Intrusive thoughts and reassurance seeking habits

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mJune

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Jun 13, 2015
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Hi. I'm currently suffering from severe intrusive thoughts, and I've been in the habit of seeking reassurance from my boyfriend for the past three or so years. We've been together for nearly six years, and it was about three or four years ago where my OCD symptoms kicked in and everything about myself mentally starting getting really bad. I think the way he reacted initially to me sharing thoughts or feelings (though I don't blame him for being confused and not knowing how to act) triggered my need to seek reassurance from him to make sure what I thought wasn't bad or wrong.

Mostly, my thoughts are of a sexual nature. I get the typical groinal response quite frequently, and though I recognize that it is normal for people with my condition, and that the brain cannot distinguish sexual thoughts from one another, and it is not my fault, it still makes me feel disgusting and dirty and horrible. Even if the person or image that spurred it isn't someone who I find attractive or something, it still happens, and I feel awful.

Earlier today, I had the thought "I hope he kills himself" in reference to my boyfriend, and I felt completely horrible to the point of having a panic attack for several hours at work until my boyfriend responded to my many, many long-winded texts about what I thought and how I meant it in the moment, but that's not truly what I want, and how much he means to me. I adore him. And I hate that I'm using him to alleviate my own anxiety. He has anxiety issues of his own, and I know he wants to be able to help me as much as he can, but my constant telling him of weird sexual thoughts or feelings that I have just makes him really uncomfortable, which I can understand.

I'm currently seeing a therapist to help me control my anxiety when intrusive thoughts are present, but it's still very overwhelming because I can only talk to her about these things during our sessions, so it's hard to deal with things inbetween sessions. I don't want the relationship with my boyfriend to become toxic, and I'm afraid that it's beginning to. We just moved in together in March, and lately my OCD has been so bad, and he's been having really bad anxiety issues of his own, and I just want us both to be okay. Everything's just really hard right now and I'm not quite sure how to cope with things on my own, or how to break out of this horrible reassurance seeking habit that I've formed. I understand it's addictive nature, and I really need to stop, but the fact that I keep doing it just makes me feel like I have no control over myself or my mind.

Sorry that was so long-winded. There's a lot going on in my head.
 
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Phil69

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Jun 14, 2015
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Hi mJune, I have very similar thought patterns to yourself. I have clinical depression but find that these intrusive thoughts I have will ease the way I feel. Which they do! but unfortunately they are very short in terms of a release. I have never had such mucky horny thoughts that I have all of the time, I don't know if I should blame the meds I am on or simply the way I feel. Is your boyfriend supportive in your thoughts? My wife is to a degree, but sometimes I just don't feel I want to even discuss with her the severity of my impulsive ideas incase she is repulsed!
 
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mJune

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Jun 13, 2015
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My boyfriend tries to be as supportive as he can, but sometimes (most of the time) the thoughts make him feel very anxious and upset, so it's beginning to put strain on our relationship because i don't really know how else to cope with these thoughts since I'm so used to the habit of telling him as soon as they happen. He tells me time and time again that these things that I share don't matter and not to worry about it, but I still worry all the time, and I feel terrible for making him listen to things that he doesn't need to or want to hear.
 
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Phil69

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Jun 14, 2015
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East riding. Uk
What has your councillor suggested you do in the meantime between sessions? are you under a doctor or psych for additional support? I personally find it much easier to talk to my partner about the issues I have and the thoughts which I have, but she is much stronger than me. I do feel guilty though telling her the issues incase that it burdens her. I maybe would hold back the severity of some thoughts eg youhaving thoughts of him being dead ect, as this may end up putting that extra strain on your relationship. |I am not saying don't talk about things because it is better out than in, im just trying to think in terms of keeping the relationship strong. Has he had any help with his anxiety? In a way...don't mean this to sound awful, but I am glad that I am not on my own with the feelings and thoughts which I have been having, I started to think "What is up with me"! It is an illness, which can be treated if we put the work into it ourselves with the support from services ect. Try not to beat yourself up, and try to think that this is only temporary until we deal with our situations! x
 
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bangalore

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Aug 28, 2014
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I have had fear of intrusive thought's for about 19 years. I still get a lot of anxiety around this. It can be exhausting. I had a few sessions of CBT, I meditate each morning and try to observe what ever comes up, I think this helps me a bit. I do have some support and I do not think their are any easy solutions for intrusive thoughts. I try and remember that a thought is not that important and it is my actions that matter. Hope things ease off you.
 
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sensationa1

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Jul 10, 2015
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I have intrusive thoughts but the ones that really get to me is I can't stop myself from thinking that women want to harm mens genitals and even worse cut them off and the find it funny when it does happen. As soon as something is said like a woman saying I'll kick him in the privates it really gets to me and it hurts me inside like u wouldn't believe I really need to sort this out as it's destroying me and I can't stop shaking, I do look for reassurance but it still carry on its just wen I get the right reassurance it doesn't hurt as much. But also I'm always thinking that I'm walking funny, talking funny, my hands are in a funny place, I look weird and I can't stop thinking that's how people see me and the more I think about ocd the more I can see other thoughts iv had and have still got as intrusive thoughts so it's all starting to make sense now but I feel like I'm going down quick and if I don't act I will lose everything and totally cracking up. I don't know what to do, I have just started medication for it but I have to wait for that to work andiv gotta increase it yet but not now. Thanks for listening
 
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Phil69

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Jun 14, 2015
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Location
East riding. Uk
Hi Sensationa1,
I'm sure the docs will help to get your meds where they need them to be, but in the mean time have you been offered counselling from the mental health services? By the sounds of things you may benefit from CBT treatment to help change the way in which you think. Unfortunately with these kinda things it can take time to get yourself better. Take small steps at a time and take any offered support available. Don't look back, look forward. This site is good to get things off your chest and receive support. People on here have very similar worries or concerns and often it is good to know that we are not alone.
 
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Maddog18

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Jul 22, 2015
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I'm going through the exact same thing just different fears!! It all started when I was maybe 10 years old and I was watching a movie with my mom and someone in the movie committed sucide and thats when I started to fear that I was gonna kill myself or hurt myself. It got better but it came back when I started high school and I would get extreme intrusive thoughts about killing myself. I would have to tell my mom to hide things from me because I was so scared I was gonna do something. 9th grade was so hard for me I couldn't go to school because my thoughts were out of control. I finally saw a doctor and they put me on 30mg of Prozac and I saw a therapist for a little bit and my thoughts went away and I had my life back. Im now 18 and I just graduated high school and I sadly have a new fear. I'm having intrusive thoughts about harming my loved ones. It got to the point where I threw away all the implements in the house. I will get these thoughts and images and I literally cry all day wanting them to go away. My doctor put me on 60 mg of Prozac now and my anxiety has gone down a lot but I still have the thoughts and it scares me that my anxiety level has gone down because to me that means I actually do want to act on my thoughts. I started having fears that I'm going crazy, or maybe I have schizophrenia. I always doubt myself. I always need reassurance, constantly looking up answers, and it sadly only lasts a short 10 min before I start worrying again and need reassurance. I know in my heart I would never hurt anyone I can't even kill a fly. If you ask anyone about me I know they would say nice and loving things about me. I have been reading the bible at night and Iv been talking to my mom about this. I just wish I could have my life back where I didn't have these scary thoughts that I think about 24/7. So I can enjoy my life again. I would never want anything bad to happen to my family or boyfriend and me having these thoughts are literally killing me. I always doubt my thoughts and my reassurance constantly and it just gives me even more anxiety. I feel like such a horrible person having these thoughts and feel like I'm going crazy!!! I don't have anyone to talk to about this that has been in this situation. I dont want to be a killer or a bad person. I just want my life back. Just know your not alone and I'm here if anyone needs to talk.
 
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UMPALUMPA

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May 15, 2015
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1,802
I find it hard to talk about my intrusive thoughts, i dont know why but i have to keep them under lock and key and hardly ever mention them to my Pdoc or Social Worker.

I Fear i may be locked up or something, even though they have reasured me that if i am finding the thoughts upsetting and difficult then the chances are i would never act on them.

But still they are under a lock and key, they are violent beyond belief and i have flickering images in my mind of me actually carrying out the thoughts i have.

having them around family and my pet is super upsetting and very cruel.

Remember we are not nasty people for having Intrusive Thoughts, they are called Intrusive because we dont want them.:hug:
 

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