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Intrusive thoughts and a "delay" of anxiety

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moltres

New member
Joined
Nov 7, 2020
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1
Location
Austria
Hello! I hope anyone can help me because this is really driving me crazy.

I'm thinking that I might have OCD because I relate to a lot of OCD experiences other people have, but unfortunately I haven't had the chance to discuss it with a therapist yet... so I'm worried I'm only using OCD as an "excuse" for my thoughts when in reality I'm just a bad/crazy person.
To explain, I've had some horrible thoughts which feel intrusive... I don't want to go into detail about those thoughts, but they're often along the lines of wanting something bad to happen to myself or people close to me so "I'd get pitied". Sometimes those thoughts target strangers too and it makes me feel horrible... obviously I don't want anyone to die, but my brain is trying to convince me that I secretly want it for the attention or whatever. And at times this feeling of wishing bad things to others feels so real, it's driving me crazy thinking about it. I don't want to be a person who thinks stuff like that, and I hate seeing others suffer - it's not rare for me to bawl my eyes out over people close to me suffering/dying - so these thoughts or rather the fact that they feel so real really do not make any sense at all.

Anyway, if I knew I had OCD and these were just intrusive thoughts it might be easier for me to dismiss them... but I'm not certain. I know intrusive thoughts usually cause distress and they do for me, but sometimes it's not immediately. For example, recently I was reading a news article and had a really nasty thought pop up in my mind, but I didn't really pay attention to it at first. It was only when the same thought started bothering me again and again that I eventually realized just how messed up it is and I started feeling awful, and I've been feeling awful for that reason for days now. And the more I think about it, the more disturbed I feel. I'm scared that the fact that I didn't immediately felt anxious about the thought/wish means that part of me thinks it's okay and really wishes for it to happen. But it disturbs me so much, I don't want to be this person my brain is telling me I am. It has become hard for me being around others because it feels like I'm constantly deceiving them by "pretending" to be a good person, when I have morbid thoughts like that...

I just came out of a very long and exhausting episode of obsessing over a past mistake, and now I feel like I'm getting sucked into the same spiral again. I can barely sleep at night, I'm just feeling awful. It would be easier for me to handle if I knew what I'm experiencing are intrusive thoughts, but I'm scared that they're not, that I'm just looking for excuses. Can anyone tell me if sometimes having sort of a "delayed" response to intrusive thoughts is normal...?
 
dontknowwhattodowithoutyou

dontknowwhattodowithoutyou

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 22, 2020
Messages
59
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Hi moltres, welcome!

first, no matter if you have OCD or not, everyone has intrusive thoughts. Everyone has thought about committing suicide. Thoughts are not controllable, so having them doesn't define us as people!

I'm also not an expert, so I will only give you some suggestions or advice coming from a person affected by OCD. :) It's just my opinion.

so I'm worried I'm only using OCD as an "excuse" for my thoughts when in reality I'm just a bad/crazy person.

This is also fairly common for OCD. I don't know if other disorders have it too, but with OCD you are almost never certain or satisfied. You can actually look it up! Google "Having OCD thoughts about not having OCD". OCD is the doubting disease after all.

And at times this feeling of wishing bad things to others feels so real, it's driving me crazy thinking about it.

Yes, that is often the problem in OCD, obsessions might feel real because otherwise we could dismiss them more easily. Also, the more you give in to the thoughts the worse it gets and the less secure you are.

It has become hard for me being around others because it feels like I'm constantly deceiving them by "pretending" to be a good person, when I have morbid thoughts like that...


I have exactly this. Sometimes it is called moral OCD. Because usually, those affected by OCD have very high morals which is why they think their thoughts make them a bad person.

I know intrusive thoughts usually cause distress and they do for me, but sometimes it's not immediately.

Sometimes you don't need to immediately feel bad for a thought or even an action. I suffer from so-called real event OCD, so things I did in the past are blown out of proportion by my OCD. (I just in this very moment read that you also suffered from a past mistake, so this seems fitting). So yes, it is certainly possible. Sometimes I only started obsessing about a thought I had hours ago.

I hope I helped a bit. I just want you to know that there might be some tendencies of OCD that you display and that you should definitely talk to your therapist about it. He/She can then administer some tests, score them and you have a pretty good idea if you have OCD or not. I know that having a diagnosis of OCD was a big relieve for me.
 
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