don't feel like I deserve to live.
 
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ScardeyCat

Active member
Joined
Feb 24, 2015
Messages
32
I'm trying to let it go as much as I can, but I'm reminded everywhere. I have many triggers. Girls that are at the age I am, kids in general because it reminds me of before I did it. Dogs, even molesters on Tue news because that's what i feel like I am. Any mention of the word "guilt" or "shame." I just have a very guilty conscious and I feel very badly for every mistake that I do, sometimes I wish I didn't because right now, I don't feel like I deserve to live.
well that's certainly not the case. Our past does not define us, or who we are today. You sound like a good person to me.
 
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tryingtogetthrough

Guest
well that's certainly not the case. Our past does not define us, or who we are today. You sound like a good person to me.
Thank you, that means a lot to me. I've recently had the strong strong inclination that I suffer from border line personality disorder. I won't go into that, but it's either that or The intrusive thoughts that just aren't letting me let go. I have very very low self worth so I really can't afford to make mistakes, they eat at me and I'm reminded of them by nearly anything in every day life.
I appreciate that you're taking the time to give me a little advice, thank you!
 
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ScardeyCat

Active member
Joined
Feb 24, 2015
Messages
32
no problem. I had a similar experience to yours before when I was younger, but I have learned to let it go. During my teen years, I had a pornography addiction and I focused hard trying to wonder if I ever mistakenly viewed underaged porn or not. I think the more we dwell on the past, or even "what might have happened", the more it eats us up inside. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, and there's no need to be concerned about it several years later when you are an excellent person in the present. :) Again, everyone makes mistakes, and your "alleged" mistake does not sound like something I would worry about.
 
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secretsurvivor1

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 27, 2013
Messages
306
Location
SW UK
I think we all go through stages of curiosity about sex and we can be interested in experimenting without really understanding what we are doing when we are young. Accusing yourself of maybe being a paedophile or sexually sick person may be a huge exaggeration of your actions with disproportionate guilt and shame. The easiest way to judge this is to wonder what your opinion would be if someone else had done it. I think high anxiety about your thoughts can make you over-emphasise small events. Be kind to yourself. I personally think that keeping secrets is very bad for mental health, and telling someone you trust or a health professional could put these ideas into proportion. Sometimes, when you say these thoughts out loud they can sound silly and obviously wrong, which is a huge relief.
 
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tryingtogetthrough

Guest
If someone else had done it, I would judge them based off how they felt about it. I would tell them to forgive themselves because guilt and shame can do terrible things to people. I understand that I was young and I meant no harm, it's just hard to let go and keep fighting when you feel like a very messed up person, even though before I remembered this incident, I was so happy with myself and where I was going. Now I just feel like I don't deserve anything. I'm thrown around at least 30 times a day between forgiving myself,
hating and feeling okay with myself which I think could be the possible bpd coming out. I'm going to see a councillor in a couple weeks time I hope someone can help me forgive and forget because I can't do it on my own
 
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