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Intrusive thoughts about cheating

K

KD

New member
Joined
Feb 4, 2020
Messages
1
Location
USA
So I will start with telling a couple of things about me.
-female, 25
-this is my very first serious relationship and I have been in it for 5 years, 2 of which I have been happily married.
-moved to Norway 2 years ago because my husband is Norwegian which made me majorly depressed on top of having OCD because we live in the countryside, I don't have any friends or family, my husband is pretty much the only one who I communicate on a daily basis.
-suffered with OCD since I was 7. Had different themes, among which there have been sexual, religious, existential and now I have Romantic OCD (ROCD).
-super depressed for the past 2 years (because I basically had to start my life all over again with no friends or family, no job, it's a mess. I do have a wonderful husband who takes care of me as well as he can but he is far from understanding what I am going through just because he has never been put in a situation like this. He does everything to help though but it just doesn't do much for me).

I was so depressed, lonely, isolated that i did become kind of resentful towards him for the last 6 or 7 months. I know he didn't deserve it especially with being such a wonderful husband, but I did start getting angry, resentful, irritable. With all of those feelings my OCD which had religious theme before became romantic and I started thinking "Oh, what if I don't love him?", 'What if this is making us unhappy and we should break up?", "What if I would be better off without him?", "What if I am meant to do more than live in the countryside and pitch pennies?", "I want to have a life and be with my friends and family who are so far away but instead I am dying inside in this place". I know none of those things were true because my husband is the most important thing to me in the whole world but I felt so bad for myself. And at one point I felt that it was it and my marriage was falling apart, that we would not stay together.

At that time I did find a job that I didn't like but it paid well and we were struggling financially. Didn't bring me any sense of fullfilment or anything like that but I did make some money to help pay the bills and save up for the future.

And then there was this cute guy that I could tell liked me from the very beginning. And somehow when he started talking to me (it was not even flirting, just friendly conversation) it felt so good to be noticed by someone again, to be interested in, to feel pursued in some kind of way. I even felt butterflies. And right after he talked to me I started getting thoughts like "Oh my God, what if a guy like this is what I really need?", "Maybe I should break up with my husband and live for myself the way I want to in a place I love?", "I feel like I could cheat". Now please note that I am someone that just does not believe in cheating. I do believe in divorce when it is necessary and when people don't make each other happy but I don't believe betrayal is EVER an option. But yet somehow I did feel like I could do it with that guy.

I didn't talk much to that guy that week, but there was one evening when we were the only ones in the office and I needed help with something. So he started helping me and we had this friendly coversation for maybe 30 minutes or so? Once again, it was not even flirting and I did let him know I wasn't available yet I wanted to talk to him like he was some kind of magnet. I really just wanted to keep talking and talking and talking. Then he had to leave for several minutes and I was like man, I wish he didn't have to! Then he started helping someone else and I even felt a little jealous?! And I just thought to myself in that moment "Oh my God, I have such an amazing husband, yet I feel jealous for someone who isn't even mine or anything, why am I feeling like this?". Well, then he came back, we talked a bit more and then he left to help someone else and I kind of got upset that he left but then right after that I felt like "Oh my God, I am free. I am not interested in him anymore. He is a good person, we like the same things, I loved talking to him but I have got NO interest in him whatsoever!". It felt so good for a bit.

But then I realized that that whole week at work I was thinking about someone else that was not my husband. I feel like I have betrayed him. Yes, I didn't cheat physically but I definitely feel like I did emotionally. He doesn't deserve to be treated like this. I feel like I am a horrible wife. And I know that I didn't go through with it but now I keep thinking to myself, if that guy actually made a move on me, I maybe would have done it. I don't know for sure, but I feel like I was in such a dark place back then that I maybe would have cheated on my husband if I was offered to. And that makes me sick to my stomach.

Now if you have read this far, thank you so much! I am just trying to figure this out for myself. Were those just intrusive thoughts that I took as my actual desires? Was it OCD playing messing with me? Did I just want simple human interastion with someone, was I in a need of friend that my OCD persued me to be someone I could cheat on my husband with? Or am I just someone who would do something horrible to someone loved?
 
A

Almost always in love

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 19, 2020
Messages
76
Location
Scandinavia
I can truly relate to your situation.

However, before Id jump in and write you a long book about my own lifestory, I will try and keep it short.

You need to move.
Before you end up middleaged and realize you have isolated yourself to the point of no return.
Because isolation works like that. And it will become your prison later on. When that happens you will have adjusted to life in a "prison" for so long, that you will find it extremely difficult to adjust to "normal" life again.
And you will be in pain. Every day. That pain will be in your marriage, between you, every day.
Your husband will feel your pain and you will both end up miserable.
If you try to "fix" it by having children along the way, the pain will move on to them aswell. You will notice this and it will add guilt and more pain.

You need to move and do it as fast as you can.

Make a list of what you wish your life should be about and what you would like in it.
Is it family?
Is it friends?
Work? What kind of work?
Education? What kind of education?
Nice neighbors?
Do you wish to live in a place that offers spare time hobbies that you can easily get to?

You are 25. You have the energi, time and health to have a chance to create the life, that you want for yourself and your wonderful husband.

Invest in him and your combined future, but do it now.

When you reach a boiling point later, when things turn so painful that pain is all you can feel. When pain starts to drain you, so you will no longer go to work, will no longer have energi to meet new people, it will be near impossible for you to take on the battle, that you have every chance of winning now.

Falling in love wont save you from the path you are on. Its something that happens, because you are not at a place in life, where you would like to be.
And finding a man who is caring and loving and is always there for you - this is nothing short of a miracle in life.
I advice you to remember that, when you feel vulnerable in a setting with another man, that might seem interesting at first.

Fight for you and your husband. Fight the right battles.

Dont jump on the next guy, who will make you end up in either same place as you are now or in an even worse position, that you have going for you now.

Make the list. And work towards your goals.
Dont let your loneliness be your occupation and settle for a kiss from a stranger in the hopes that this will make life better. It wont. I promise you, it really really wont.

Fight for you and your husband.

Make the life you need.
Done settle with band aids a long the way.


And get off the deserted lands. Move to a place where you can meet people on the street.
Maybe get a puppy.

But move and do it now.
Some day you will realise it will be too late and all you will have left is bitterness and pain.
And you will end up reading this forum on a daily basis and ask people, how to carry on living a life full of pain.

Do not do this to yourself.

Make the list and work your butt to make your life happen.
Do what ever it takes.
That is the battle you need to fight.
For your life.
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
1,248
Location
North Carolina
The above response was very well said. I would just like to add in agreement that it's the circumstance that you put yourself in that created the feelings not any of your mh diagnoses. Bitterness and resentment were letting you enjoy that attention from another man. You are not happy and you need to stand up for yourself to your partner and let them know how unhappy before its to late and you do a lot of things you will regret. Dont stay silent. You deserve to enjoy your life !!
 
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