Intrusive thoughts about being gay

Soul_Deeps

Soul_Deeps

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Aug 31, 2017
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151
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Germany
#1
Hey,

I never really had OCD diagnosed and I also don't really remember having a strong OCD or anything similar that did burden me at some point.
However, since yesterday, my mind is trying to tell me or asking me if I am gay. The thing I don't believe I am, so it must have something to do with intrusive thoughts?

I saw music videos, one which I had watched multiple times before. There are two girls and a guy in that video. Yesterday my eyes have been a lot on the guy because for some reason he looked funny and interesting. There was no sexual attraction or anything, I don't know why I was so focused on him. Then I thought: What if I am gay? And then I got like really nervous. I avoided that video since then.

I had those thoughts before from time to time, but they never lasted long. This time it's different, this time I get so nervous thinking about it that it makes me doubting my sexuality. I think: When I am not gay, how can I get nervous thinking about being gay or guys? I try a lot do find out if I am gay by checking what I feel if I think about gay interactions or guys. Besides the nervousity I don't really feel much but a strong interest. It's like my mind is pushing me in that direction. Could I have developed a change in sexual identity? I really don't know. But I know my mind has often played tricks on me already and this feels the same. It is very possible I am so interested in it because I always search for new stuff that could help me finding identity, finding who I really am.

Before it was always clear to me I am hetero, I didn't even think about it except the occasional intrusive thoughts, but as I said they never lasted long. And I know I feel very gravitated to stuff that has the potential to give me identity or change it. I have BPD, so maybe this is related, I don't know. Even in my dreams it was always about girls, except two to three times in puberty which had guys in it. I mean it doesn't sound like much if I consider the countless dreams I had with girls, but it's still enough to ask me if those could have been early indicators of me being gay.

I am not sure what to think. Am I really gay or not?
All I know is I never felt attracted to guys, I never had feelings for guys. To be honest, I find male bodies a bit disgusting.

I also noticed I try to seek help now in answering the question if I am gay or not, I feel like part of the reason I opened this thread was to have people tell me I am not. From what I heard though it would be best to ignore those thoughts, right? I just don't know how. Or maybe I have them because I really have become gay.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Aug 17, 2012
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The West Country
#2
All I know is I never felt attracted to guys, I never had feelings for guys. To be honest, I find male bodies a bit disgusting.
I think you have answered your own question here - you know deep down that you aren't sexually attracted to other men.

But I appreciate it's not that easy to see when your mind is going over the same question and over-analysing things.
I think with these kinds of thoughts, the more you try to ignore them, the stronger they can become. So I don't know if you can have a phrase that you can say when these thoughts come into your mind... maybe something like "I know that I am straight - I don't need to listen to these thoughts".

I don't know if you've ever tried visualisation but sometimes imagining a thought as a balloon and then trying to see that balloon floating away from you can help put a bit of distance between you and your thoughts.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Jun 13, 2016
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817
#3
I wonder if something else is triggering these thoughts, and if it helps I am not implying or thinking you are gay...
 
Soul_Deeps

Soul_Deeps

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Aug 31, 2017
Messages
151
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Germany
#4
Thanks guys. It got better the last days because my mind had other things to focus on. I am still struggling a bit but I know atleast that I like girls. If thoughts about being gay pop up I tell myself that.

The image with the balloon is cool, it's kinda nice to visualise it.
 
T

TheBoyWithAWanderingMind

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Joined
May 12, 2019
Messages
34
Location
USA
#5
Thanks guys. It got better the last days because my mind had other things to focus on. I am still struggling a bit but I know atleast that I like girls. If thoughts about being gay pop up I tell myself that.

The image with the balloon is cool, it's kinda nice to visualise it.
I've dealt with similar things...where my mind would obsessive over whether or not I'm this or I'm that or if I've done this or if I've done that. Usually these experiences are accompanied my an immense amount of anxiety or distress (at least for me, they are). From what I've surmised from these experiences is that you're actually not what you fear you are. The fact that it causes you the amount of anxiety and distress as it does, is because you feel as though core of who you are is being threatened. You're straight...but your mind's obsession with questioning your sexuality puts you in distress because you're not gay, you're straight. I think if you were to actually question your sexuality due to genuine curiosity, then the experience would be quite different. Not that it wouldn't be scary in some ways...but I don't think it would be anything like the experience that you've described. Coming to grips with my sexuality was a bit of a trip for me but it wasn't what you're currently experiencing.

Hope this helps!
 
S

SpaceWill

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Joined
May 30, 2019
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Untied states
#6
HOCD, or Homosexual OCD is actually a common theme that people can have. I struggled for years (and still somewhat do) with a transgender theme. Even though I knew I am comfortable with my body and I have no desire to be a woman, I still constantly felt anxiety and tried to fight it with logic and reasoning with no success. So I understand how scary and consuming these thoughts can be. The thoughts keep spinning around and around in your mind and wont go away. From what you say it doesn't seem like you are gay. I really am gay, and from my experience, Once I actually understood what sexuality and what being gay really meant (not just an insult), it was pretty simple and clear that I was gay. But please understand that by telling you this, I am given you reassurance which only fuels the obsession. This will make you feel better for now, but the thoughts will come back and you will try to prove them right or wrong again, and the OCD cycle will continue. Try not to focus on small things or "signs" that you may be gay and focus on the fact that you really are attracted women and not men and have some faith in you self. I know that's easier said than done though. If you are gay there would be a clear overall pattern of you being sexually attracted and having crushes to men. Another common thought I had (and this what they call the hook) is if I am so worried/anxious it must be true! Don't listen to that thought it is a flaw in the logic happening in your brain. Also one last this I would like to mention is that no one is 100% straight (or gay). Its ok and normal to occasionally have some feelings or interest about the same sex. I myself as a gay man sometimes have small crushes or interests in women, but overall I am attracted to men and I would never want to be in a relationship with a woman, its just not the same and the attraction isn't anywhere near enough. So trust how you feel overall, not any little sign or thoughts like "that one time I said, or did, or felt this and that was kinda gay." And recognize that as a straight man you may still feel some slight interest or admiration for other men and that's ok. I recomend watching some videos by Chrissie Hodges on youtube. She struggled with HOCD for 12 years and attempted suicide and is now a mental health advocate. She's kinda sill I know, but her videos really helped me understand what I was going through. I even emailed her and she emailed me back! (just dont email her looking for reassurance I just told her my story and thanked her) If you want you can message me or however it works. (im new here)

Search on youtube: Chrissie Hodges

or:
About Pure O OCD (OCD with mental compulsions):

HOCD (this one is more focused on Homosexuality fears in OCD):